I really needed to write this all down somewhere and ask for advice sorry it's super long.
My little guy is 10months, I was very down in the pregnancy about finding out he was a boy but this totally vanished after a few weeks and then it was great.
I got the birth a wanted (semi-emergency planned c-sec) recovered super quick and breastfeeding got off brilliantly. Around 3 months it was (finally I had no idea) noticed that he hadn't gained barely any weight and had dropped well off the percentile chart and was hospitalised intermittently for a few weeks. I felt really abandoned by my husband during this time for choosing work over us and terrible for my daughter and was also worried the nurses thought it was something I was doing. I felt quite forced to move onto the bottle eventually so that's what we did and after a sad week or so it was fine.
He was colicky from day one and never ever let me put him down but I didn't care at all I just adored him and he could do no wrong everything had just brought us closer together people would comment on how much I loved him and didn't share!
Then around 7ish months this started the total dread of everyday, feeling like I can't cope anymore. He's such an unhappy baby he just cries all day he's constantly tired but refuses to take a bottle and nap he can just scream for hours. My husband works long hours so I'm alone with him 7-11 most days. He refuses to go in a pushchair so going out is a nightmare!
I find myself crying constantly, find him completely overwhelming I feel like I don't like him at all and not sure if I love him. Instead of getting better it just gets worse he's quite developmentally behind which I think frustrates him and it's like he's particularly awful just for me.
I've tried to be positive, started a little hair bow business to throw myself at but I'm so lonely and down. I applied for a job as a travel agent but didn't get it.
Really my life is lovely and I get told I'm ungrateful to feel unhappy I don't have many friends (only 2 I see occasionally) my mom is very unsupportive and is making me feel a lot worse recently so I'm trying to distance myself a bit.
I'm hoping to put him into childcare one day a week to have a break but so far everywhere is full and I feel like my husband will just think I'm lazy.
I'm starting to worry about my sanity though, I have developed massive anxiety over my daughter when she's asleep and today I came into the house and thought 'ahh peace' after the school run completely forgetting my son was still in the car! It was only around 2minutes but it frieghtened me I could forget. I'm snappy and mean to him, I just don't want to care for him recently he's horrible.
I know I'm lucky, I have a loveing husband who cares (he is neglectful but I understand he has all the financial pressures and thinks providing is the most important priority and he is trying to be here more) one of each, a nice house we have lots of holidays to look forward to and I don't have to worry about work and it just makes me feel even more selfish and useless. All I wanted was this life and to be a mother and I'm still not happy what's wrong with me?!
I'm so sorry, it's so long and rambled. Do you think I could have it even though he's not a new baby and the beginning was great? What should I do I'm dreading every day with him and the future which is such a horrible feeling Xx
That's a link to the exact screening test my OBGYN uses.
I have four kids, and I know the overwhelmed feeling you're talking about. I know how it feels to have NO time to yourself. I know how it feels to have so much pressure on you and to feel like you're being lazy and useless and that you're never doing enough while your OH is doing so much to support the family. I know the lonely feeling that comes with being a stay at home parent. I don't blame you at ALL for feeling this way. It's not TRUE, but it's the way we feel sometimes.
One thing that works for me is getting on a schedule, or at least a routine. I do a schedule because... I have 4 kids, so my oldest 3 (2, 3, 5) can look at the clock and see what they should be doing. My baby will often try to go off-schedule, so I do have to force it sometimes.
I always hold my babies through their naps until they decided they want to start napping on their own. This is sometimes as late as 18 months old. I do it anyway. I'd rather sit down and play on my computer while my sweet baby sleeps on me, occasionally kiss his little forehead and sniff his little baby scent, than let him cry. Eventually, they all decided one day that they'd go to bed with their siblings for nap. If you have a laptop, you can hold your baby and read online or play games or - my guilty pleasure - watching people clean their houses on YouTube. Hahaha. It's really helped ME figure out how to clean better and faster and to realize exactly what I need to be doing every day. Before that, I'd watch other things like videos about people's parenting struggles or funny cat videos or whatever. I also like to do Sudoku online during this time. Yeah, that's right. I spend my quiet time playing on the computer. I sometimes bring coffee.
Having enough "me" time is what's gotten me out of this funk. I tend to drift back into a state of depression very easily. I hope my tips help you... But if you're making changes and getting time to yourself and you still feel terrible, you've gotta do something. There are online support groups for postpartum depression, too. Some people don't even notice postpartum depression until their babies are a year old, and then they feel like frauds and are afraid to seek out others or get help. Don't feel like your feelings matter any less just because your baby is older. I hope you start feeling great. Get out of the house, take your baby for a walk, listen to some upbeat music... Go to the doctor, and don't be afraid to medicate if you need it. Its better than feeling terrible all the time...
Depression is depression, whether it classes as PND or not you are still suffering and deserve help. One of the ******* symptoms of depression is guilt - guilt that other people are worse off, that you can't snap out of it, that you should be grateful etc. etc. but if you were talking to your best friend and she said she felt this bad would you think she didn't deserve help and to feel happy?
I felt really isolated and didn't really enjoy a lot of motherhood at all in the first year. I wasn't technically depressed but it was overwhelming even without depression so add in a few messed up chemicals and that's going to be hell. I had no family nearby, all my friends worked full time and although my husband was supportive and loved the LO he didn't really have to do the tough parenting, he just got the fun bits.
You've also had a traumatic few months and sometimes it is only after these traumas are over that our brains decide to get anxious and depressed. Maybe there's hormonal changes since stopping breastfeeding, maybe it's just the emotional toil of feeling like you had to give up on something that was important to you, maybe it's just the exhaustion of a whole 7months in which you've been giving your all and finally your body is just saying "No!".
You aren' alone in feeling this way but it doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
That sounds so hard please get help - go to see a doctor and they can refer you to someone to talk to. As far as your son goes, has he been tested for allergies at all? If he's fussy all the time then perhaps he might have a milk allergy? Changing to a prescription formula might help to relieve his discomfort and you might find you end up with a completely different baby!
Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? Maybe if he knew how you were feeling he could try to be more supportive.
I do think you could have PND still, but certainly depression regardless (as noon child pointed out). You should definitely talk to someone, as it is not fair for you to feel that way. You are a great mom! Hugs.
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