Sorry posted this on another thread before i saw this!
I need opinions! Please stay with me as it is a LONG saga. I need opinions on whether I am being totally unreasonable!
I am finally getting married in August after 10 years engagement and a LO. Now, because of LO we haven't been on "holiday" for years so my Head BM and Best Man want to give us a proper send off, details are as follows:
2 nights in a hostel (no food included) in Birmingham.
Stock car racing on the Saturday
No travel or food/drinks included.
Cost = £195
3 nights in a Georgian Bath Townhouse (Lady Emma Hamiltons old gsff)
Breakfast all 3 mornings
2 activities (tour of baths and cocktail making)
Cost = £200
Now, I know this isn't the cheapest and for anyone that can't afford this we are having a local do. £12 set menu at local Italian and drinks and a boogie.
Everyone who was invited has paid their deposits and are super excited about it.....apart from the Best Man's Wife.
She says that the Hen Do is far too expensive for what you are getting and she has a real problem with it (please see above for what her husband has arranged to refresh your memory!)
I sent her a message saying I understand if she feels it is too expensive and whilst I would love her to be there I will not go all Bridezilla and hate her for not coming.
Fast forward to this evening and she has text my HBM saying that a mutual friend will be calling to discuss cheaper alternatives as she is in "the business" and can probably get some deals!
Am I totally within my rights to tell her to go and do one?!! I am fuming! All my other Hens have paid deposits with no quibble and are super super excited about it, and I feel as if she has totally burst my "1st weekend away baby free in ages" bubble.
I have no intention of falling out with her about it but who does she think she is???
If she is the only one with a problem then yes tell her to bog off. Would be different if a big majority couldn't do it.
It's YOUR hen nobody else's. Don't let anyone change anything that your not ok with
I would be pretty shocked if someone asked me to pay to attend their hen do, even more so if it was £200. I am in Scotland and any I have attended have been paid for and if we went out generally some cash behind the bar, saying that we generally give some cash to help out but non of my friends or family would expect it. I wouldn't invite someone to my birthday party and say it will cost you.
Maybe she is of same thinking? I guess everyone is different
I think the difference is that this is a weekend away. I think for ladies who have just a night out, usually it's not necessarily something that would cost loads of money (though I've never not paid for one - I think it would be normal for the bride not to pay, and everyone else to chip in for her to have a nice night out). But totally different if it's a weekend away. I wouldn't expect anyone to pay for my 3 night weekend away. Then it's the norm that everyone pays usually expect the bride or stag.
If you're happy to be doing what your bride's maid has planned, I think you can just say thanks but no thanks. Maybe she felt she was being helpful? But the reality is that hen and stag parties are expensive. My husband went to his cousin's last year and it was like £600 for 2 nights, no meals included. He's actually best man in 2 weddings this year so organising his friends' stag dos and I think it's shaping up to be equally about £300 per person for 2 nights accommodation and one full days activity. People have to pay for their own transport and buy their own drinks and meals when they go out, and for the one evening meal they'll do at the house (having a BBQ), people are expected to contribute an extra 50 quid cash for food and beer on arrival. That's pretty standard, I think. But these things can get really contentious for some reason. My friend's friends fell out completely over her hen do (they were taking a coach to go wine tasting for the day and someone didn't like how much it was going to be). I think one of them even pulled out of the wedding over it!
But, in all seriousness, it's totally fine to be like, "I work in the tourism industry, if you want some suggestions for places to stay or things to do, here's a couple more options." But no one can get upset that they don't want to pay to come on your hen do. If they don't want to or can't pay it, they don't have to come and that's fine. They don't get to tell you that you have to change your plans to suit them. I think your bride's maid can just say, "thanks, but it's all booked and this is what she really wants to do. We'd love to have you join us but if you can't, we totally understand."
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