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Old Nov 17th, 2017, 12:02 PM   1
HSDR2017
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Im considering switching to formula because Im sick of being glued to the couch!!


Okay.. I dont know if this is just to release stress or to hear from others who have felt the same or for advice.. it doesnt matter at this point.

After my son was stillborn at 33 weeks last year and my milk came in I knew I had to bf my baby girl.

Well Ive been breastfeeding exclusively for almost 6 weeks now and I am SO irritated with it. I have NO problems with latch or supply. My problem is I nurse on demand and Im home all day with my baby. I gained alot of weight and I want to lose it all dramatically and be and feel attractive again. My problem? I can only pump like 2 oz a day if I spend about an hour or so pumping while nursing.

I hate pumping because Im literally constantly nursing!! Heres how my day is and has been pretty much throughout these last 5 weeks:

Be woken up to baby crying to be fed.
I put her to my breast and nurse her for 30 minutes at the least. (6:30am or 7am at latest).
I get out of bed, change her diaper, have to take her downstairs with me to let my dogs outside and make instant oatmeal so I can eat and help my supply.
I go back upstairs with her and my dogs and then I sit and nurse her again for 15 mins to an hour. I change her diaper again. By this time its usually 8:30 or 9.She falls asleep at my breast, I put her in her pack and play to go to the bathroom and smoke a cigarette.
By the time I finish peeing or less than half way through my cigarette, she starts whining again. If I dont throw my cigarette and run to her, she will full blown cry.
I get irritated and try to give her a pacifier and run back out to smoke a full cigarette. Nope; she cries AGAIN.
I go back inside, try to burp her, check her diaper, and try to put her back in her pack n play with a pacifier. Nope.. no way. She cries AGAIN. I say screw it and put her on my breast once again.
She nurses until she falls asleep. I get up and put her back in her pack n play. She wakes up less than 5-20 minutes later wanting to nurse again. I put her back on my breast extremely annoyed because I cant walk away or clean up or get ANYTHING done wi th3 out this girl crying and needing to be attached to my freaking breast!!!

Now its 11:40am and Im sitting here giving her less than an oz of milm I pumped yesterday and Im praying she will just go to sleep so I can have MAYBE even just one hour to myself without her needing my breast! My fiance will come home from work and she will likely be asleep for the first time all day as she usually is. I will be irritated as all hell and annoyed with her only sleeping after 3pm or so and I will once again be unable to leave her and spend time with my fiance for a night and leave her with my parents or even just an hour or two going and doing anything other than being her food source.. >. I will be pissed about not being able to have ANY time to myself and I will be upset about having no chance of losing weight or making our house look nice and I will hate breastfeeding and dread it even more than I already do. I cant stand her whining and crying when she isnt on my breast and I HATE not being able to leave her. The stress is making me fight with my fiance and he doesnt help as much as Id like but he works all day and comes home to my fat ass nursing her or taking 5 minutes to myself if she is sleeping. He pays for everything and comes home to a dirty ass house, and nothing more is done than the day before. I still look just as annoyed because Im glued to the couch with her and no I cant just go in the other room and do laundry or dishes. My freaking kitchen and laundry room is downstairs so I dont like to leave her up here alone because I wont be able to run to her aid if anything is wrong. I sit here and listen to a tv and a crying baby all day and get more and more irritated with being fat and knowing she is attached to my breast.

I literally cant pump more than an oz or two if I pump while she is nursing and I cant build a supply because I usually say screw it give her the 2 oz I pumped because I finally have someone here to help me (fiance or parents) and she starts crying. Why?! Shes hungry AGAIN!!

I read online breastfeeding moms spend 6.6 hours more per week feeding than formula fed moms... I call BULLSHIT. It takes less than 5 minutes to prepare a bottle of formula and it takes less than 15 minutes - if that - to feed the baby. It takes less than 5 minutes to burp them and then they are fed and happy and full for atleast 2 hours if not then more. There are less dirty diapers because formula takes longer to process from my understanding. How in the hell could formula feeding take more than 2 hours a day?!?! There is no way! That would give me atleast 4 hours during the day to worry about the house and cleaning and time to myself. Im antisocial. I love time spent alone. I even love my baby and my dogs but I cant stand my baby crying sometimes because I know all she wants is my breast.

