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Old Jun 1st, 2010, 16:04 PM   1
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She's been through a lot, but she's not the only person in the universe


My mum flew over when Chloe was 5 days old, and was going to stay 9 days. That was a month ago, and she's still here. To be fair I can't blame her because she almost died and ended up staying in hospital for almost 4 weeks. So I was having to deal with a lot of things all at once (being abroad and being away from family and friends during the most stressful time of my life, having a newborn to look after, and having my mum collapse), and TBH I wasn't coping.

Chloe has had to take a back seat all of her life, because I've been going to see my mum in hospital, running errands for her, sorting out things for her back in the UK, etc. I didn't have time to spend with her, breastfeed her as I should have done, so I lost my milk, and I got stressed out. I will never get these 5 weeks back and Chloe has already changed so much; and I have hardly been around to see it.

All of the time my mum has been bitching about how bad the hospital food is, how the nurses don't speak English, how it's too hot, how she doesn't have a TV in her room, etc. I try to fix it, by offering to cook food and bring it for her, but she declines, and the next day she bitches about it again. I know she's gone through a lot, but we've been bending over backwards to help, and it seems nothing is good enough. Frankly i'd rather be home with my daughter who complains for more important things, like where the hell my breast is

She was discharged this morning, and suddenly she's telling me how to parent my child

We give Chloe camomile tea, and she says it should be kept in the fridge and heated when needed. If I heat it I can only feed her it once before I have to chuck it, and everyone here gives their babies camomile and they don't keep it cool, so why should I? Obviously it doesn't hurt; it's still made from boiling water, and after one sip the teat has her mouth bacteria on it anyway.

Then it's "I think she's tired; let's put her in the moses basket (in the bedroom)". I reply saying I want her with me in the lounge, because having spent so much time away from her in the last month, I want her near me. She puts her in the bedroom anyway. And she's not tired because she's hungry, so she cries. My mum sees me getting up to fetch her, and it's "let her cry" - I don't want to let her bloody cry. She's hungry, so she's going to get hungrier and cry more until I feed her.

I feed her, and she's still refusing to sleep, so my mum suggests giving her a bath. I should tell you that I wanted to bathe her 3 hours before, but my mum wanted to hold her, so I waited, and then the chaos with the moses basket ensued. I tell her I wanted to bathe her 3 hours ago, and I'm not doing it now, and suddenly I'm being awkward.

Later on Chloe's lying happily on my lap, and my mum picks her up and takes her from me, jiggling her around. Then suddenly complains because she wants to surf the internet. I don't reply, because she chose to take her from me; I was enjoying my time with Chloe. Then she moans again, and in the end I take Chloe back, but by this point she's crying

If it's not silly things like this, it's comments about how dirty our home is. That's because I'm seeing you, or doing things for you, or looking after a crying baby, or trying to scoff some food down, or trying to shower myself, or taking Chloe to appointments. Honestly, cleaning is right at the bottom of my list right now. Perhaps you could help me if you're so worried.

And she had the audacity to ask me to make her dinner earlier. Uh, f*ck off. You have legs, don't you?

I love my mum, and sorry to those that don't have their mums, but mine acts like a child sometimes. And this last month has been doing my head in, because I've been focusing all my energy on her, and not on my daughter, and now I feel so bad for not having spent time with Chloe; time I can never get back. I feel guilty for not spending time with my daughter, and I feel guilty for being angry at my mum, and I feel guilty for wanting her to go home now she's better, but OMG, I cannot handle any more time with her

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Old Jun 1st, 2010, 16:15 PM   2
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Old Jun 1st, 2010, 16:20 PM   3
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I wouldn't wish all of that on anyone and sorry you've had to go through it and are still dealing with it. I can't imagine how hard it's been, especially being kept from Chloe so much.

When is your mum expected to go home now?

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Old Jun 1st, 2010, 16:24 PM   4
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I am sorry, it sounds like hell - in fact it sounds like something you couldn't make up. Maybe next time your mom wants to surf the internet you could leave it on flight timetables? Or if your mom is sticking around for a while, maybe book you and chloe a flight and take refuge in her house whilst she is still in yours ? Its terrible that your mom has been poorly but it sure sounds like she is back on her feet again. I remember your earlier post so I know you have been having a rough time of it lately. It will get better and one day you will be laughing about this.

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Old Jun 1st, 2010, 16:26 PM   5
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Sometimes it's better to say "no" than to feel resentful. Like .. you're actually doing the other person a favor -- cause most of the time, they'd rather have you cheerfully decline a favor than have you not like them. Most of the time.

Maybe the best thing to do would be to stop doing any favors for her -- just concentrate on the baby. But try to make yourself feel more happy toward her at the same time. Like, "Can I cook for you? Oh, I'm sorry, mum. A baby is a full-time job. But you know what would be fun? Why don't you order us some Chinese food! Maybe you can hold the baby while we eat, and tell me the story of when you had your first kid ... I've always wanted to hear that story." Just a thought!

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Old Jun 1st, 2010, 16:30 PM   6
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oh god! I think I would have really flipped out by now. You've done so well to stay so calm

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Old Jun 1st, 2010, 22:40 PM   7
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Oh hon
She sounds like my mum!
Your doing so well biting your tongue and just absorbing it all without making a fuss and letting it escalate.
I wish I was that patient with mine, I really struggle not to reply to her comments and snakey observations ... I keep remembering I have to be the adult one and not sink to snaking back at her when she pushes to far.

You will have space soon, and wonderful time with your beautiful little girl.

And in the meantime if it gets really bad, perhaps just sit you mum down and tell her you need space and positivity, if shes not going to offer that then perhaps she could keep herself to herself?

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Old Jun 2nd, 2010, 01:05 AM   8
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Sounds like u have 2 babies to look after, why not turn the tables and suggest your mum help with a routine? She might then be easier to control her interaction with baby?

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Old Jun 2nd, 2010, 05:44 AM   9
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firstly please do not feel guilty, you have put everybody before yourself which is a very selfless thing to do, chloe will know no different as she is so tiny so don't look back at the time you've not spent with her look forward to all the amazing times that are yet to come as you and your baby get to know one another!

As for your mum it's great news that she's better now and that's a big weight off your shoulders but I really think you need to sit and explain how you feel to her about missing out on time with chloe and how you want to try and get things in order now aswell as enjoying spending quality time with her and if the housework suffers so be it, maybe she doesn't realise the effect her actions are having. If you don't approach it you may bottle it all up and explode which may lead to a fall out which i'm sure you don't want. Could your oh not speak to your mum about it if you don't feel comfortable doing so? x

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Old Jun 2nd, 2010, 06:09 AM   10
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sooo sorry hun

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lot , person , universe

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