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Old Mar 4th, 2013, 21:35 PM   1
Jaylynne
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grandparents favoring certain grandbabies?


Help me not despise my parents...

here's a bit of a background. we had to move for DHs job and lived about 2 hours away from family. we got pregnant and all throughout the pregnancy my mom kept saying she would watch lo when i went back to work full time. she even went so far as to say where his crib would go at her house and how fun it would be for the cousins to play together. she watches my older brother's two girls while my SIL works at a school. the girls are 2 1/2 and 16 months now. they also promised $10k towards our wedding. we got married much earlier because of baby on the way and insurance issues. so they decided not to give us the money since we had a justice of the peace wedding. whatever, somewhat understandable. then they promised when i was in the hospital trying to keep LO in my belly longer so he would have a shorter nicu stay that they would pay for the medical deductible ($8k). haven't seen a dime.

so we move to be closer to my parents so she can watch lo and of course we would still pay her. not trying to freeload but i do trust her with babies. she was a elementary school teacher and is fantastic with kids. after we move, suddenly she decides 3 is too much to watch (?!!?) and she already agreed to watch my SILs kids 5 days a week but says she will watch mine in the summer when my SIL is off. DH is pissed, I'm pissed because we moved closer based on this promise. then my dad writes a very insulting and incorrect article that single moms aren't enough for their children (DH and his two siblings were raised by a single mother after their dad died and she did a fantastic job). so now my inlaws are pissed and my dad refuses to see what he said was wrong even though he has nothing but examples of how single moms have done a fantastic job even though it was hard.

so (if you've made it this far), last week I asked my mom if she could watch the boys tuesdays and thursdays this summer as my SS is here when he's not in school. I figured 2 days a week would be more manageable than even thinking of asking for the same as my SIL as SS can be much more active. she hedges and then yesterday said that 5 hours is the max she can watch children during the day and that she has too many vacations scheduled to be of much help.... how is 5 hours a day going to help me when i need to be at work for 8 hours a day and the babysitter charges for a full day for anything more than 2 hours. what would be the point. and how would i logistically do that anyway. I'm so pissed off and disappointed. My mom bends over backwards to watch my nieces and to be honest, i'm starting to resent the poor little girls because i feel like my own children are getting slighted. it's not right for me to feel like that towards children who have done nothing wrong. growing up, my brother was always the favored one. always.

honestly, i feel like i don't even want to see them again. i'm so hurt. dh wants to call them up and tell them exactly what's on his mind. it's not like i asked them to do something they didn't already promise on their own. i didn't ask them to promise these things or even hint at it. but don't get me excited that my kids get to spend family time with their grandparents or that our financial burden would be lifted and then take it away. it just makes me want to punch them in the gut because that's how my gut feels when they do that. i don't want my kids ever thinking their grandparents love their cousins more.

uuuugghhhh don't know what to do but DH says if i keep quiet i'll explode on them but i really don't see what talking to them will do. it just seems to piss them off every time i try to talk to them when i feel something is off.



 
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Old Mar 4th, 2013, 21:42 PM   2
socitycourty
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don't have a solution really but that is very unfair.

I think yor DH is right, if you keep trying to hold it in you will probably have a blow up on them one day.

If they aren't going to help you anyway I would call them on it and if it ends up that you're not speaking, well you haven't lost much, right?




 
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Old Mar 4th, 2013, 22:04 PM   3
Dezireey
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Its a difficult one. I can see both sides here. I get what you are saying and I think I would be hurt aswell under the circumstances. But, the fact of the matter is that your brother had his kids before you had yours and I think therin lies a lot of the problem. Your Mum and Dad are in between a hard place and a rock- look after your kids now and they could mess up the whole routine with your neices ( causing problems with SIL and brother) or they could look after ALL grandkids and as your mum put it ( rightly so as she is older now) she wouldn't cope.I would expect a little compromise here and there though, you are their daughter so some help every now and then wouldnt go amiss for you.

I think your Dad writing about single mums is not directed at your in-laws, so they shouldnt take so much offence to it. I don't and I am a single mum. People who dont walk the walk and then give an opinion thats a bit silly should just be ignored.

