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Old Apr 4th, 2017, 04:38 AM   1
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Friend not interested in my son (rant!)

So a bit of background: my DH and I tried for 12 months to conceive naturally, then went through 6 failed medicated IUIs (all BFNs) and then 2 IVFs before we conceived our son who's turning 6 months tomorrow.

I have this childish friend who's 4 years my junior. I've known her for about 7½ years. Our friendship up until now has mostly consisted of her needing lots of emotional support as she was always falling for loser guys (her 2 previous boyfriends where very emotionally and occasionally physically abusive) and she suffers from extremly low self esteem. She's now living with her current boyfriend who's about 9-10 years younger than her that she met at her college (she's gone back to study again as she was too lazy trying to find a job after her previous education and now can't get anything so she decided to study more). They were apparently TTCing shortly after I got pregnant and she did conceive but lost the baby at about 12 weeks in August. They're TTCing again but last I heard from her, she hadn't gotten AF yet since her mc. DH and I tried to invite her over to be supportive after her mc so she could talk to us about it but she kept putting it off and never having time to come over so she basically refused our support which I get as I was very pregnant at the time. Oh and she didn't tell me she was pregnant when we saw her in June, she just kept asking us about how much baby stuff costs and what happens at scans and midwife appointments showing 0 interest when we've mentioned how things went for us. We btw told her about our pregnancy when I was about 7 weeks along. They did come to see my son when he was about 2 months old but nothing since.

I invited her and her boyfriend to my son's baptism which was at the start of March and at first she said yes but cancelled the week before at the end of February saying she had been sick and was now behind on a paper she had to hand in so couldn't come anyway because she needed to write it finished in time. Haven't heard from her since and for months on end, she hasn't liked any of my posts about my son on FB. She shows 0 interest. It's not like I conceived within a couple of months either, I went through a struggle of almost 2½ years.

I don't know why it all bothers me as I haven't been entirely happy with our friendship since up until now it's been all about her but maybe that's why, that I was there for her so much (except after her mc but that was her rejecting mine and my DH's support) and now she can't even be bothered to show some interest for my son. I don't think I can even talk to her about it because she'll just make me out to be the bad person.

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Old Apr 4th, 2017, 04:57 AM   2
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I totally get why you are disappointed in her commitment to you as a friend, she sounds like she's running on empty emotionally and has very little to offer. You gave support to her when she needed it and she hasn't given back.

However I don't get why she has to like pictures of your son, or be interested in your baby beyond how being a mother is affecting you and supporting you as her friend. I have zero interest in other people's children really. I love my own, but children don't interest me. I know I'm supposed to ask to see photos out of politeness, so I do, but that's about it. Being someone's friend doesn't mean loving everything they love.

Friendships often drift when something becomes important to one and not the other. Now that something is the centre of your world which isn't part of hers maybe it's a good time to let go of a friendship that was offering you so little in return. No hard feelings, no blame, just the way things go.

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Old Apr 4th, 2017, 10:19 AM   3
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I think maybe you are expecting a bit too much of her. It doesn't honestly sound like you two are particularly close friends anyway or at least haven't been in a long time. And if you haven't talked to her much recently, you really have no idea what she might be going through, whether it was the one miscarriage that you did know about or whether she has had a series of them, it makes perfect sense that it might be difficult for her to be around friends with children right now. If you two were genuinely really close, I think maybe just a quick note to say she's going through a lot and isn't really feeling like meeting up would be thoughtful of her in that situation. But honestly, it doesn't really sound like you two were especially close recently and in that case, I don't think she really owes you an explanation. I think it's easy to only see a situation from our own position, which is from the point of feeling slighted that she doesn't take much interest in your son. Honestly, though I don't take much interest in most of my friend's kids. I have enough going on it my own life and I would probably think it was pretty ridiculous if a friend got upset because I didn't like enough of her photos on Facebook. I think maybe you might have to try to see this from how she might be feeling right now or how you might guess she could be feeling since you don't really know. And there are lots of scenarios I can think of when her distance and lack of interest probably makes a lot of sense in terms of coping with the stuff she's going through. So I think maybe just try to be a bit more understanding. If you can't deal with a friend that is in and out of your life when things get rocky (which is also understandable), I would just cut ties and end the friendship and move on. You don't owe her your friendship if you don't feel like she is sufficiently involved in your life now, but at the same time, I don't think you can get too upset about all of this either. We all have our own ways of dealing with grief and loss and the stuff we're going through. You might just need to give her space to deal with it, maybe leaving the door open if she wants to be in your life in the future. Lots of things change when we have children and some it sucks, but this is probably one of those things that I wouldn't take too personally because it honestly doesn't sound like it's about you.

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Old Apr 4th, 2017, 11:43 AM   4
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By the way you've worded your post it doesn't really sound like you think much of her, probably best for both of you to just distance yourself from the "friendship." I understand you're feeling hurt by her but I honestly can't imagine myself writing a post like this about anyone I truly consider to be a friend, no matter how irritated I was feeling with them.