I have the stress and weight of breastfeeding her and I cant leave her because while nursing on demand how are you supposed to build a supply to leave her for even just one night or even just two hours!? I dont care to spend extra time during my freaking day to "pump while shes asleep" or "pump as often as I can" because im stuck to this stupid couch nursing her ATLEAST 80 percent of the day - if not more. Everyone else gets to enjoy her sleeping and being cute and interacting. I get to enjoy the same but because its very little amount of time compared to the HOURS I nurse her all day - it isnt as enjoyable. Oh, and when she cries, I cant pass her to someone and say SHE NEEDS FED! yet the same people who enjoy her while shes happy or sleeping are the same who get to scream my name if she gets fussy because my breast is the only way she is fed. I cant stand this anymore.

Im not giving up just yet. However, if I dont get a break and a night away from her soon I will be quitting. If she keeps nursing damn near all day and night I will also be throwing in the towel because Im at my wits end. How in the hell am I going to lose weight or keep my fiance happy with a clean house, laundry and dishes done and a healthy dinner on the table for him? Its extremely irritating and I cant find anyone else online who has complained the way I am. I get so annoyed and pissed off Ive actually said Shut Up oh my god! More than once because Im sick of being a food source.

Oh and its just so cute that I cant drink alcohol after 9 months of also not being able to drink alcohol. It would be nice to actually go out with my fiance and have fun after being a slave to pregnancy yet I cant because Im exclusively breastfeeding.

Everyone says it gets easier and less frequent and blah blah blah but at 5 weeks I dont feel any happier or less annoyed than I did at 2 weeks. I thought it was supposed to be less frequent and shorter times at the breast as it goes but it doesnt seem likely at this point. Oh and I doubt this is a growth spurt because she did that last week for about 8 hours straight at my breast > .

Also, I am not depressed whatsoever. If anything, breastfeeding is depressing as all hell to me because its holding me back and I cant get anything done except feed her!!!



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Old Nov 17th, 2017, 13:26 PM   2
luz
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Do what you have to do for your own sanity.

That being said, I know you say you aren't depressed, but between this post and your post about vaccines it seems like you are having some thoughts and feelings very common/normal to PPD. I would talk to your doctor about it.



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Old Nov 17th, 2017, 13:38 PM   3
HSDR2017
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Im truly not depressed. If I were depressed I would know because Ive went through depression before in my younger days. If anything Im extremely happy other than the fact all I do is breastfeed. Im surprised if no other moms have dealt with the breastfeeding issue and Im positive they have because most moms dont even stick it out as long as I already have. It makes sense considering its the only "activity" I can do allllll day long. It makes for a very tiring day when its all you do.



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Old Nov 17th, 2017, 14:06 PM   4
luz
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I have EBF 3 of my children until they were 2, and currently EBF #4 and she is 3 months old. I plan on nursing her until she is 2 as well. The first few months are hard. Yes all you do is nurse, nurse, nurse. But to be honest, I LOVE it! I love sitting on the couch holding my baby all day, watching her so calm and content and just nursing away. Maybe it is because I have had multiple children that I feel that way though? They grow up SO FAST and before you know it they are 6 months old and only nursing 3 or 4 times a day, for maybe 5 minutes at a time.

It is hard to live with a messy house, but the days quickly pass and will be gone before you know it. And while nursing is extremely difficult at times, and can even be stressful, I do it because I know it is what is best for my baby.

Check out the period of purple crying website... my babies all cried for 5+ hours a day until they were about 2 months old and then it slowly fades and they turn into so much happier little things!



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Old Nov 17th, 2017, 14:25 PM   5
LoraLoo
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Have you thought about wearing your baby so you can get things done around the house?
I have 6 children and my youngest is 14 months and we are still bf. I found what helped me was going about our day as usual, i just got out, did school runs, playgroups, shopping etc. If my baby needed feeding whilst out, i fed her. Id be going stir crazy too stuck in the house. It doesnt last forever though, she will start going longer between feeds before you know it. Theyre not always this needy.



 
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Old Nov 17th, 2017, 14:55 PM   6
MEPride
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I totally get where you're coming from. At 5 weeks i was ready to throw in the towel, too. But now at 10 weeks i can honestly say i am HAPPY i didn't. The feedings get shorter, for one thing. My DD now nurses between 10-20 min tops. They are spaced about 3 hours apart in the day and she now sleeps 5-8 hour stretches at night.

But this not getting anything done in the day? I'm sorry to say, but you might need to get used to dishes in your sink and laundry overflowing the hamper. Because DD started 'waking up' and becoming more alert at 5-6 weeks and now at 10 weeks i still don't get anything done because she wants constant attention and doesn't like to be put down. Like ever. Ever ever. So i baby wear her in a moby wrap. And i leave the house EVERY day. She sleeps in her car seat and i get some adult time with a friend or my mother.