The only way you will resolve things is have a good, heartfelt chat with your mum and dad. I wouldnt go down the route of ' you do EVERYTHING for my brother and nothing for me as I cant see them taking that and then sympathising with you. You just need to focus on your children and say you want them to bond with their grandparents and spend time with them'

Dont forget aswell hun that these are your kids, your responsibility. Grandparents dont have an absolute, finite duty to look after any grandkids unless they want to. Most of them are retired and want a relaxed life when they get older, they aren't always keen to suddenly babysit 24/ 7 as they did all this with their kids years ago and they know its hard work. Maybe your parents, after looking after your brothers kids and committing to babysitting those children are now regretting making that promise? Just a thought. It might have nothing to do with your babies at all.

Trying to see both sides here. Talk to your mum and dad, nothing will be resolved otherwise. :-) hugs x



 
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Old Mar 5th, 2013, 02:25 AM   4
Irish Eyes
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It's right to say that the kids are her responsibility but her parents are the ones that made the offer! The op even moved to be closer on the basis that her mum would be watching the kids. If its too much then her mum should have said so from the start. Yes, I would be pissed & I think you should say something. Maybe they don't realise how much its affecting you. I don't know about favouring grandchildren, they've already created such a bond with your nieces. My mil is very close to the older grandchildren and barely sees my baby, it bothered me before but she's the one missing out!



 
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Old Mar 5th, 2013, 03:55 AM   5
Cat lady
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Sit down with them, get all your feelings out and on to the table. And then you might be able to come to a compromise, I think your dh is right on this one, keep it bottled up and it will all fly out at the most inopportune moment.
Good luck! Families are not easy
xxx



 
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Old Mar 5th, 2013, 06:16 AM   6
Dezireey
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irish Eyes View Post
It's right to say that the kids are her responsibility but her parents are the ones that made the offer! The op even moved to be closer on the basis that her mum would be watching the kids. If its too much then her mum should have said so from the start.
Yep, but what I meant was that her Mum may have thought 'yeah, I can cope with my sons kids and also my daughters no problems' but now that reality has hit and she is looking after two children a lot, she may be realising that at her age now, she can't do it perhaps? It happens, grandparents think they can look after a bunch of kids but they forget how long ago that was and how much fitter and younger they were back then.



 
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Old Mar 5th, 2013, 06:29 AM   7
Noodlebear
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I'm sure if it were literally just the babysitting issue the OP would perhaps be more understanding. That PLUS promised money PLUS actually moving closer to them shows that this was going to be a long term solution, there had obviously been some pretty big discussions and decisions based on what the OP was promised and for that I think you and your OH have every right to be incredibly annoyed, I'd go mad!

I agree with him, I think that if there is no conversation had about it all you'll end up resenting them far more than if you sit down and maybe give them a chance to either explain or see how unfair they're being and just how much they have messed you around! I really feel for you, moving house is stressful enough without doing it so you'll be closer to help and then having the offer retracted just like *that*. I really hope you can come to some sort of arrangement with them, it doesn't matter who had children first you shouldn't go around saying that you'll help one and then not do the same for the other and you most certainly shouldn't wait til someone has uprooted and moved their whole family before changing your mind! x



 
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Old Mar 5th, 2013, 06:44 AM   8
Jaylynne
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I probably should have mentioned my mom was considering going back to teaching. That's 8+ hours a day. LO is a fairly easy baby to watch (LOs current sitter and my mom say this). My SS can be a handful, but everytime my mom has ever watched him, she's handled him expertly. Se really is great with kids especially those with ADHD like my SS has. My brother had it as well so she knows how to keep his attention.

Anyway, we solved the sitter dilemma. SS will go to a day camp when DH and i aren't taking vacation weeks. The camps have kids his age and they have tons of activities and fun outings. He will love it. LO will stay with his current sitter. I was hoping the two could spend more time together as SS is a fantastic big brother and LO watches his every move. Now summer will be twice as expensive. Ugh

I know I shouldn't expect my parents to watch my children, but I do expect people to actually follow through on promises.



 
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