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Old Jan 14th, 2018, 17:52 PM   1
KatBar
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Letting second born (or consecutive) babies cry...


For the second time mums (or third plus), did you find you had to let your newborn/baby cry a lot more?

I've had my 2 week old awake from roughly 8:30am. His had a good feed, brought up lots of burps, pooped, farted etc, but won't settle back to sleep again. I've rocked him, put him in the swing for a bit, done tummy time, rocked him in his pram etc etc, bit nothing is working and his fussying on and off. It's now 10:50am, so his been awake almost 2.5 hours and I have to start thinking about making my toddler lunch before he has his nap at midday.

Basically I just have to put my newborn down and let him cry (even if I hold him, he fusses, so I sling or carrier is useless).

Is this just part of the deal when having more than one child?!



 
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Old Jan 14th, 2018, 18:35 PM   2
Zephram
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Yes, it is. Itís the reality of having more than one kid - you canít attend to all of their needs and wants immediately. Your toddler needs you too, you need to feed him lunch, therefore your newborn may need to cry while you do it.

I felt so much mummy guilt about this when I had my second, I think it contributed to my PND. It doesnít stop when theyíre older either. Mine are 5 and 2.5 now and it remains that if they both get het up about something at the same time then you have to pick one to attend to before the other. If one is more urgent they go first, but otherwise itís turn about to wait to get their problem fixed up. Itís a fat of life if you have siblings - some of the time you have to wait.

So whilst you may feel guilty hearing your newborn cry, your toddlerís need to eat lunch is legitimate and just as important as a fussy newborn. So try not to feel bad about it.

I mitigated this as much as possible in newborn days by wearing my DS2 as it did work to calm him down , but if your baby has been fed, changed, hugged all morning and is dry and warm, then he is going to come to absolutely no harm whatsoever if you set him down for a few minutes to make sure your toddler eats, even if he cries the whole time.

It does get easier - hang in there!



 
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Old Jan 14th, 2018, 18:37 PM   3
Zephram
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Also want to add that Iím about to have my third, so Iím anticipating a total shit show where we have moments of all 3 crying at once/needing something st the same time. Itís fun being a Mum.

Itís really so much easier first time around when you can give 100% of your attention to your first born - itís something you donít know you should treasure and appreciate at the time!



 
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Old Jan 14th, 2018, 19:47 PM   4
KatBar
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Thanks Zephram! It's encouraging to hear that it's just how it has to be, and everyone experiences this once they have more than one child.
You're definitely right, its better to just get the toddler what they need, and then attend to the baby after. I will just have to steel myself against hearing my youngest cry - it's definitely hard, spesh as they're so tiny, but like you say, if they have to cry for a short period, it's not going to cause them any great harm.

Congrats on expecting your third!! I can only imagine how it'll be with 3 hehe, but hopefully it'll be smoother third time round (you can hope right ).



 
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Old Jan 14th, 2018, 22:11 PM   5
wish4baby
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YEP! Makes them tougher just kidding (a little)
I was just talking to my husband about this - if i have 3 crying kids, i can instantly prioritize and decide who needs me most...it’s like a Mom superpower anyways, I attend to the most serious one while the other(s) just have to wait - i do try to talk soothingly to them, sometimes it helps, sometimes they continue to cry...can’t be helped!

Thankfully that’s a rare occurrence, but a few weeks ago we had a virus going through the family and it was a nightmare! There was just so much crying....

My woven wrap is a lifesaver! My youngest is usually in there and that keeps the crying to a minimum. Even if he is crying in there, and I can’t attend to him right away, i feel better about it than just setting him down to cry

sometimes i wear my infant on the front in the wrap and toddler (15 months) in the lillebaby on my back, then I have 2 hands for my 3 y/o ...it’s a sight, I’m sure, but it has saved my sanity more than once LOL



 
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Old Jan 15th, 2018, 12:59 PM   6
noon_child
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I think this so highlights where our Western culture is out of whack. I wish there was a team of aunties and grannies round looking after your toddler so you could be with baby. Your baby has no idea why you are leaving him but you've been placed in the unenviable position of having to chose between the needs of two beings who both need you! I feel for you *hugs*. Do you have anyone who could help by preparing some meals for your toddler in advance that you could just heat up, or making a sandwich plate. In fact if someone was able to do that, they could do it for you too!! While it maybe what has to happen sometimes, I am not keen on us all accepting this is normal and OK. We need to start asking others for help and support (those of us lucky enough to have some) in the early weeks and demanding that our partners who share equal responsibility in deciding to have this child also share equal responsibility in taking care of that child - and in the early weeks that means taking care of you, taking on extra responsibility with older kids and doing more domestic work. Sorry I know that doesn't help you much, rant over!



