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Old Apr 4th, 2016, 15:53 PM   31
krissie328
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I didn't feel ready for another one until DS was 18 months old. So I would definitely give it some time.

But I can really relate. I know I am done at 2. DH really wants 3. I hope he is true to his word and won't pester me after the birth of our second.



 
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Old May 22nd, 2016, 09:12 AM   32
kdmalk
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Update: knowing the journey to adoption is a long one, dh and I started the discussion at dinner the other night. He wants the boys to be 18-(at most) 24 months apart, so we would have to get started soon. We know we want to adopt an infant.

As we were having this discussion, I felt comfortable and decided that I'll call a local agency I am connected with through work just to ask about time and money, etc. so we know what we are getting into. But the more I think about it, the more I just dread the whole situation.

1) we are hoping to move in a few years to a city where the cost of childcare would be completely prohibitive of having another child. This move is something we both want and have been discussing for a long time (I even recently interviewed for a job there and we were going to just pack up and move) and I know we will be kissing it goodbye until one kid is at least in kindergarten if we move forward with adopting. I really don't want to do that.
2) I truly have a heart for adoption and my adopted cousin is one of my very closest relationships (which is why I want to offer my child the same opportunity to share such a bond), but I cringe when I think of trying to chase 2 kids around. I feel like it takes a rockstar to have more than one child and I just can't imagine how exhausting it must be at the end of the day with two small children. Though I know this part will get better over time, my house is already a wreck with one kid that doesn't even walk yet. How on earth will I manage TWO?!
3) this has been touched on before, but I love my son so intensely that it makes me sad to think that he will have to share me. He will still be small and suddenly my attention will be on this baby that came from nowhere. We will have time to discuss a baby with him, but we could be with a mom from early pregnancy or (like was the case with my cousin), the agency could just call one day and say, "we've got a baby that would be a good match. Do you want him? ...yes? Great! Come pick him up!" and then my son comes home from daycare and this "baby" we have been talking about is just there. Lol. I don't want him to feel ignored or unloved because my attention is suddenly diverted.
4) and then my mind goes back to travel and fun again. We can take him anywhere and do so many things (we can take a friend along when he is older, if he wants) if we aren't paying for the day-to-day expenses of two. What fantastic experiences he could have! Why rob him of that to avoid the POSSIBILITY of "only-child syndrome"?
5) and then the dynamics of one adopted and one bio child. Will it make any difference to them? It obviously won't to us, but I worry about those teenage years where kids can be so cruel to each other. "You weren't enough for mom and dad" and "your parents didn't even want you!" It's different, I think, with more than 2 kids, but we would definitely only have one of each. How does that work out?
6) and then I think about how he might be lonely and how adorable it would be to watch him with a sibling. Watching them play outside or build towers together. And argue. And love one another.

It gives me anxiety thinking about it because I can't afford to just take my sweet time making up my mind with adoption being such a drawn-out process. Obviously this is a conversation dh and I will continue to have, but I'd love some thoughts/input from others about my concerns in the meantime. It gives me things to think about.

Thanks for all the responses so far!!! You guys have been great!



 
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Old May 22nd, 2016, 13:12 PM   33
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Update: knowing the journey to adoption is a long one, dh and I started the discussion at dinner the other night. He wants the boys to be 18-(at most) 24 months apart, so we would have to get started soon. We know we want to adopt an infant.

As we were having this discussion, I felt comfortable and decided that I'll call a local agency I am connected with through work just to ask about time and money, etc. so we know what we are getting into. But the more I think about it, the more I just dread the whole situation.

1) we are hoping to move in a few years to a city where the cost of childcare would be completely prohibitive of having another child. This move is something we both want and have been discussing for a long time (I even recently interviewed for a job there and we were going to just pack up and move) and I know we will be kissing it goodbye until one kid is at least in kindergarten if we move forward with adopting. I really don't want to do that.
2) I truly have a heart for adoption and my adopted cousin is one of my very closest relationships (which is why I want to offer my child the same opportunity to share such a bond), but I cringe when I think of trying to chase 2 kids around. I feel like it takes a rockstar to have more than one child and I just can't imagine how exhausting it must be at the end of the day with two small children. Though I know this part will get better over time, my house is already a wreck with one kid that doesn't even walk yet. How on earth will I manage TWO?!
3) this has been touched on before, but I love my son so intensely that it makes me sad to think that he will have to share me. He will still be small and suddenly my attention will be on this baby that came from nowhere. We will have time to discuss a baby with him, but we could be with a mom from early pregnancy or (like was the case with my cousin), the agency could just call one day and say, "we've got a baby that would be a good match. Do you want him? ...yes? Great! Come pick him up!" and then my son comes home from daycare and this "baby" we have been talking about is just there. Lol. I don't want him to feel ignored or unloved because my attention is suddenly diverted.
4) and then my mind goes back to travel and fun again. We can take him anywhere and do so many things (we can take a friend along when he is older, if he wants) if we aren't paying for the day-to-day expenses of two. What fantastic experiences he could have! Why rob him of that to avoid the POSSIBILITY of "only-child syndrome"?
5) and then the dynamics of one adopted and one bio child. Will it make any difference to them? It obviously won't to us, but I worry about those teenage years where kids can be so cruel to each other. "You weren't enough for mom and dad" and "your parents didn't even want you!" It's different, I think, with more than 2 kids, but we would definitely only have one of each. How does that work out?
6) and then I think about how he might be lonely and how adorable it would be to watch him with a sibling. Watching them play outside or build towers together. And argue. And love one another.

