U need to speak to a doctor sweetheart.u are NOT a bad mother and wife,u r a mother and wife who is suffering from pnd and no one will understand what u r going through unless they have been there themselves.once u speak to a dr (who may want to put u on some tablets to help u feel more like urself again) then u will feel much much better.you have not let anyone down and the moment u r feeling better u will see that.pnd can ruin lives for good if it is not treated so please please please just go have a talk to ur gp. hun xx

So, I spoke to them.
The thing is, I've been on medication before and multiple kinds, it never seems to work, ever.

I spoke to my husband, and he told me maybe I need to go to my dads for a week or so and clear my head and think about what we really need to do.
How can he even suggest that? As frustrated I am, and sad I am, how could I go over 45 minutes away from my son? What if he didn't have his favorite fleecy blankey, or his nighttime seahorse? or what if Doug didn't make his bedtime bottle the right way or what if he got sick or just plain wanted to snuggle with his mommy? It's so hard to even think of taking a "vacation" knowing I would be farther away than 5 minutes from him.

I don't know whats going on.. its just WHY is this happening to me?
I'm the "kid" girl, I love kids, I always wanted 5 kids, and I love Ryland so so so so so much, and I would really die for him, and I mean that with my whole heart. But how can I possibly feel this bad? I just don't understand it, and no one seems to have an answer for me that I like.

I always hear "it will pass" and "it will get better" and trust me I know, I really do whole heartedly, but I want a better answer, and I know that that's the best answer there is to give, but I want MORE. and I think that's a big part of it, is I want more than there is to offer.

Thank you all for the support and kind words. It's nice to have friends that don't judge or think it's all an "act"
..YEP, someone said that to me today.. "you're over exaggerating and only want to be by yourself and not take care of your kid"..

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, the thought of suicide is what I do for fun, I guess?!
fucking morons.


xxxx

I wish I could give you the answer for it all my dear.. I really do. I think if you took a little break from it all for a few days, maybe a weekend, you would have a much better out look on everything.. I know for myself when I get an hour or two alone I feel so much better and like I can be a better mommy. This shit just happens, it sucks, and its bullshit that it happens to good women like yourself. It's impossible for anyone to tell you exactly why your having these feelings and to completely comfort you about them.. but you need to know that so many other women are going through the same exact thing every day, but your smart enough to go and do something about it. It's gonna be rough and a daily struggle but your gonna get through this

OH and who ever the fuck said you were putting on an act so you could get out of taking care of Ryland.. send them over my way.. I'll act my foot up their ass.

no joke.. they do drugs all day and I believe they were just in the police blotter the other day for drugs.. so honestly, I just brushed that off.