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Old Nov 2nd, 2017, 11:22 AM   1
Mabv812
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Don't know what I'm doing and losing my mind to anxiety


I can't seem to get over my anxiety with my newborn. She's 4 weeks today. I'm not even a first time mom, but i don't remember being this anxious 4 years ago with my first. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong and that I can't read her cues. I recently discovered she only gained 1.5 oz this week. Compared to 10 oz last wk and over a pound the wk before that. She has had a cold for about 5 days. But this has made my anxiety worse and now I'm second guessing everything from sleep to using a pacifier. This morning I had a break down because she shouuld have been hungry, would take the breast for a few seconds and then fight off it. Finally I gave up cause she looked sleepy. Then gave up trying to get her to sleep in her bassinet cause sometimes she will oknly sleep in her rock n play. Now she asleep, been over 3 hrs since the last feed and it's causing me anxiety. I shouldn't feel this way , I know it, and it's driving me crazy. It doesn't help that her brother was 12 pounds by 4 weeks and that's all I have to compare to. Sorry that this was long and kinda useless post. :/



 
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Old Nov 3rd, 2017, 07:23 AM   2
_Meep_
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I had this problem after my second was born (she is now 5 months). Her feeding cues were and are crap, non-existent almost, and she didn't seem to want to feed as often as everyone else's babies (I have severe oversupply and overactive let downs, so she never ever comfort nurses). I had a total breakdown over it when she was about 4 weeks old. I was just so upset that I couldn't read her or work out what she wanted, and so depressed that I was having these problems all over again (had similar issues with my first, but thought lightning wouldn't strike twice!). I couldn't eat anything, couldn't stop crying, and had such severe anxiety whenever I put her to the breast that the few times I got it right and she was actually hungry, I was so worked up that I couldn't have a let down for her, leading to her going insane with fury and let downs taking 15 minutes+ to achieve (I usually have one within about 15 seconds lol). I also said exactly the same as you - I don't know what I am doing - over and over again to my OH and mum and anyone who would listen. The lack of control over what was going on was horrific.

For me, there was no quick fix. I just tried to feed her as much as I could when she was drowsy and relaxed, as she did so much better then. She was such an agitated, jittery little newborn when she was awake and alert. I ditched the idea that newborns want to feed all the time, as for my non-comfort-nursing baby that clearly wasn't the case. I stopped trying to feed her every time she cried as it was making me miserable. I also stopped getting her weighed and tried to just count wet nappies and judge her health by how she seemed in herself. Eventually, we found our groove and although she still has zero feeding cues and still hates my boobs unless she is starving, I'm confident she's ok and will not let herself go hungry. I'm still a terrible clock-watcher and always will be, but I no longer feel like I am going to have a panic attack if four hours have passed and she's not desperately hungry. And she was like this from very early on, it's not something that has come with age. Almost from the beginning, she would go 4-5 hours without wanting anything to do with the breast.

Give yourself a break and don't worry too much. Your baby has been ill - that's the most likely explanation for her small weight gain recently. She will make it up. They are so good at regulating their needs, even if it doesn't fit with what we think they should be doing or help our anxiety in any way. Sadly, they don't operate like clockwork, although it would be so much better if they did!

Anyway, I know it's impossible feeling how you are right now, as I've been there, and the crashing hormones and full boobs make you feel completely insane. It sucks sucks sucks. But I promise, in a few months or less, things will be completely different and you'll have moved onto something else. For us, it's now teething! Booooo.

Hang in there. You're doing a good job, even though you maybe can't see that right now.



 
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Old Nov 3rd, 2017, 10:57 AM   3
Mabv812
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Originally Posted by _Meep_ View Post
I had this problem after my second was born (she is now 5 months). Her feeding cues were and are crap, non-existent almost, and she didn't seem to want to feed as often as everyone else's babies (I have severe oversupply and overactive let downs, so she never ever comfort nurses). I had a total breakdown over it when she was about 4 weeks old. I was just so upset that I couldn't read her or work out what she wanted, and so depressed that I was having these problems all over again (had similar issues with my first, but thought lightning wouldn't strike twice!). I couldn't eat anything, couldn't stop crying, and had such severe anxiety whenever I put her to the breast that the few times I got it right and she was actually hungry, I was so worked up that I couldn't have a let down for her, leading to her going insane with fury and let downs taking 15 minutes+ to achieve (I usually have one within about 15 seconds lol). I also said exactly the same as you - I don't know what I am doing - over and over again to my OH and mum and anyone who would listen. The lack of control over what was going on was horrific.