It gives me anxiety thinking about it because I can't afford to just take my sweet time making up my mind with adoption being such a drawn-out process. Obviously this is a conversation dh and I will continue to have, but I'd love some thoughts/input from others about my concerns in the meantime. It gives me things to think about.

Thanks for all the responses so far!!! You guys have been great!

1. Childcare is expensive, but there are alternatives. Would an in home nanny be cheaper? Maybe there's a program through your work or through the community that can make this less expensive.
This was a topic for me, too, I really wanted to go back to work in a couple of years..but now I think I'm gonna wait until my oldest is in school. My youngest will be about 2-3 at that time and I will only have to pay for one in childcare.

2. I'm also terrified of this! I may not be any help here haha I have a few people that have promised top help, but ultimately nobody does, as proven with my first. My husband is off on the weekend and can help them and I've arranged for my oldest to go with his aunt a day a week or every other week for a few months so it will just be me and baby then and he will get 1on1 with them (he adores them) I plan on cleaning up some then but honestly I'm not gonna kill myself over it, especially the first month.

3. My son turned 2 in February and I've been talking about this baby on the way since October and he had no idea what's going on. He says "baby in mommy's tummy" when he thinks of it but when the baby gets here I feel like it's gonna be an all of a sudden thing for him, too. They are just too little to see that far into the future..I really thought when it got closer to the baby being here he would be older and it would click but it's just not, and he isn't interested on the topic at all, not even feeling baby kicks.

4. I wrestled with this, too. I never got to go on trips when I was younger because we couldn't afford it and I really want different for my son. We are stillstool gonna try and make it work, I hope I can give this experience to both my boys!

5. Kids are awful. If it's not that it'll be something else. My sister is biological and she picked on me for everything from my weight to staying my period first haha (im the oldest) I don't know about the adoption dynamic but they are gonna be jerks to each other either way.

6. This is what pushed us into baby #2. I could list 100 reasons not to have another baby but ultimately I wanted to give my son a sibling, and I feel so lucky that he's getting a brother. It's something my heart was just drawn to and me and DH kept coming back to so I knew it was something we would regret not doing. I'm very happy with the decision we made now that I know he's coming but even when I first found out it took a few weeks to get used to it because I just can't imagine loving anyone like I love Leo, but now that I know he's a boy and he has a name and he's almost here I'm so bonded and in love with this little guy and our future with the 4 of us together.



 
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Old Jul 7th, 2016, 06:19 AM   34
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Interesting thread...

I agree that there's nothing wrong with being one and done though it's hard when a couple feel differently no matter how many kids it's about

I just wanted to add to the pregnancy bit since you don't hear it often, I don't particularly enjoy being pregnant either. We were ltttc for no 1 and needed fertility treatment both times so I am so happy and grateful to be pregnant because it means I get a baby but if I could skip that bit and get handed one the only thing I'd miss is the kicks. I do think the second time was better, I've had 'good' pregnancies but don't miss the nights out and rock climbing etc.. Since I don't really get time to do that anyway now. You're not alone in finding pregnancy itself not something to enjoy in its own right



 
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Old Aug 2nd, 2016, 19:11 PM   35
kdmalk
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Latest update: never called the agency. I really do just think I am done.

Could I change my mind in a few years? Sure. But I just continue to go back to not being able to SEE myself with more than one child. Did anyone else with more than one child have this issue early on?

When I think to the future or imagine our family a few years down the road, I just don't ever envision other children. I mean, I CAN see other kids, but it is always in the capacity of thinking how difficult it would be or how I don't want to be chasing two kids. My imagination gets the best of me and it is always negative thoughts when I think about more than one. Good lord, I sound like I need to see a counselor. I swear I am mentally stable. Lol



 
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Old Aug 6th, 2016, 12:46 PM   36
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Latest update: never called the agency. I really do just think I am done.

Could I change my mind in a few years? Sure. But I just continue to go back to not being able to SEE myself with more than one child. Did anyone else with more than one child have this issue early on?

When I think to the future or imagine our family a few years down the road, I just don't ever envision other children. I mean, I CAN see other kids, but it is always in the capacity of thinking how difficult it would be or how I don't want to be chasing two kids. My imagination gets the best of me and it is always negative thoughts when I think about more than one. Good lord, I sound like I need to see a counselor. I swear I am mentally stable. Lol
I just think this is all a bunch of stuff that you shouldn't feel the need to have to explain to anyone. It's an individual decision - no justification or explanation necessary!



