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Old Aug 13th, 2017, 04:57 AM   11
KatO79
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Originally Posted by WackyMumof2 View Post
If it makes you feel better, my mother couldn't be there for DS2's first birthday. She did make it for DS1 but she was living closer. My brother has NEVER bothered with his nephews because he's got a problem with me and a lot of people we would love to come to birthdays of any age, just can't make it. Don't take it too personally. But as a thought, have his first birthday with your family who can't be there for the big day - even if it's just a little get together. Don't cancel plans especially if you have had a lot of people RSVP. One day he will ask why he had 2 parties when he's older and you can tell him he had a lot of special people that couldn't make it for his actual birthday so you took that special day to them a week or 2 earlier. He won't mind I wouldn't imagine. And if anything, it would probably give him bragging rights when he ends up with younger siblings (if you have more) because 'he had 2 parties and they didn't'.

Thank you but 2 of my toxic siblings live in the US so wouldn't fly over for it. My sister in the US keeps saying she should come to Denmark but never does so haven't seen her in 7 years either. The eldest sibling, a brother, I'm no contact with as he has showed almost 0 interest in me (last we were in contact was while I was in my early/mid-20s and all he did was text me bad sex jokes in very poor taste that weren't funny at all!) and has never been supportive either (he lives in Denmark but far away). I don't think anyone else in my family that lives here would come other than maybe my cousin as my most toxic sibling (the brother that lives in the US) has been character assassinating me so the vast majority of my family avoid me now

But we may invite the little brother and his girlfriend over for a dinner, will consider that.



 
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Old Aug 13th, 2017, 13:28 PM   12
jtink28
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i know it's disappointing, but they definitely have good reasons. your brother is in a band and how amazing he's going on tour! that's a big deal. and a 30th birthday is a huge deal - i think if she missed her brother's 30th he would be upset, whereas your little guy won't remember a thing.

it's really hard to remember, as a parent, that people just don't care about your kid as much as you do. it's not that they don't care - they do. just not as much as you, and not enough to totally alter their life plans, you know?

just think about it this way - do you know who was at your first birthday party? has your mom spent hours showing you pictures of your first birthday? do you care at all who was there? nope! a first birthday part is NOT for the child - it's solely for the parent so enjoy the people that come, and tell them you hope they can come over after the band tour for a small family celebration with more cake!



 
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Old Aug 14th, 2017, 04:52 AM   13
KatO79
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Originally Posted by jtink28 View Post
i know it's disappointing, but they definitely have good reasons. your brother is in a band and how amazing he's going on tour! that's a big deal. and a 30th birthday is a huge deal - i think if she missed her brother's 30th he would be upset, whereas your little guy won't remember a thing.
My brother-in-law is yes, not my brother. His band was on tour not so long ago so didn't expect them to go out again so soon. I hadn't heard anything, either on his Facebook page or the band's page so it came as a surprise.

The thing is I'll remember it. But anyway, I just hope that the girlfriend won't be taking off for her family's town (which is pretty far away) every year on the same weekend we'll be holding my son's birthday. Her brother is born on September 30th so it may lead to more conflicting dates.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jtink28 View Post
it's really hard to remember, as a parent, that people just don't care about your kid as much as you do. it's not that they don't care - they do. just not as much as you, and not enough to totally alter their life plans, you know?
True and I've already said in my first post that I know that life doesn't revolve around my son or me. But given what we went through to have him, I guess his 1st birthday just means something extra special to me since I feared we might not be able to have our own biological children.


Quote:
Originally Posted by jtink28 View Post
just think about it this way - do you know who was at your first birthday party? has your mom spent hours showing you pictures of your first birthday? do you care at all who was there? nope! a first birthday part is NOT for the child - it's solely for the parent so enjoy the people that come, and tell them you hope they can come over after the band tour for a small family celebration with more cake!
As for my mother I've mentioned that she's been toxic. All my life really, she's highly emotionally and psychologically abusive. I was groomed from an early age by her and my most toxic brother to be the family scapegoat, I role I'm rebelling against and has led to my brother smear campaigning me and the rest of the family shunning me. I have huge blanks about my childhood which is apparently due to trauma. I don't think she even has any pics of my 1st birthday. I've never seen any so either there aren't any or she didn't bother keeping them I doubt very many where there if my parents hosted anything as we were living in the USA and the vast majority of my mother's mostly toxic relatives lived in Denmark while my father was an only child with only his mother left (may be some very extended family on his side but never heard of any or know who they may be).

The party will already be limited to my toxic mother, my in-laws and the DH's eldest brother (maybe his kids if they're not at their mother's that weekend; DH's eldest brother and his wife divorced a couple of years ago).

I suggested inviting DH's little brother over with the girlfriend sometime in late October but DH thinks it's too weird and not something his family does, especially if we're talking only 2 people



 
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Old Aug 16th, 2017, 08:07 AM   14
laura109
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Hi hun ive been in a similar situation with my ohs family. His sister had a baby 3 months before me. She got all the help from oh mum and dad whilst
Me & her brother have been left to struggle. She has dogs that she refuses to leave. So she missed my daughters first & second birthdays as leaving the dogs for 45 hours was not an option. Pretty insulting really. She is now moving house and has stolen mil away from us again so we cant get on with decorating for baby number two. She also has her mum booked in for dog sitting 10 days in September so we cant leave our daughter with mil whilst i have a scan. So yup I understand exactly why you are upset. You want them to take an interest in your sons life. Sadly im learning with this second pregnancy that people dont change and for my daughters sake now i try and socialise her with other people rather than her own family as they don't try at all.