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Old Jan 15th, 2018, 17:38 PM   7
Zephram
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Quote:
Originally Posted by noon_child View Post
I think this so highlights where our Western culture is out of whack. I wish there was a team of aunties and grannies round looking after your toddler so you could be with baby. Your baby has no idea why you are leaving him but you've been placed in the unenviable position of having to chose between the needs of two beings who both need you! I feel for you *hugs*. Do you have anyone who could help by preparing some meals for your toddler in advance that you could just heat up, or making a sandwich plate. In fact if someone was able to do that, they could do it for you too!! While it maybe what has to happen sometimes, I am not keen on us all accepting this is normal and OK. We need to start asking others for help and support (those of us lucky enough to have some) in the early weeks and demanding that our partners who share equal responsibility in deciding to have this child also share equal responsibility in taking care of that child - and in the early weeks that means taking care of you, taking on extra responsibility with older kids and doing more domestic work. Sorry I know that doesn't help you much, rant over!
I completely agree with you - if only we all had more help!! My OH will be back at work after two weeks and my mum will only be over a few times a week, so much of the time it will just be me and my 3 kids when the new baby comes. Since we no longer live in multigenerational houses, this is really our lot, unless youíre rich enough to afford a nanny.

That said - for the benefit of the OP, it really will not do a baby any harm if they cry for a few minutes while you attend to your older children. It really wonít. I say this as someone who has practiced attachment parenting and cosleeping, clearly I donít believe in letting babies cry, but when you have more than one it is an inevitability that at some point one or more of your children will have to wait (which sometimes means crying), while you attend to the needs of the other children. I think we need to make this point very strongly as the other thing we donít need in our western society is any more reasons for mums to feel any guilt over their parenting.

I also firmly believe that it is part and parcel of having a sibling - you donít always get to come first. Sometimes you have to wait and take your turn and I honestly believe this is character building as you grow up. Itís hard when itís a newborn, but itís the situation mums of more than one find themselves in and itís not going to adversely affect the newborn if youíve already taken care of all of their needs. Older siblings needs are a legitimate reason for putting down your baby - even if they cry. You are after all, still Mum to your older kids and they still need you too, just as much as they did before the new baby was born. You just have to get used to managing needs when you have more than one!

Sorry if I come in strongly about this, but like I said in my first post, the guilt of having to do this for a minute or two at a time absolutely contributed to my PND last time around and Iím absolutely determined that other women know itís okay and your kids will be fine!



 
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Old Jan 15th, 2018, 20:38 PM   8
KatBar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by noon_child View Post
I think this so highlights where our Western culture is out of whack. I wish there was a team of aunties and grannies round looking after your toddler so you could be with baby. Your baby has no idea why you are leaving him but you've been placed in the unenviable position of having to chose between the needs of two beings who both need you! I feel for you *hugs*. Do you have anyone who could help by preparing some meals for your toddler in advance that you could just heat up, or making a sandwich plate. In fact if someone was able to do that, they could do it for you too!! While it maybe what has to happen sometimes, I am not keen on us all accepting this is normal and OK. We need to start asking others for help and support (those of us lucky enough to have some) in the early weeks and demanding that our partners who share equal responsibility in deciding to have this child also share equal responsibility in taking care of that child - and in the early weeks that means taking care of you, taking on extra responsibility with older kids and doing more domestic work. Sorry I know that doesn't help you much, rant over!
I totally agree and was actually talking to my dad about this only a week or so ago. In the very distant past, women did have the support around them (from parents/grandparents etc) when having babies, but these days weíve set ourselves up to do it all on our own. I know so many women who have gone back to work early even, because they feel so isolated and lonely just being at home looking after the little ones.
I am actually fortunate enough to have my in-laws very close by, and get along with them very well, so they are a great support - especially with my toddler. But even then, they canít be here every second of the day, so you still get those frustrating times where youíre doing it all on your own.

Definitely appreciate where youíre coming from for sure!



 
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Old Jan 16th, 2018, 01:17 AM   9
noon_child
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zephram View Post
I donít believe in letting babies cry, but when you have more than one it is an inevitability that at some point one or more of your children will have to wait (which sometimes means crying)... I think we need to make this point very strongly as the other thing we donít need in our western society is any more reasons for mums to feel any guilt over their parenting.
Absolutely...I mean my baby cried so much - when I held her, when I didn't hold her, in the pram, the sling. A baby crying because you can't meet their need immediately (or don't know what it is in my case) as you have to go to the toilet or look after another child is very different to "letting" a baby cry as a deliberate strategy.

Mum guilt is another symptom of how systems and cultures let women down and then blame them for it!



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Old Jan 16th, 2018, 03:09 AM   10
Teri7489
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Yip! But to be honest, if it wasn't my newborn it was my toddler crying. Didn't harm either of them and taught both to be quite patient kids. Granted it would be nice to have someone to entertain them while you go do other things but they do have to learn at times they have to be a little independent and be on their own



 
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