Why do I feel guilty when he didn't want her?

Emma247 · Apr 14th, 2012, 02:18 AM

To cut a long story short
I got pregnant to a Kurdish man, at 6 weeks we found out and he threw me out, made up some stupid contract so I didn't claim money off him, tried to get me to have an abortion n didn't want too know.

I met Paul at 14weeks and he's been there since, he's amazing n loves Megan...you wouldn't think she wasn't his! So we're all playing happy families and when Megan was 12 weeks old (2 weeks ago) the ex sends an email "hope Megan is happy" first I'm like how does ge know and also 12 weeks later!

Now he wants too see a pic? He's asked to see her but I think it's more curiosity then wanting to be involved. But I feel bad? I don't think I can bring myself round to sending a pic but then I want him too see how beautiful she is! I don't want him to be involved but I feel bad it's his n he hasn't seen her.

He's not a nice man at all, was really horrible to me.
Cheated, lied, STI's 3 times the list goes on...

So why do I feel bad?

mummytori · Apr 14th, 2012, 02:23 AM

Sounds like a can of worms that really doesn't want opening tbh. Is his name on the birth cert? He definately doesn't sound like the type of character you want drifting in and out of your daughter's life, not to mention the trouble it could possibly cause between you and your oh if you let him back on the scene after oh has been the one who was there for you and Lo thru pregnancy and birth etc

happysaurus · Apr 14th, 2012, 02:38 AM

Personally, I'd change all my contact info so he couldn't get involved. From what I've read in here, not nice men have a habit of trying to control women through the babies. You don't need that. As to why you feel bad, you're a nice person and creeps have a habit of manipulating nice people. A father, imho, is more than the sperm donor and sometimes it isn't in the baby's interests for him to be involved. However, if he pushes it and/or you decide to allow him to be involved then sort out child benefit. No matter what he made you sign, you're entitled to it and he will be pursued for it. And it sets a very clear line that he can't manipulate you - if he wants to be involved then he pays to support Megan.

Emma247 · Apr 14th, 2012, 02:44 AM

Totally agree ladies! Thanks!
I didn't sign it- it wasn't even legal his friend typed it haha!
And his name isn't on the birth certificate even the midwives told me not too!
He won't be bothered I think he probs just wondering what she looks like.

He was controlling without a baby, no way will I let him be involved in her life. He even threatened to take baby to turkey for his parents when I was pregnant so he would never be left alone with her ever!!

I just watch TV about biological parents and worry she's gonna hate me for not letting him be involved x

My_First · Apr 14th, 2012, 03:06 AM

I am going to go against the grain here but he is the babies father and nothing will ever change that. Whatever an arse hole he is he still is blood to your lo. I am not necessarily saying grant him access or visiting rights but he may have decided to come to terms with a baby and wants to be involved. Give him a chance to mess it up then you can look your daughter in the eye and say you did all you could for him to be a daddy.

Edited to say he will not be able to take her out the country without a passport or birth certificate.

purapura · Apr 14th, 2012, 03:06 AM

You don't want your child around him! Just change all contact details! Does he know where u live?

Munchkin30 · Apr 14th, 2012, 03:16 AM

Hey there
I think the advice here is pretty good but at some point I think you'll have to let LO know who her father is so she can make her own decision so you probably need to keep in contact so u know where he is. Sadly I'd also be inclined to send a pic to show him what he's chosen to miss out on (prob not the 'right' thing to do thoigh) just pleased your not still with him...

X

Emma247 · Apr 14th, 2012, 04:27 AM

Thanks ladies!
No he doesn't know where I live anymore but knows we're my parents are! If he felt that passionate about seeing her I lived there for the first 8 weeks! He could have turned up!

I've been writing a baby diary, it explains everything from being pregnant up to know. I want to be honest with her n will tell her that someone else made her but Paul's her daddy.

I don't want her to have any reason to hate me! Hopefully she will understand x

Kaede351 · Apr 14th, 2012, 05:08 AM

I probably wouldn't have anything to do with him... He doesn't sound like a nice person and your baby girl doesn't need all that trouble in her life. however, have you spoken to your boyfriend about all this? Just explain honestly how you feel to him. Let him know you love him dearly and how much you appreciate what he has done for you and how he has stuck by you but that you're scared about your little growing up and finding all this out and taking it bad. I think he should know that your ex has been in contact at least (if he doesn't already), because if he finds out and you haven't told him it could cause trouble between you both.

XxX

larudy13 · Apr 14th, 2012, 06:28 AM

just putting my opinion, you might want to let her know him or she might go looking for him when shes older. and maybe he will financially help you once he sees his baby? some men just freak out when they find out their going to be a father cause its a new shock to them you know? it wasnt right what he did, but maybe he will apologize? i might be totally out in left field here, but like someone else said he is the father and you really dont want him to start researching into "fathers rights" with a good enough lawyer there would be a small chance a judge would ORDER you to let him have her or visit with her.
good luck I hope you figure your situation out!