 
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Old Aug 9th, 2016, 16:40 PM   37
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Could I change my mind in a few years? Sure. But I just continue to go back to not being able to SEE myself with more than one child. Did anyone else with more than one child have this issue early on?
Yes. I always wanted four, 4 girls to be precise. I had my first daughter and from then on knew I only wanted the one. 4.5 years later I fell pregnant by surprise (I was on the pill at the time and took it religiously) I didn't really bond for the whole 9 months but as soon as she was born I new I wanted to go back to my original plan.
I now have the 4 daughters I always wanted plus my 7 week old son and wouldn't change a thing.

If I could skip to 8 months and guarantee that I would have another boy (don't want DS to be an only boy with 5 sisters) than I would definitely have another, but as I can't guarantee then I know I am done. I've also always found pregnancy a breeze compared to others but selfishly really don't enjoy it



 
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Old Aug 11th, 2016, 20:41 PM   38
jessmke
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Could I change my mind in a few years? Sure. But I just continue to go back to not being able to SEE myself with more than one child. Did anyone else with more than one child have this issue early on?
I have done this exact same thing, only opposite! I always only ever wanted one child, OH and I had decided that we would be one and done! Shortly after Isla was born I started thinking of our future and always seeing two kids, playing on the tire swing together, building forts in the forest, pushing each other on the zip line, etc. So we have decided to have one more! My biggest concern is that I always envision our second child as another little girl, and I am really worried that I am going to have gender disappointment if it turns out to be a boy!



 
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Old Aug 11th, 2016, 21:43 PM   39
MelliPaige
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Could I change my mind in a few years? Sure. But I just continue to go back to not being able to SEE myself with more than one child. Did anyone else with more than one child have this issue early on?
I have done this exact same thing, only opposite! I always only ever wanted one child, OH and I had decided that we would be one and done! Shortly after Isla was born I started thinking of our future and always seeing two kids, playing on the tire swing together, building forts in the forest, pushing each other on the zip line, etc. So we have decided to have one more! My biggest concern is that I always envision our second child as another little girl, and I am really worried that I am going to have gender disappointment if it turns out to be a boy!

I was the same as you, if I had a girl second I would have had major gender disappointment..I'm so glad I got brothers..they wool have so much more in common! I've only ever seen myself add a boy momma



 
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Old Aug 11th, 2016, 22:06 PM   40
MelliPaige
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Latest update: never called the agency. I really do just think I am done.

Could I change my mind in a few years? Sure. But I just continue to go back to not being able to SEE myself with more than one child. Did anyone else with more than one child have this issue early on?

When I think to the future or imagine our family a few years down the road, I just don't ever envision other children. I mean, I CAN see other kids, but it is always in the capacity of thinking how difficult it would be or how I don't want to be chasing two kids. My imagination gets the best of me and it is always negative thoughts when I think about more than one. Good lord, I sound like I need to see a counselor. I swear I am mentally stable. Lol

Now that my second is here I can't imagine my life without both my boys (of course, he's a real whole person and not just thought in my head)
But it has been difficult.

When me and my dh decided for our second we had a whole pro and con list and I knew I was gonna be worn thin but we decided to do it anyway. I love this little soul but I am always so exhausted and not as patient with my toddler. I'm sad for him because he will never be my one and only again and I can tell he misses me. I'm no longer his bedtime every night, daddy has to do it most nights. He wants to drink all his brothers milk and can no longer nurse whenever he wants and that makes him sad..I try to cuddle him every time he asks but sometimes I really just can't. I'm so touched out and worn thin I just can't..sometimes I try for him but he can tell my attitude is different and he doesn't want me very long..but at the same time he adores his brother. They already have a good bond and it's been 3 weeks. It's also bringing him closer to his daddy, which they both are loving.

I'm glad I had my second (like I said of course I am, he's a real person and he's here in our lives) but it has been very difficult. I wouldn't take him back for anything, I don't want to seem like I would Because I'm very thankful to have this little guy in our lives...but it's definitely something you should be 100% ready for.

On the other hand, I have handled this labor/delivery/recovery so much better than with my first and I thought I did good then. My labor was 5.5 hours where it was 16 with #1, I pushed for 4 minutes and with my first I pushed for an hour.
I got home and the baby fit right into our schedule. I'm doing twice the work because I have twice the kids when hubby is away but he's a very contented baby..hubby helps a lot, too, when he is home. I really feel like Brice has been here the whole time he fit in so nicely. Another thing I love is that he looks like me, everyone says #1 looks like his daddy and they aren't exactly twins but I see the resemblance haha but everyone says Brice looks like me and I love it. I'm enjoying him more than I did with my first, too. I didn't even realise how anxious I was with my first, but now I can definitely tell and I have more confidence in my parenting and handling my newborn this time. The baby is perfect most of the time, not overly demanding but he still has needs..a lot different than my very demanding first. I didn't even realise how demanding he was until I had my easy going contented second baby.

I'm not trying to sway you either way..I've just commented before and wanted to give you my experience so far.



 
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