Maybe she acknowledges that you've spent so much time helping her through things and that's one of the reasons she didn't ask for you support through her miscarriage, knowing that you were about to have a baby yourself and she didn't want to put that negativity on you or make you feel guilty in some way. Maybe she's really struggling with it now (and I don't think it matters whether you had trouble conceiving or not in this context) but doesn't want to talk to you about it because it might make you feel bad.

I had lots of friends who disappeared shortly after I had my daughter. It was disappointing for sure, it's hard to think that someone who cares about you doesn't care about the most important thing in your life, but I think in a lot of cases childless people don't understand that. I certainly didn't before I had my LO. I think that being in different places in your lives becomes extra obvious when children are involved and sometimes relationships get put on pause or grow apart. I don't think it's anyone's fault.

Anyway, as I said it sounds like this isn't the closest or healthiest of friendships to begin with so probably best to just move on.

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Old Apr 4th, 2017, 11:52 AM   5
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I do think your friend might be going through more than you can imagine, and that it might be really difficult of her to see photos of your son and to show interest in him. It isn't necessarily that she isn't interested, but it may perhaps hurt her to see you with a baby when she has recently suffered a mc. Having been through a mc myself, I know I grieved for a very long time, and seeing pregnancy announcements and babies made me profoundly sad. It was hard for me to be really happy for people until I finally was pregnant with my rainbow baby, and past the 20 week mark. So, I think even though you feel slighted, she might be in pain and the fact that she is withdrawing might be because she doesn't think you'd understand or because it hurts too much to be around you.
However, I wanted to say that I think it is perfectly natural for you to feel a bit slighted and hurt that she hasn't shown interest in your son or 'liked' your pictures on Facebook. Your son is a part of who you are and you love him more than anything. It is only natural that you would want your friends to show SOME interest in him, as he is a part of you. I know personally how much it hurts to feel like a close friend doesn't care about your child. It isn't unreasonable or selfish of you to feel that way, in my opinion, but I do think you should extend her some grace and realize this probably isn't about your son, and more to do about her own grief and struggle during this time.

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Old Apr 4th, 2017, 14:14 PM   6
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I had a lot of friends that I classify as "users". It's all good when I'm there to support them. It's all good when everything is all about them, but as soon as something happens to me, good or bad, where are they?? Nowhere to be found. Not interested. I realized it's not a friendship. I'd understand a LITTLE if it was really her being jealous and wanting a baby, but I never blew my friends off when I was TTC for 18 months and my friends were getting pregnant and having babies during that time... But it sounds like you're right - she's not upset that you've got a kid and she doesn't... She's upset that you're happy and too busy for her drama and might want to talk about yourself sometimes.

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Old Apr 4th, 2017, 14:34 PM   7
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I also have had lots of friends that show no interest in my children yet now they've started having children of their own suddenly their children are the most important things in the world. I find it really sad for my children that my friends think they aren't special enough to even ask about but I do tend to think if they don't care about my children I don't really care about them. A couple of very old friends I keep in touch with but only because I feel it's the right thing to do and to be honest I never contact them to arrange meeting up, others ive just distanced myself from.

I too had a mc so I understand how hard that must have been for her but equally I don't think that's an excuse for everything

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Old Apr 5th, 2017, 01:07 AM   8
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I don't think you like her very much, i think you may keep her around party as you feel she needs you and partly to elevate your own self-esteem. In regards to her being interested in you lo, why would she be, she seems completely self-absorbed and a baby can't serve to gather her attention so why would she be bothered? Also i think you are being mean actually, even aside from everything else she is struggling over her lost baby and desperate to have another, why would she be singing and dancing for you, you don't have much sympathy for her...

I think the relationship you have together is toxic. Sorry to be blunt but i have been trapped in a friendship like this and i was you, it took me a long time to realise i was being as dysfunctional as her by keeping her around.

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Old Apr 5th, 2017, 13:59 PM   9
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It's always hurtful when someone you thought was a friend turns out not to be a "friend for life."

But I also think there is a natural distance that forms between people with kids and people without kids. I wouldn't take it too seriously. The same thing gradually happens between married friends and non-married friends. It's just a natural shift, where people feel closer to friends who are going through what they are going through.

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Old Apr 5th, 2017, 14:34 PM   10
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Maybe she doesn't feel she can come to you. Maybe her "refusing" your support was her way of trying not to lean on you too much given you were pregnant/had a new born.

LTTTC can be heartbreaking, as can losing a baby and moreover, losing a baby changes you in ways that you can't always control. Honestly I think you're being a bit tough on her.

As for the interest in your son and Facebook likes etc, even if she is your friend she isn't obliged to have any interest in your child because although he may be your world, he doesn't have to be hers.

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friend , interested , rant , son

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