But the decision is yours entirely. Fed is best in my opinion. But keep in mind, too, that 8 weeks of Bf is enough to cuts SIDS risk by i think 50%.



 
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Old Nov 17th, 2017, 15:13 PM   7
MEPride
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Also, maybe find a lactation consultant in your area. Feeding for a solid hour is not normal. 20-45 minutes is. It could be something else going on that's preventing her from getting enough milk. Hence why she is constantly hungry.

Also consider this: you are her universe. She has only ever known you and being inside your belly. You are her food source but also a source of warmth, comfort, and security. She cries when you put her down because she doesn't have the ability to understand you'll be right back. She cries because it's a survival instinct. Her source of survival (you) has left and she needs you to come back. Because without you she will die. That is her instinct. She may be nursing so often as a source of comfort.

I tell people that having a baby, especially your first (i am a ftm too) is like having an identity crisis. You are no longer you. You are you+her and that means you won't be able to go to the movies or to dinner by yourself like you used to. You can't even go to the bathroom on your own timetable anymore. Because there is her now. And if that doesn't give someone an identity crisis then i don't know what does.

Some feelings of frustration and anger are normal. But just try to remember that she is helpless without you and that yes, it DOES get easier. But it gets easier for people at different rates. It started getting easier for me at about 8 weeks. I've known people who have said it didn't get easier until 12 weeks and even at the full year mark. It's different for everyone. And getting easier doesn't necessarily mean EVERYTHING gets easier. Because honestly, when something gets easier it will be replaced with something else getting harder. Raising a baby is being in constant flux and change. It's never constant. And why would it be when they grow SO RAPIDLY in such a short time????

But even if you aren't depressed... it could be good to talk with your doctor or midwife about your frustrations. You shouldn't suffer this much, and neither should your little one.



 
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Old Nov 17th, 2017, 16:07 PM   8
HSDR2017
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MEP, I appreciate the time youve taken to make me feel alot better. Im not a very emotional person so its very hard for me to think of the fact that she needs me when I get to the point of being annoyed as well as frustrated. I dont feel emotion much if at all.. I think logically.

In my mind, I think "okay.. you just nursed for 30 minutes or an hour.. I just changed your diaper before i nursed you, your temperature is okay judging by the back of your neck and the clothing is right for the house temperature, you havent slept and you just fell asleep on my boob for the 5th time in a row so surely you should want to go to sleep and give me time to myself. Let me check your diaper again.. hmm, its not dirty. Im going to put you down and you wont wake up or cry this time.. OMFG why are you waking up and crying when I know you arent hungry, I just burped you, I changed your diaper, etc."

Lol like I said I believe im antisocial on top of ADHD and it makes sense considering when she cries I never think "awh, you just want me to hold you" I always think "what do I need to do so youll stop crying since i know there are no actual reasons for you to cry...

I guess I didnt see wanting to be held or wanting comfort to be a reason for her to cry. I love her, don't get me wrong. I even got a snuza hero for her because the first 2 or 3 weeks without it, I wouldnt leave the room unless I could see her breathing on my security cameras. Now with the snuza hero I can atleast put her down and get stuff done especially when Im extremely stressed out. I would never hurt her because i know myself enough to know that when I get frustrated or stressed out, I can take 5 minutes and smoke a cigarette and go back to what I was doing and forget all the stress.

I do have a moby wrap, however, even though I love not having to physically hold her.. I think its a pain in the ass to put on tight enough and I still hold her even in it because I dont trust it completely especially not on stairs. Also.. when shes in it.. she seems to want to nurse right away which makes it looser so she can feed and it complicates the whole point of the wrap. I guess I could try to use it more often it just doesnt seem like it helps me get anything done because I cant lean over with her in it and when it comes to picking stuff up it just feels weird to me.