For me, there was no quick fix. I just tried to feed her as much as I could when she was drowsy and relaxed, as she did so much better then. She was such an agitated, jittery little newborn when she was awake and alert. I ditched the idea that newborns want to feed all the time, as for my non-comfort-nursing baby that clearly wasn't the case. I stopped trying to feed her every time she cried as it was making me miserable. I also stopped getting her weighed and tried to just count wet nappies and judge her health by how she seemed in herself. Eventually, we found our groove and although she still has zero feeding cues and still hates my boobs unless she is starving, I'm confident she's ok and will not let herself go hungry. I'm still a terrible clock-watcher and always will be, but I no longer feel like I am going to have a panic attack if four hours have passed and she's not desperately hungry. And she was like this from very early on, it's not something that has come with age. Almost from the beginning, she would go 4-5 hours without wanting anything to do with the breast.

Give yourself a break and don't worry too much. Your baby has been ill - that's the most likely explanation for her small weight gain recently. She will make it up. They are so good at regulating their needs, even if it doesn't fit with what we think they should be doing or help our anxiety in any way. Sadly, they don't operate like clockwork, although it would be so much better if they did!

Anyway, I know it's impossible feeling how you are right now, as I've been there, and the crashing hormones and full boobs make you feel completely insane. It sucks sucks sucks. But I promise, in a few months or less, things will be completely different and you'll have moved onto something else. For us, it's now teething! Booooo.

Hang in there. You're doing a good job, even though you maybe can't see that right now.
Thanks. I hate not knowing what I'm doing. I'm so type a and it's bad. Like what happened yesterday?! Slept all day, then fought sleep from 5 pm till 12. Was completely awake from 930 to 12. Nothing we did put her to sleep. Maybe I thought she would be hungry, but she was fighting the breast. Finally got her to sleep in the rock n play and she slept till 530am. What the heck!?!?



 
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Old Nov 3rd, 2017, 11:11 AM   4
_Meep_
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Do you have a lot of milk or milk that tends to fire out of your boobs like a hose? Lol. This has definitely been a problem for mine. She was so over tired all the time as a little baby as she just could not soothe herself at the breast and wouldn't take any sort of soother, or even suck my finger. At times I'd have to let her suck my boob but squeeze it right by her mouth, so hard it hurt, to avoid any milk coming out or she would just go crazy. It's funny now, but looking back, that was one of the saddest and most frustrating times of my life. She screamed constantly for her first 5 weeks and struggled to get to sleep for hours up until recently. Now she can suck her own thumb it is so so much better. She happily drifts off on my shoulder 9 times out of 10. Once you work out what works for your baby, which took me a good couple of months, it will get better.



 
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Old Nov 3rd, 2017, 16:53 PM   5
Mabv812
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Originally Posted by _Meep_ View Post
Do you have a lot of milk or milk that tends to fire out of your boobs like a hose? Lol. This has definitely been a problem for mine. She was so over tired all the time as a little baby as she just could not soothe herself at the breast and wouldn't take any sort of soother, or even suck my finger. At times I'd have to let her suck my boob but squeeze it right by her mouth, so hard it hurt, to avoid any milk coming out or she would just go crazy. It's funny now, but looking back, that was one of the saddest and most frustrating times of my life. She screamed constantly for her first 5 weeks and struggled to get to sleep for hours up until recently. Now she can suck her own thumb it is so so much better. She happily drifts off on my shoulder 9 times out of 10. Once you work out what works for your baby, which took me a good couple of months, it will get better.
I don't thinkibgsve any aggressive let down, but who knows. She likes the pacifier. But my anxiety kicks in and I worry we use it too much. Maybe I need to stop reading what I should be doing based on articles or my other child, and just focus on what worries for her.



 
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Old Nov 4th, 2017, 15:52 PM   6
MEPride
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Anxiety postpartum is something that is very much overlooked and not talked about. But it can be as big a problem as post partum depression. Honestly, if your anxiety is interfering as much as it sounds, perhaps you should consider speaking with your midwife or doctor about it. Some anxiety is normal. Just like baby blues is normal. But a lot of anxiety is not something you have to live with.



 
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Old Nov 6th, 2017, 11:36 AM   7
noon_child
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Anxiety postpartum is something that is very much overlooked and not talked about. But it can be as big a problem as post partum depression. Honestly, if your anxiety is interfering as much as it sounds, perhaps you should consider speaking with your midwife or doctor about it. Some anxiety is normal. Just like baby blues is normal. But a lot of anxiety is not something you have to live with.
I agree, it sounds like this may not be about her weight, or her feeding but more about your anxiety latching on to anything and everything (especially as you notice a difference between this and your feelings with your older child). You could easily get the weight gain sorted and start feeling just as anxious about her eye contact or her muscle development etc.etc. Anxiety over a long period can lead to depression so it's better tackled earlier.



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