Apr 14th, 2012, 02:18 AM	#1
Emma247 Pregnant (Expecting) Active BnB Member Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 391	Why do I feel guilty when he didn't want her? To cut a long story short I got pregnant to a Kurdish man, at 6 weeks we found out and he threw me out, made up some stupid contract so I didn't claim money off him, tried to get me to have an abortion n didn't want too know. I met Paul at 14weeks and he's been there since, he's amazing n loves Megan...you wouldn't think she wasn't his! So we're all playing happy families and when Megan was 12 weeks old (2 weeks ago) the ex sends an email "hope Megan is happy" first I'm like how does ge know and also 12 weeks later! Now he wants too see a pic? He's asked to see her but I think it's more curiosity then wanting to be involved. But I feel bad? I don't think I can bring myself round to sending a pic but then I want him too see how beautiful she is! I don't want him to be involved but I feel bad it's his n he hasn't seen her. He's not a nice man at all, was really horrible to me. Cheated, lied, STI's 3 times the list goes on... So why do I feel bad?

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Apr 14th, 2012, 02:23 AM	#2
mummytori Mum (Mom) Active BnB Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: shropshire, UK Posts: 989	Sounds like a can of worms that really doesn't want opening tbh. Is his name on the birth cert? He definately doesn't sound like the type of character you want drifting in and out of your daughter's life, not to mention the trouble it could possibly cause between you and your oh if you let him back on the scene after oh has been the one who was there for you and Lo thru pregnancy and birth etc

Status: Offline

Apr 14th, 2012, 02:38 AM	#3
happysaurus Pregnant (Expecting) Active BnB Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: UK Posts: 303	Personally, I'd change all my contact info so he couldn't get involved. From what I've read in here, not nice men have a habit of trying to control women through the babies. You don't need that. As to why you feel bad, you're a nice person and creeps have a habit of manipulating nice people. A father, imho, is more than the sperm donor and sometimes it isn't in the baby's interests for him to be involved. However, if he pushes it and/or you decide to allow him to be involved then sort out child benefit. No matter what he made you sign, you're entitled to it and he will be pursued for it. And it sets a very clear line that he can't manipulate you - if he wants to be involved then he pays to support Megan.

Status: Offline

Apr 14th, 2012, 02:44 AM	#4
Emma247 Pregnant (Expecting) Active BnB Member Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 391	Totally agree ladies! Thanks! I didn't sign it- it wasn't even legal his friend typed it haha! And his name isn't on the birth certificate even the midwives told me not too! He won't be bothered I think he probs just wondering what she looks like. He was controlling without a baby, no way will I let him be involved in her life. He even threatened to take baby to turkey for his parents when I was pregnant so he would never be left alone with her ever!! I just watch TV about biological parents and worry she's gonna hate me for not letting him be involved x

Status: Offline

Apr 14th, 2012, 03:06 AM	#5
My_First Mum (Mom) BnB Addict Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Reading Posts: 2,871	I am going to go against the grain here but he is the babies father and nothing will ever change that. Whatever an arse hole he is he still is blood to your lo. I am not necessarily saying grant him access or visiting rights but he may have decided to come to terms with a baby and wants to be involved. Give him a chance to mess it up then you can look your daughter in the eye and say you did all you could for him to be a daddy. Edited to say he will not be able to take her out the country without a passport or birth certificate.

Status: Offline

Apr 14th, 2012, 03:06 AM	#6
purapura Pregnant (Expecting) BnB Addict Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: West London Posts: 2,681	You don't want your child around him! Just change all contact details! Does he know where u live?

Status: Offline

Apr 14th, 2012, 03:16 AM	#7
Munchkin30 Mum (Mom) Chat Happy BnB Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Midlands, UK Posts: 1,853	Hey there I think the advice here is pretty good but at some point I think you'll have to let LO know who her father is so she can make her own decision so you probably need to keep in contact so u know where he is. Sadly I'd also be inclined to send a pic to show him what he's chosen to miss out on (prob not the 'right' thing to do thoigh) just pleased your not still with him... X

Status: Offline

Apr 14th, 2012, 04:27 AM	#8
Emma247 Pregnant (Expecting) Active BnB Member Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 391	Thanks ladies! No he doesn't know where I live anymore but knows we're my parents are! If he felt that passionate about seeing her I lived there for the first 8 weeks! He could have turned up! I've been writing a baby diary, it explains everything from being pregnant up to know. I want to be honest with her n will tell her that someone else made her but Paul's her daddy. I don't want her to have any reason to hate me! Hopefully she will understand x

Status: Offline

Apr 14th, 2012, 05:08 AM	#9
Kaede351 Trying to conceive (TTC) Active BnB Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: County Durham Posts: 8,041	I probably wouldn't have anything to do with him... He doesn't sound like a nice person and your baby girl doesn't need all that trouble in her life. however, have you spoken to your boyfriend about all this? Just explain honestly how you feel to him. Let him know you love him dearly and how much you appreciate what he has done for you and how he has stuck by you but that you're scared about your little growing up and finding all this out and taking it bad. I think he should know that your ex has been in contact at least (if he doesn't already), because if he finds out and you haven't told him it could cause trouble between you both. XxX

Status: Offline

Apr 14th, 2012, 06:28 AM	#10
larudy13 Mum (Mom) Active BnB Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: chicago Posts: 1,117	just putting my opinion, you might want to let her know him or she might go looking for him when shes older. and maybe he will financially help you once he sees his baby? some men just freak out when they find out their going to be a father cause its a new shock to them you know? it wasnt right what he did, but maybe he will apologize? i might be totally out in left field here, but like someone else said he is the father and you really dont want him to start researching into "fathers rights" with a good enough lawyer there would be a small chance a judge would ORDER you to let him have her or visit with her. good luck I hope you figure your situation out!

Status: Offline

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