My fiance is an alcoholic and hes went to the bar behind my back twice that I know of since I delivered her via c section and both times I had to catch him which is upsetting me too. I study statement analysis and Im basically positive he has cheated on me more than once in the past I just dont know if it would have been a week or a year ago. :/ Why lie about going to the bar if you have nothing to hide.. why go to the bar when you have a fiance and newborn daughter at home.. why go to the bar without your fiance (he usually goes alone ive caught him so many times in the past 6 and 1/2 years) if youre faithful..? I think thats weighing on my decision too because if he did or is having sex with anyone else it makes me feel so unattractive from gaining so much weight between this pregnancy and last year when I lost my son at 33 weeks. We havent had sex since about 2 or 3 weeks before i delivered my daughter and we still havent. He tried to have sex with me 2 or 3 weeks ago when he was drunk and then again last week again when he was drunk and both times i told him I couldnt because I had to wait 6 weeks after the c section. I was allowed to have sex after my check up that was on Tuesday and I told him that and he hasnt tried to have sex with me still which hurts like a motherfucker and makes me truly sick of my body. :/ He pays all the bills the rent.. everything. He wants me to stay home with our daughter until shes atleast 2 or 3 he said. Yet he hasnt been doing much at all to help out. Its like hes avoiding his responsibility instead of enjoying her. Hes drank more since I delivered her (the 2nd day in the hospital he was drunk again that night and the day I had her he was sober). He is amazing with her when he barely drinks or doesnt at all which is so rare but even before he gets drunk or drinks too much he basically seems to avoid the responsibility. If I leave her with him to go out for a smoke and take too long he will yell something like "how long does it take to smoke a fuckin cigarette??!" I purposely smoked 2 instead of one last night cause he didnt drink much (I talked to him and basically told him he needs to stop and straighten up) but he got frustrated she was crying and wanted to nurse in less than 15-20 minutes. Its like me nursing is giving him an excuse to not take care of her the way I have to all day long. My parents can hold her off if she is hungry for 20 minutes or longer but its rare I would even ask them to do so. I feel like by nursing Im giving him the green light to do whatever and go wherever and not be responsible for her the way i am for her. I dont even think hes watched her for a full hour alone since we got home from the hospital. He does help at nights sometimes alot when he is sober or not wasted but when he drinks too much i cant trust him to hear her if I dont so I have taken her to my parents house so they can help and I feel like I made it easy for him to go to bars behind my back and to do whatever he wants and to sleep without worry because Ive slept at my parents about 60-80% of the nights since Ive had her.

No I dont have proof he cheated unfortunately but I know he did. I think he either has another hidden phone or that he has one night stands with bitches at bars. Classy. :/

Anyways.. I appreciate your help. Im considering maybe supplementing with formula or something to give me a break for a night so me and him can catch up and stop fighting so much or otherwise Ill have to pump for hours straight to have a chance at getting a break.



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Old Nov 17th, 2017, 21:00 PM   9
jessmke
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Do you have a stroller or carrier to put her in? You could get some exercise by walking or jogging outside with her, even strength training exercises like walking lunges, air squats, wall push ups, etc can be done with her in the carrier. My son did not tolerate being put down for the first 8 weeks, he got better after that and now at 4 months he will happily play on the floor or in the jolly jumper while I clean up the house or do a workout in the living room. I nurse my son in the ergo carrier a lot - while prepping dinner, vacuuming, at the grocery store, walking down the beach when on vacation, at the park, etc. You shouldn't have to feel confined to your house or couch in order to breastfeed, the great thing about it is that you can do it anywhere!

I've only breastfed my children, but I think it is probably much easier than formula feeding. Switching her to formula won't necessarily stop her from crying and wanting to be held, at least with the breast you have a way of calming and comforting her. If you switch to formula and she still cries a lot then you no longer have the magical power of the boob to sooth her. Also I couldn't image the headache of having to make bottles in the middle of the night. I'm sure you could work out a system and figure out a way, but I think just sticking baby on the boob is probably the easiest solution. You should do whatever makes you happy, just wanted to point out that making the switch to formula may not solve the problems you are facing.

I have the opposite problem to you, my boobs think they are feeding a village. I can feed my baby and then still pump 8+ oz of milk after he's done nursing. But neither of my kids would ever take a bottle so with both of them I've had a freezer full of milk and no use for it!



 
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Old Nov 18th, 2017, 09:41 AM   10
jtink28
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I think you should do what will make life easiest and happiest for you - I know you say you've dealt with depression before, but PPD is different. I think you should talk to someone.

Also, I'm not judging, but you need to stop smoking. Not only is your baby getting those chemicals in your milk, but she's getting the 2nd and 3rd hand smoke, and you're upping her chances of SIDS and and lung issues. Please, do try to stop smoking for her. Smoking will harm her 110% more than getting a vaccine ever could.

I'd also start babywearing. Put her in a carrier on you, so she gets the emotional snuggles she needs (babies need so much emotional comfort!) and you can get out and about the house or outside.



 
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