I hope you enjoy your sons birthday anyway dont let them ruin it as he will have an amazing day without them. You have been through alot to be a mummy and I understand that you feel blessed to be a mummy now. Hope you manage to enjoy it xx



 
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Old Aug 16th, 2017, 08:23 AM   15
Smiler82
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I know your child is only one but do you go to any playgroups or anything? Maybe you could invite a couple of the mums and babies from there?

My SIL missed DS1's first birthday because she couldn't leave her dogs...I was pretty insulted by that at the time (actually, still am now that I think about it!!) What I would say is I built up his first birthday to be this big thing (we also struggled a bit to conceive and had two miscarriages) but in the end it was probably a little more hassle than it was actually worth! I mean, it was nice to have the family together but it was too much for him. He was overwhelmed by the people all in the house at the same time, wasn't particularly interested in the presents (loved the wrapping paper though haha) and he couldn't nap properly so he ended up overtired, grumpy and then slept badly that night because of it! This was all on the Saturday before his birthday. On his actual birthday, DH took the day off and the three of us had a little day out. It was really lovely and far less stressful. I understand though, it does mean a lot to you as a parent. We have another child now and it's his birthday this weekend, and although we kind of have plans as the kids' birthdays are the same week, we're not doing anything specifically for him on his birthday iyswim. I feel a bit bad about it, but there's a million reasons why which I won't bore you with, so no point in me stressing over it.



 
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Old Aug 16th, 2017, 10:00 AM   16
KatO79
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smiler82 View Post
I know your child is only one but do you go to any playgroups or anything? Maybe you could invite a couple of the mums and babies from there?
Yep we're in a Mommy & Me Group. But I think it's odd to invite them, may be a cultural thing? i seriously doubt I'm invited to the birthdays they'll be having. I think here people tend to invite close family and maybe a few of their closest friends. Which is why we were going to only invite the immediate family.

I think what's also annoying me is that the little brother and his girlfriend don't take very much interest. It's been months and months since they've liked any pics or updates of him except for fairly recently. The girlfriend did like a video I put up of my son getting close to crawling. I guess I also fear that the girlfriend's brother will have priority every year, resulting in them never coming if the girlfriend's brother keeps choosing the same weekend DH and I do.



 
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Old Aug 16th, 2017, 14:53 PM   17
laura109
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Originally Posted by Smiler82 View Post
I know your child is only one but do you go to any playgroups or anything? Maybe you could invite a couple of the mums and babies from there?

My SIL missed DS1's first birthday because she couldn't leave her dogs...I was pretty insulted by that at the time (actually, still am now that I think about it!!) What I would say is I built up his first birthday to be this big thing (we also struggled a bit to conceive and had two miscarriages) but in the end it was probably a little more hassle than it was actually worth! I mean, it was nice to have the family together but it was too much for him. He was overwhelmed by the people all in the house at the same time, wasn't particularly interested in the presents (loved the wrapping paper though haha) and he couldn't nap properly so he ended up overtired, grumpy and then slept badly that night because of it! This was all on the Saturday before his birthday. On his actual birthday, DH took the day off and the three of us had a little day out. It was really lovely and far less stressful. I understand though, it does mean a lot to you as a parent. We have another child now and it's his birthday this weekend, and although we kind of have plans as the kids' birthdays are the same week, we're not doing anything specifically for him on his birthday iyswim. I feel a bit bad about it, but there's a million reasons why which I won't bore you with, so no point in me stressing over it.

Glad its not just me who got sold out for dogs lol x



 
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Old Aug 17th, 2017, 14:47 PM   18
minties
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I totally understand that feeling. We tried for 8 years before we had our first.

No one came to see Sophie for her birthday, and I think I spent half the day crying! My dad hasn't even met Sophie and Emma, and last he saw Thomas, was when he was 3 months old.

My mum only came to see Emma for her birthday because I nagged.



 
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Old Aug 17th, 2017, 14:56 PM   19
KatO79
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I totally understand that feeling. We tried for 8 years before we had our first.

No one came to see Sophie for her birthday, and I think I spent half the day crying! My dad hasn't even met Sophie and Emma, and last he saw Thomas, was when he was 3 months old.

My mum only came to see Emma for her birthday because I nagged.

Wow 8 years, must've been hard

I'm so sorry that no one came at all, that's really crappy that none of them could come. Any good excuses? So bad of your father, his lose! And I'm sorry your mother did that

I know my DH's little brother and girlfriend have reasonably good excuses but it's sad all the same I just fear that this'll be a pattern since my son was born so close to the girlfriend's brother's birthday I so want my son to have loving uncles on DH's side as my toxic siblings have all but checked out and I most likely will end up not having contact with them in the near future.



 
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