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Old Oct 26th, 2017, 16:07 PM   1
welshlass1986
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Infertility Sucks


When i was 15 i was diagnosed with Ovarian Cysts, the pain was unimaginable...I had surgery to remove them, before surgery they thought there was only one, when they got in there i had one so big it was completely hiding the second one..Due to the twisting (the part that caused the pain) it had sporadically cut off the blood supply to the ovary..After the surgery i was warned it could have damaged the ovary therefore causing problems conceiving later in life. I was 15..a baby was not in my plan at that point...

Fast forward to 5 years...when i was 20, i was having terrible abdominal pains, i went to the Dr and they diagnosed me with PID. Again a baby wasn't in my plan at that point in time, nor did i understand or know the devastating impact PID woudl have on my fertility. After i moved to the states in early 2007, my bf/soon to be husband came clean he caught chlamydia from someone he cheated on me with...i had it..he also gave me Herpes and HPV....I took antibiotics and the infection went away but the PID had done it damage.

I struggled through, i had to have a Leep procedure to remove the HPV from my cervix and have gone through countless other biopsies and abnormal PAPs over the past 10 years...

4 years and a divorce later....In 2011 i got a new GYN, i had been in a relationship with someone for over 2 years and babies were suddenly something i was starting to think about...we hadn't used protection in over a year and i had never got pregnant, i told my Dr about all the previous problems and she said PIC causes blocked tubes...I was oblivious to this...i had not been told about the effects of PID at the time i was diagnosed. I just remember asking her...well how do you unblock them, i just remember her looking at me and regretfully telling me, you can't....She ordered a HSG, it was HORRENDOUS....the nurse in the room was horrible to me, she had heard my background and i guess she just judged me...i tried to grab on her hand during the procedure but she pulled away, leaving me there crying in pain, i almost passed out. If that wasn't bad enough i was optimistic, expecting maybe some damage or maybe one tube blocked or partially...No....my Dr office called and told me that both tubes were blocked and my only option was IVF....I was crushed...My world fell apart, i cried for weeks, suffered from sever depression, panic attacks, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, felt like a total failure....I knew i couldn't afford IVF...I was devastated...all while being on the other side of the world from my family and unable to be comforted...My long term boyfriend at the time was no help at all.

After about a year or so i just started to accept it..I was sad but i was coming to terms with it, we relocated to a new area and i had to focus on getting myself back to me...i had other things to focus on...so i put all my energy in to work...Just over a year after the move, and after 5 years together me and the boyfriend separated.

3 years ago next week on Halloween, i met my now husband, i had decided by this point i didn't want kids..it had caused me too much heartache, i didn't want to reopen that pain...he wasn't pressed on the issue either. Then, boom, all of a sudden, i'm married, own a home, nice car, good jobs, dog and cat, money in the bank..... everything i had ever wanted, but something was missing, i wanted a baby...Early this year i went to my GYN, we talked, she pulled an old trans vaginal ultrasound my previous dr had ordered nearly 2 years before due to abnormal uterine bleeding...She said there was a large complex cyst, on the left ovary...it had attached to the abdomen and to my tubes and was pulling it all together, she was amazed the previous Dr had just ignored it. She scheduled a laparoscopy surgery, she removed the 8cmx6cm cyst, removed an active infection from the tube and cleared some of the scar tissue...She then pushed dye (like a HSG) through the tubes, on the left it spilled, on the right it came close...she also performed a very light D+C due to me having a thickened lining but not wanting to cause damage that could cause future problems.

I came around and was told the good news...i was apprehensive of the result, i went for my post op, she showed the images of the dye spilling from the tube...it had spilled...i was a little bit more optimistic.....
I started Clomid and ovulation tests to try and get my ovulation regular and try timed intercourse, i did 2 months at 50mg and im now in my 4th and final month of Clomid at 100mg. I have been ovulating regularly...which is fantastic, unfortunately still no pregnancy...

