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Old Aug 12th, 2017, 10:21 AM   1
KatO79
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Upset and disappointed :(


I know this is probably silly but I can't help feeling this way.

Background: DH and I fought almost 2½ years to get pregnant with our 1st baby which included 1 year of trying naturally (very highly suspect I had a CP for my 7th cycle but didn't reach to test before I started bleeding), 6 failed medicated IUIs, 1 IVF that ended in a CP with the 2nd IVF resulting in our 10 month old son. My whole in-law family knows all this since we were very open about our struggle. We even prepared my DH's little brother that he may have had to drive me to the embie transfer for my 1st IVF since DH wasn't sure he could get those hours off.

Anyway, I was writing a text to my MIL and FIL plus my DH's little brother and his pregnant girlfriend who's due with their first baby start of January about if they had any empty tubes since my son loves to play with them and it's one of the only things he'll practice his crawling trying to get to. I then figured I'd mention that we would most likely be hosting his 1st birthday on Saturday the 7th of October (he's born on the 5th but that's a Thursday). I get a text from the girlfriend saying that she'd see if they have any tubes about to be empty but didn't think they had but would let me know. Then she said that neither her or my brother-in-law will be coming to my son's birthday as my brother-in-law will be on tour with his band (they recently got a record deal and put out their 2nd album) from end of September to October 17th and that weekend she'll be away for her brother's 30th birthday plus a Christening

I know life doesn't revolve around my son and he won't remember it but I will I just feel so sad and super disappointed neither of them will be coming, especially as it's his first birthday. I just feel like for us it was a huge thing he's here given we went through more than most to get pregnant and they won't be here to celebrate with us



 
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Old Aug 12th, 2017, 11:24 AM   2
red_head
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As you aren't celebrating on his birthday, could you move the party to when they are around? I'm sure they want to spend the day with you all, and are upset they can't make it, especially if they'd made the plans in advance.



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Old Aug 12th, 2017, 11:53 AM   3
KatO79
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Quote:
Originally Posted by red_head View Post
As you aren't celebrating on his birthday, could you move the party to when they are around? I'm sure they want to spend the day with you all, and are upset they can't make it, especially if they'd made the plans in advance.
That would mean either celebrating the weekend before September 30th (just checked when the tour starts) or wait until after October 17th. I really don't want to do either and had my heart set on it being as close to my son's actual birthday as possible

The girlfriend didn't seem very upset. She wrote at the end of her text "But I'm sure it'll go fine anyway"

It will be a poor showing if we only invite the close family as we were originally planning: DH's parents, his older brother (maybe with his 2 kids as I don't know if his ex-wife have them that weekend or not) and my toxic mother. We may end up inviting extended family now but it stinks



 
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Old Aug 12th, 2017, 12:38 PM   4
MindUtopia
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I don't think you can take it personally. They are grown ups with their own lives and they can't schedule things around you. My BIL and SIL didn't come to my daughter's birthday this year because my mum was already staying with us (she lives in another country and flew 11 hours to be there) and they didn't want to spend the money to get a hotel for the night. That's life. I don't take it personally. They have things going on. They sent a nice gift and we celebrated with them next time we saw them. Maybe just invite them around for sometime after his tour finished and have a little celebration with them then.



 
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Old Aug 12th, 2017, 12:46 PM   5
KatO79
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MindUtopia View Post
I don't think you can take it personally. They are grown ups with their own lives and they can't schedule things around you.

I know but I still can't help feeling a bit disappointed

I'm sure they were made in advance but was hoping to see at least one of them. They also tend to schedule things way in advance so it's nearly impossible to give enough notice. I did find the girlfriend's last remark a bit odd, like a 1st birthday doesn't mean much (don't know if her family just doesn't put much emphasis on them?). Well perhaps it means something to me, you know?



 
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Old Aug 12th, 2017, 13:07 PM   6
Mummafrog
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I understand you feel really sad and you were looking forward to it being how you had it set in your mind but if they already had plans that's just the way it is. It's a shame they're not being more apologetic though.
If it was me I would change things and do a family party the weekend before and then a super special day with you and hubby on the actual birthday this is what we did for my littles 3rd in June and it was very lovely, I actually loved having that day just the three of us x



 
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Old Aug 12th, 2017, 13:36 PM   7
maryanne1987
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Definitely don't take it personally. Sometimes things come up, people have plans, it doesn't mean that they don't want to spend time with you and your son on his special day. It just means they made other plans first. The other thing is if the message was sent by text it can be very easy to misinterpret a text as you can't see or hear the emotion behind it. Your sons birthday will still be special regardless of who or who doesn't come. We had no one at dd's 1st birthday, just me, DH and her older brother yet we had a fantastic day we won't forget.



 
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Old Aug 13th, 2017, 00:00 AM   8
Unlucky41
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Hi Kat!

Congrats on your healthy son and congrats for making the first year! I remember you as I cycled with you but failed but remembered your toxic mother. How has she been with your son?

Oh I am like you get very upset when your closest family members don't seem to care especially on dh side. But alot or people don't care too much about birthdays and so people like my brother in law and sister in law are just too busy with their lives to care.

At least they have really good reasons not to be there. You never know they must drop a present by later to show that they care.

It is depressing but don't let it get to you. Enjoy your precious baby and take heaps of photos. They grow up so quickly.



 
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Old Aug 13th, 2017, 04:53 AM   9
KatO79
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True that it'll be special regardless. It's just that at DH's older brother's kids' first birthdays, pretty much everyone came. I'll be making a book of my son's first year so he'll have pictures of the day and will see if not many came. I just hope no one else says they can't come since there's not much family to invite even if we take DH's extended family.

Unlucky thanks for that My mother has been pretty okay with him although she wasn't very interested last we saw her when I tried to tell her Alexander was up on all fours trying to crawl - she kept talking about herself and barely saw it My toxic siblings have been only interested in a very limited way as they're pissed I didn't tell them about my pregnancy even though they were unsupportive and uncaring during my infertility and silent treatment me for over 1 year shortly after I started my IUIs. My extra toxic brother was here in Denmark recently and only was interested in taking a couple of pics that didn't even make it to his Facebook page while pics of him with our eldest brother and my cousin and her family did. They were here for only 2-2½ hours before leaving again and I hadn't seen them for about 7 years before that visit

I do get that they have lives. I just hope they don't do this for his next birthday because then I'll probably flip over it Not sure they'll buy him anything if neither of them are coming. In DH's family if someone doesn't come to the birthday party then there's a 98% chance of them not buying a gift. Think they also have even less money than we do so probably are trying to save up as much they can to buy stuff for their baby.

Already taking lots and lots of pics so don't think I need to be taking more Think DH feels I could do with taking a bit fewer



 
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Old Aug 13th, 2017, 05:05 AM   10
WackyMumof2
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If it makes you feel better, my mother couldn't be there for DS2's first birthday. She did make it for DS1 but she was living closer. My brother has NEVER bothered with his nephews because he's got a problem with me and a lot of people we would love to come to birthdays of any age, just can't make it. Don't take it too personally. But as a thought, have his first birthday with your family who can't be there for the big day - even if it's just a little get together. Don't cancel plans especially if you have had a lot of people RSVP. One day he will ask why he had 2 parties when he's older and you can tell him he had a lot of special people that couldn't make it for his actual birthday so you took that special day to them a week or 2 earlier. He won't mind I wouldn't imagine. And if anything, it would probably give him bragging rights when he ends up with younger siblings (if you have more) because 'he had 2 parties and they didn't'.



 
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