I fall into so many categories. LTTTC. TTC after a loss. RPL. TTC over 40.
Long story short. After grieving the loss of my 2 embryos from my IVF in November / December, I finally decided to have a visit with my RE to get answers about why they weren't able to do PGS testing which resulted in a failed cycle. My RE has always felt my only issue and source of my RPL was egg quality. I've been against IVF using donor eggs from the start. And did not go to this follow up visit thinking I'd change my mind. But it came up. As I knew it would. And surprisingly I found myself not only considering it but feeling somewhat hopeful.
It would provide my DH with a biological child and myself with a child that was his biologically if not my own biologically. (We don't have any children).
But I have reservations. The cost. Our ages (we are early mid 40s). To tell or not to tell we used donor eggs.
Anyone been through this that can give me advice/wisdom? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
I'm sorry you have had such a tough road. I don't have any personal experience to offer but I was part of a fertility group where some of the women did decide to move on with donor eggs and all had successfull cycles and pregnancies. But it wasn't a decision any of them came to lightly or easily and like you for some it took quite some time to come around to the idea of it. I don't know what it's like to have to make that decision but I can say that each one of them that did, is so incredibly happy with their decision. I think some of them are open about their situation and others are not. I think that piece of it is very personal and that is something only you and your husband can figure out what feels right to you. I know one of my friends is open and she has a children's book that explains it in basic terms that she reads to her daughter, she wants it to just be out there and knowledge her daughter has from the beginning. As far as the cost, no doubt it is crazy stupid expensive!! But so is adoption. I know my friend went to a local "conference" or Q&A session on donor eggs IVF and found connections to some local resources/grants that helped with the cost. I also know that other people took out loans or asked family for help. In the end I can promise you the love you will have for your children is worth more than every last penny on this earth. As far as your age, so many people are having children into their 40s now, it's almost the new norm. But with donor eggs your chances of success are the same as if you were in your 20s.
Have you heard of epigenetics? A friend of mine who used donor eggs started reading about this and it's what helped her make the decision to move forward. I'm not going to be able to explain it as eloquently as she did, but basically even though our DNA and genetic code may be biological how our genes are expressed actually can be influenced by many factors. Because YOUR cells, YOUR body is going to be carrying and growing that baby it will actually change and effect how that baby's genes are expressed. If someone else was carrying that same exact embryo, that baby would be very different because someone else's cells would be nurturing and growing the baby. Does that make sense? That brought my friend tremendous comfort and helped her feel more biologically connected.
I'm not sure if this helps or not, but I would imagine all your concerns are normal. It's a big decision and one that is very personal. I hope more people come along who have been where you are and can offer some encouraging words. Wishing you well. Xx
Gingmg- thank you so much for your response! I have researched epigenetics and it def made me feel better to know my blood and cells and RNA will influence the embryo. (There are stories of the baby looking like mom or members of her family even). I think we are moving forward using donor eggs. And I'm mostly ok with it. I think my biggest hurdle was giving up on my own eggs and grieving the loss of that dream.
Can you find out the name of the children's book your friend reads? Hopefully I'll need it.
Hi Sophie, I was going to mention epigenetics but see it's already been mentioned - it's pretty amazing! My son was conceived using a donor embryo (hubby is sterile and we decided not to use my eggs as the idea of bub being genetically mine and not his didn't sit right with me) and I'm now 4w6d pregnant with another donor bubba (a full genetic sibling to my son). I can totally relate to grieving the idea of having biological children - I saw a fertility counselor before beginning the process and that was really helpful (she was the one who first told me about epigenetics). I worried that I wouldn't bond as well with my bub (especially as I also had terrible HG and other complications while pregnant). But there has never been an issue. I fell in love straight away and we have the most amazing connection. While he isn't biologically related to me from the point of view that it wasn't my egg he grew from - we have shared so many biological experiences together that it doesn't matter (I grew him, my body decided which of his genes to switch on and off, I gave birth to him and I breastfeed him). He is no less mine than if I conceived him myself. We have been super open about the fact he was donor conceived from the word go and have maintained a relationship with our donors - I am so glad we have and have zero regrets. Happy to answer any questions you might have and wish you all the best as you make this decision xx
Pauls- thanks so much for your insight! We go Friday for the mandatory counseling session. I might have more questions for you after that.
My RE has approx 15 egg donors we'll choose from. They are all anonymous so no option to keep in touch which I'm thankful for. We intend to tell our child about the conception but will not tell family until we've told the child. Trying not to worry too much about that part as we won't introduce that news before age 4 or so. It'll be a shock to family but honestly none of our family is supportive so I'm not terribly concerned with keeping them in the loop or hearing their opinions.
Wish I was young enough to have 2 babies from the same donor. But sadly I've spent most of my fertile years miscarrying and grieving. If DE IVF works for us I'll be 45 when I deliver. It seems so old to me but praying if it's meant to be it'll happen and if not there was a reason for it.
One More Giraffe
Mommy Was Your Tummy Big?
What Makes a Baby?
The Family Book- talks about all the different types of families
I haven't read any of them and I'm sure there are others but these are the ones she has, hope this helps! I was thinking of getting some of these too. We are a two mom family and it would be nice to educate our son about lots of different families, so far we have just read about two moms and we say things like "some people have a mom and dad, some people have two dads, some people have a nana, etc. but it would be nice to talk about other types of families as well, especially because this applies to kids in his life.
Hope all goes well with counselling and then deciding on a donor.
You might also like to check out the book series called "Hope and Will have a baby" we have just ordered the one called "Hope and Will have a baby: the gift of embryo donation" but there is an egg donation book too - gingmg there is a sperm donor one too which might suit your situation - as the book had t arrived yet I'm not sure what the characters 'hope and will' look like though so may or may not fit with two mums - could be worth a look though!
After our required counseling session Friday we have decided not to pursue IVF using donor eggs.
After our failed IVF/embryo losses in December I really thought I was finally at a place where I was okay. But this decision to quit TTC has rekindled my grief. I feel overwhelmed with it. I have no one to tell. No real friends left after years of losses and my husband is struggling to the point I cannot confide or take comfort in him. Needed to share this somewhere so I chose here.
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