Ugh. I feel so sad I have the most beautiful little boy and I love him so much now but I am completely overcome with guilt at how I was during pregnancy and for the first couple of months. I had/have pnd which actually began during preg, I think due to severe sickness up to 32 weeks. I said some truly awful things, like he was a parasite and I didn't want him I gave up combi feeding and now bf only, which is exhausting but I feel I owe it to him for being so shit. My partner feels pushed out now and everything has to be done my way or I lose it. How do I get over these feelings? I've been on sertraline since he was five weeks old and I thought they were working... It's like I'm overcompensating for the way I was and even with my psychologist, the feelings remain. The little music mix my partner made reminds me how I felt at the time and I love it and hate it in equal amounts. It helps him sleep but its almost like my pregnancy and birth didn't actually happen to me, if that makes sense. I feel like I want to go back to hospital and do it again so it feels real what is wrong with me? I have to go back to work in 3 months and I feel like ive failed him and wasted my time off with him. What if he remembers me saying those things or shouting....it breaks my heart

It's so sad reading this. You obviously care so much about your baby or you wouldn't feel so devastated. I know it's hard to accept, but sometimes the only thing to do is get support and have faith that you will feel better. Be patient with yourself. You can't rush a proper recovery. Drink lots of water, do some mild exercise and try and try to take a small amount of time out each day. Read a book, meditate, anything that will take you out of yourself even it's just for a short while.

You haven't failed him. You're doing an amazing job still breastfeeding. As someone who also had Pnd and just couldn't hack bf, you have my ultimate respect. And check out your ticker weight loss! You're amazing!

He won't remember these early days and in a while all the bad feeling and guilt will be a distant memory for you too.

Bless your heart! You are my new best friend. I am going through the same thing. Lucas is 4 and a half months old. My doctor put me on Pristiq back in January, a month later I came back, still depressed, she added Deplin to my meds with is an iron pill but she said when you combine it with the pristiq (antidepressant) it maximizes the effect of it. I came back a month later, and I felt like I was starting to feel better, and then recently I feel like i've hit rock bottom again. Some days I'm okay, especially if I am around people. If I'm alone...not really, unless I am keeping myself super busy with cleaning while baby is napping. I had a breakdown in the car the other day with my husband. I couldn't remember Lucas crying when he was born. He ended up having a bowel movement while I was having him (so it was kind of stressful delivery), and when they brought him out, they laid him on my chest, and I didn't feel anything...I just looked at him but there was no emotion it seemed. I don't remember him crying and I feel like that is one thing a mother doesn't forget... so I feel like a horrible mother because of that and on top of many things. I'm also terrified that Lucas will remember me shouting and constantly screaming and crying. I don't want him to remember those things.

I understand how you feel. I'm thinking about going to see a counselor, and probably back to my doctor. I feel like I need major help as I feel like the PPD has gotten worse to the point of I can't stand myself. Feel free to PM me.