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Old Apr 22nd, 2016, 03:51 AM   11
SpringCrane
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That sounds really hard! I would be very upset, too! The only advice I can give is generic couples communication tips... Discuss when you aren't actively pissed off... Be ready to offer solutions/tips/ideas... Use critique sandwiches (compliment, critique, another compliment)... Be prepared to listen to what he has to say without attacking him... Avoid saying "you always/never/etc" but give specific examples...

It's hard for the guy to get involved with baby if he can't help feed at this age (obviously he can hold/change/etc, but that's likely his argument. Regardless of that, he should be vacuuming and cleaning while you feed or snuggle baby. Just make sure he knows, too, that he'll only get good at taking care of his daughter by practicing. No one knows how to parent without just figuring it out with time spent parenting.
Honestly I think saying it's hard for men to help at this stage is utter rubbish. I breastfed both my boys and my husband was very involved from day one. He basically did everything else apart from feed them. That included assisting during the night.
My husband also, but I've seen friends' husbands struggle with bonding and that serms to affect their tendency to contribute equally. I'm not OKing her OH's behavior, but she also isn't alone. I have a friend who is just now becoming successful at getting her husband to properly contribute to the household and parenting, and their child is 2.5. It took counseling to make a difference.



 
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Old Apr 22nd, 2016, 06:25 AM   12
RaspberryK
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Sounds like manchild syndrome to me and you're enabling him. I lived with it for a long time and I won't be putting up with it ever again.
It's pull his weight or shove off I'm afraid. X



 
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Old Jun 4th, 2016, 11:48 AM   13
tiffanyvd87
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I have been at my wits end too. I think more women go through this now a days and the men that step up and act like a father are a rare breed. My daughter has just turned one and I have gone back to work. My hubby has just started changing her diapers and that is only because I am not there. Through the entire time I was off work with our daughter, I did everything from cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids and pets, etc. His only job was to come home from work and eat a hot meal. I would often be so frustrated I would vent to him, he would apologize, make a little effort but it would always go back to me doing it all and him either falling asleep from a hard days work or doing what ever it is he does in the garage.
I ended up leaving a chore list the other night for him. I never left the house a write off when he came home from work. I think its only fair that I come home to the same clean environment.
I could go on and on but in the end, my hubby came around. Even though it was basically forced as I had no choice but to return to work.
You need to be firm with your husband. Tell him you're going out for a while, to take care of the child and you'll be back in a couple of hours



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Old Jun 4th, 2016, 18:39 PM   14
pradabooties
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Hi ladies, thanks for your replies. Things are a bit better thankfully... Not perfect but now when he has days off he takes the baby so I can shower and rest and do things around the house. He's also started cleaning and tidying up after himself... 90% of the time at least! So it's not amazing but it's a vast improvement and has been stable for a few weeks now.

Just in response to bonding being a factor - my Bub and OH are VERY bonded so he doesn't have that excuse haha. She goes crazy over him and he's obsessed with her, it's pure laziness.

I wish I could leave her with him for a few hours to go out and have a break and let him see how hard it truly is but he's a smoker and I won't allow her near him smoking and also aren't comfortable with her being inside alone while he goes out to smoke... Annoying but how it is right now.



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Old Jun 5th, 2016, 03:18 AM   15
noon_child
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I wish I could leave her with him for a few hours to go out and have a break and let him see how hard it truly is but he's a smoker and I won't allow her near him smoking and also aren't comfortable with her being inside alone while he goes out to smoke... Annoying but how it is right now.
So he's crazy about her, but not enough to realise how damaging cigarette smoke on his hair and clothing is, or to forego a cig for a few hours because he's responsible for a baby's welfare? Do you know this, or are you projecting your low expectations for him (well founded ones from what you have written) on to what you think he'll do?



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Old Jun 5th, 2016, 05:00 AM   16
pradabooties
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.

I wish I could leave her with him for a few hours to go out and have a break and let him see how hard it truly is but he's a smoker and I won't allow her near him smoking and also aren't comfortable with her being inside alone while he goes out to smoke... Annoying but how it is right now.
So he's crazy about her, but not enough to realise how damaging cigarette smoke on his hair and clothing is, or to forego a cig for a few hours because he's responsible for a baby's welfare? Do you know this, or are you projecting your low expectations for him (well founded ones from what you have written) on to what you think he'll do?
Yep this has been the biggest stress throughout the pregnancy and after she's been born. He promised he would but put it off again and again and then she arrived and he still hasn't done it. We've had endless problems about it, mostly all me being upset and him ignoring it. He has to wash his hands and change clothes before every time he holds her which you'd think would be inconvenient enough for anyone to want to stop but he's smoked since he's 10 and in that sense he's a weak person. I still want him to stop and we will not be having a second child til he does! I said to him the other day - you do realise I can't leave you and her to have a day alone because you smoke? He didn't realise, he'd never thought of it. I said seriously, what would you do? He said I don't know... I guess I'll need to stop. In about a year I have to work full time hours for a 3 week period so he will literally have no choice but to sort it before then. My OH isn't a bad person but when women say "men are stupid" they're talking about him



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Old Jun 6th, 2016, 04:24 AM   17
JumpingIn
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Is he lacking in empathy generally or is it just with this issue? Is he depressed?

If there are no other psychological factors at play here then I'm afraid he's just being a complete arsehole and you deserve better



 
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Old Jun 6th, 2016, 05:03 AM   18
pradabooties
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He has anxiety for sure. He lost his mum when he was a child and basically raised himself as his dad's a businessman. But I feel when I became pregnant he should have stepped up and got past his issues... I have asked him to see doctors or therapists and he won't. Anyway, as I said it's been a lot better for a while now and is nothing as bad as my initial post but it's not good I ever felt that way that's for certain!



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Old Jun 7th, 2016, 03:12 AM   19
noon_child
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He has anxiety for sure. He lost his mum when he was a child and basically raised himself as his dad's a businessman. But I feel when I became pregnant he should have stepped up and got past his issues... I have asked him to see doctors or therapists and he won't. Anyway, as I said it's been a lot better for a while now and is nothing as bad as my initial post but it's not good I ever felt that way that's for certain!
People often think that self-sufficient children should make capable adults but what really happens is that they become insecure and find ways to look after themselves rather than others. Putting themselves first during times of stress is a survival mechanism. That's not to excuse what he has done at all! I'm so glad he has started stepping up...sounds better than mine now!



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Old Jun 7th, 2016, 12:51 PM   20
keepinitreal1
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My DH tried to pull this on me in the early stages when we started living together. He came from a home with a SAHM and was utterly spoiled regarding housework.

After many arguments, crying, yelling etc. I. STOPPED. CLEANING. Simply stopped. Didn't do the dishes, only washed my own clothes etc.

Imagine his shock after 4 days or so when he didn't have his gym gear washed. And the priceless face on a sunny sunday when he didn't get lunch and was served dry crackers in a plastic bowl because I didn't have any clean pots and pans or plates.

It was a difficult week for me, but seeing how much I actually do every day put things into perspective for him. He pulls his weight mostly now, but after the baby was born and since I get a year of maternity leave he started to think that I have nothing to do all day except keep the house in order and started slacking off again. I simply reminded him that I am very busy keeping two people alive all day and that history will repeat itself.

Now naturally I'm not suggesting that you leave your children suffer, but apart from that - stop enabling him! If he has anxiety, make him seek help and not use it as a crutch!

Good luck!



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