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Old Apr 16th, 2016, 21:26 PM   1
pradabooties
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At my wits end - how to get fiancÚ to help/parent!


Sorry for the vent, I'm so annoyed right now. It's 12.30pm and my OH is still asleep in bed... I've tried to wake him up at least 10 times since 8am and he just goes back to sleep. I asked him in advance to get up at a reasonable hour to watch our 3 month old so I could shower and vacuum and he went to bed at midnight, not exceptionally late, so there's literally no excuse. Worst still he fell asleep on the couch then came to bed last night... When I got up with the baby at 6am he had left all the lights on, the tv on and dirty dishes in the lounge. I'm so at my wits end, he hasn't helped and has slept in every day since the day our baby was born. I've asked him to help countless times and even had emotional breakdowns crying and begging for his help and still he's the same. I had a very traumatic emergency c-section and when I got home I still had to do everything for the baby plus clean and cook while he played video games and slept in. I'm seriously starting to hate him for the first time in our 8 year relationship and I don't know what to do. I can't just leave him with the baby and go out to force him to help because I'm having trouble pumping milk lately and he literally wouldn't even know how to get her to nap. We're going away on a short vacation tomorrow and I know I need to address this, I think it'll be better on holiday when we're relaxed and have quality time together because if I said how I'm feeling now it would definitely turn into a fight because I have a lot of anger! Any ideas for how to bring this up in a way that will actually make him listen?!



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Old Apr 16th, 2016, 21:42 PM   2
SpringCrane
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That sounds really hard! I would be very upset, too! The only advice I can give is generic couples communication tips... Discuss when you aren't actively pissed off... Be ready to offer solutions/tips/ideas... Use critique sandwiches (compliment, critique, another compliment)... Be prepared to listen to what he has to say without attacking him... Avoid saying "you always/never/etc" but give specific examples...

It's hard for the guy to get involved with baby if he can't help feed at this age (obviously he can hold/change/etc, but that's likely his argument. Regardless of that, he should be vacuuming and cleaning while you feed or snuggle baby. Just make sure he knows, too, that he'll only get good at taking care of his daughter by practicing. No one knows how to parent without just figuring it out with time spent parenting.



 
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Old Apr 16th, 2016, 23:26 PM   3
Natasha2605
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That sounds awful. What does he say about his actions- or lack of!?

I cannot believe how unsupportive he is being- he ought to be ashamed!



 
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Old Apr 16th, 2016, 23:38 PM   4
pradabooties
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Thanks girls, that's definitely what I need to focus on springcrane - bringing it up without sounding like attacking him, which will be hard! I am a bit passive so it's very bottled up and I'm ready to explode lol.

Natasha he basically apologises and admits he is lazy / finds it difficult to find the motivation to clean and promises to help more... Then doesn't. He finally got up at 1pm today and said "that was a good sleep, I needed that!" To which I handed him the baby and walked straight to the bathroom to have a shower to avoid yelling at him that I could really do with not waking up at 5/6am every day! He even called out to me "don't be grumpy with me"...oh boy!



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Old Apr 17th, 2016, 02:35 AM   5
george83
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My oh was like this after ds1 was born, ds1 is now 4 1/2 and we've since had 2 other children and my oh still doesn't do anything to help. I try and give him options - like he's a child - do you want to wash up or tidy the bedroom or even just do you want to wash up or watch the children while I wash up which does sometimes help but he just doesn't seem to see the jobs that need doing in the same way that I do. He does really irritate me when he moans about doing the things I do most days (I got home from work on Thursday after picking the kids up from child care at 6.15 and literally got them all straight in the bath and ready for bed but last night ds3 needed a bath as he dirt on his face and in his hair but oh simply insisted on cleaning it with a baby wipe as if that's the same) but I've given up trying to fight him now.



 
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Old Apr 17th, 2016, 02:46 AM   6
Natasha2605
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pradabooties View Post
Thanks girls, that's definitely what I need to focus on springcrane - bringing it up without sounding like attacking him, which will be hard! I am a bit passive so it's very bottled up and I'm ready to explode lol.

Natasha he basically apologises and admits he is lazy / finds it difficult to find the motivation to clean and promises to help more... Then doesn't. He finally got up at 1pm today and said "that was a good sleep, I needed that!" To which I handed him the baby and walked straight to the bathroom to have a shower to avoid yelling at him that I could really do with not waking up at 5/6am every day! He even called out to me "don't be grumpy with me"...oh boy!
Honestly it sounds like he is fully aware he is taking the piss. You've said yourself you are a bit passive and it sounds like he's become so used to that that now he doesn't "bother".

How you kept calm enough when he said he needed that sleep I have no idea. I'd tell him this evening that in the morning you'll wake him and X o'clock and what you need from him the following day.

I couldn't deal with that. Makes me thankful my OH is the complete opposite. Me and baby didn't come downstairs till after 9am yesterday and in that time he'd gave breakfast to our other two and done the washing and cleaning.



 
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Old Apr 17th, 2016, 02:54 AM   7
MumToEva
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Trying to talk to him clearly isn't working - I think you need to be a lot firmer about what you need from him. For example, him having his lie in depends on you looking after the baby during that time surely? If so, I'd tell him (not ask, tell) the night before that tomorrow morning you are going to be doing some housework first thing, so aside from breast-feeding the baby, you will be leaving the baby in the bedroom with him. He won't sleep too long if the baby starts shouting. And give him choices as to what he wants to do that don't involve doing nothing "The dishwasher needs emptied and the baby needs bathed, which would you like to do?"

The longer you let him get away with things, the more you are going to resent him. Make him change his ways now, while there's still a relationship to salvage!



 
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Old Apr 18th, 2016, 16:53 PM   8
weedle
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Although my other half is great when I'm at work ect. If I'm there he expects me to do everything. I give choices like the other ladies who have commented 'do you want to walk the dog or put the kids to bed?' 'Do you want to mop the floors or change the baby?' It works pretty well



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Old Apr 19th, 2016, 04:29 AM   9
loeylo
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Honestly, id give him choices too. Tidy up or leave!

I have this sometimes with my OH. He does suffer from depression, but he is a lot better than he has been now. I kicked off on one yesterday as I left him with a contented baby kicking on her mat while I cleaned the kitchen (as in deep cleaned, emptying cupboards and the fridge to clean inside) - I heard the wee one crying and he was literally ignoring her! Grr!

This isn't the 1950s, if he doesn't pull his weight then are you really benefitting from him being around?



 
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Old Apr 21st, 2016, 10:02 AM   10
zorak
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SpringCrane View Post
That sounds really hard! I would be very upset, too! The only advice I can give is generic couples communication tips... Discuss when you aren't actively pissed off... Be ready to offer solutions/tips/ideas... Use critique sandwiches (compliment, critique, another compliment)... Be prepared to listen to what he has to say without attacking him... Avoid saying "you always/never/etc" but give specific examples...

It's hard for the guy to get involved with baby if he can't help feed at this age (obviously he can hold/change/etc, but that's likely his argument. Regardless of that, he should be vacuuming and cleaning while you feed or snuggle baby. Just make sure he knows, too, that he'll only get good at taking care of his daughter by practicing. No one knows how to parent without just figuring it out with time spent parenting.
Honestly I think saying it's hard for men to help at this stage is utter rubbish. I breastfed both my boys and my husband was very involved from day one. He basically did everything else apart from feed them. That included assisting during the night.



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