We had discussed we would redo a HSG after a few months, i had my 3rd HSG on the 16th of this month, it was immensely painful when she first put in the dye, i was in tears but thankfully the nurses were amazing, the one tech had also had an HSG and was pregnant after doing IVF so she understood how emotional the whole thing was as well as physically painful...
My Dr wanted to do it again, so she did a second lot of dye, this time it did not hurt. Afterward both her and the tech said the dye had spilled on the left!! I was ecstatic.........Dr. said she would refer us for a sperm analysis on hubby...that there was no reason a natural pregnancy couldn't be obtained, to keep trying, take the Clomid for one more month then we would change to Femara after month 6. I was so happy....

Until the following day...The official result came through my online portal....

INDICATION: Reversal of tubal ligation

Fluoro time: 1.8 minutes
Fluoro images: 10 images
Radiation dose (reference air kerma): 115.453 mGy

FINDINGS: The cervix was cannulated by the OB/GYN and contrast was injected.
Subtle irregularity of the uterine cavity and the initial images may represent
air bubbles.. Only the isthmic portion of the right fallopian tube fills. There
is no filling beyond that point. On the left side there is filling of the
fallopian tube with some irregularity of the midportion of the 2 but with the
more proximal tube filling. No definite free spill is identified on the left.

IMPRESSION:

1. Elderly essentially no filling of the right fallopian tube.


2. Filling of the left fallopian tube without definite free spill.

3. Questionable irregularity of the uterine cavity. This could represent
injected air bubbles however synechiae cannot be excluded.

No definite free spill...

So here i am today...IM CRUSHED...i'm back where i was in 2011, but this time its worse, because i had hope...and now its gone.....because now i really want a baby....because now i'm 6 years older...

My GYN has referred my to an RE and i have an appointment on November 8th, just a consult to go over the results and get her opinions and a determination once and for all...I don't know how i'm going to make it over the next 13 days...my heart hurts, my head hurts from crying so much....I'm a failure again and i just don't know how to pull myself together this time...

I figured if i could find some support from others that are going through the same thing i might be able to find some comfort for the time being. I feel like my entire world has fallen apart.....

I'm scared and worried about whats next...if it's IVF....its so daunting....only thing keeping me going i knowing we are in a position financially to fund IVF at a local clinic, that offers a refund program for $22k for 6 tries....I just don't know what to expect :( :( :(



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Old Oct 26th, 2017, 21:54 PM   2
LadyLovenox
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So sorry you're going through this!!! I didn't have blocked tubes, but had unexplained infertility and it ended up costing us 33k for my son....and it was worth every single penny!!!! We also did the "up to 6 chances" refund and it took us 4 tries! So glad we went that route. Hang in there. One day at a time. One appt/procedure at a time. Stay busy with non-fertility related hobbies/activities. You'll get there!!! Hugs!!



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Old Oct 26th, 2017, 23:08 PM   3
welshlass1986
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Thank you....Iím trying to take each day as it comes!! Iím so glad you got your baby!! I hope Iím lucky enough for it to happen too!!!



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Old Oct 27th, 2017, 00:07 AM   4
MKaykes
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Welsh, you've been through so much. It really is devastating. I keep it together 98% of the time and then I lose it. Facing the reality of possibly not having a biological child and doing something that is often taken for granted is really challenging. Most people in our "real" life can't grasp the immensity of it all.

I have a very different background but did my IVF egg retrieval this summer and am prepping for my second FET after a chemical the first time around. I just want to say I was super hesitant before we decided to do it and leading up to it. The loads of meds is overwhelming but then you get through it and I felt like a champ. I'm amazed at what science can do. Hopefully the next couple of weeks goes by quickly.



 
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Old Oct 27th, 2017, 00:48 AM   5
WackyMumof2
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I'm not in this situation but I want to say I'm thinking of you and praying for a baby for you! My cousin is in a similar situation due to PCOS and although she was told it's not impossible, it is very unlikely she will be able to conceive her own baby. She was always so protective of me and looked after me a lot so to hear that she will never experience pregnancy, labour or birth breaks my heart. I guess because of my cousin, I feel it first hand and I do feel very, very guilty that I have something she doesn't. Stay positive. I have faith that you will get your little baby!



 
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