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Old Jan 30th, 2016, 15:53 PM   1
kdmalk
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I'm done with one. Hubby isn't. (Lengthy!)


I think this is the reverse of most situations, as typically the wife wants more and hubby is opposed. So maybe someone else is in this "strange" situation?

I have wanted to be a mom since I was too young to be one. I imagined myself with 2 or 3 kids to chase around and love on one another. I was beside myself when hubby was finally ready to have kids and I obsessively tracked cycles from day 1. Fortunately, we seem to be very fertile and we got pregnant the first month trying. That ended in a MMC and then we got pregnant again after waiting one month and had an early loss. After a couple more months, we were pregnant again with our sweet boy.

Aside from lengthy morning sickness (up to 19 weeks), my pregnancy was a breeze. I didn't get overly huge, my blood pressure was fantastic, I had no trouble moving around and had minimal swelling. I generally felt GREAT both physically and emotionally. I didn't cry one single time the entire pregnancy (which is very like me. I was totally myself throughout all 9 months). But I found myself saying over and over to people that I had no desire to be pregnant ever again. And I truly meant it. I have yet to hear any response other than, "you will change your mind," but I know I won't. I am grateful to have experienced pregnancy and the joy of giving birth, because I know many women who would love to do those things cannot, but now I have done it and I don't want to do it again. Regardless of how truly easy my pregnancy was.

We always said 2 kids (and I wanted 3), so my husband and I began discussing adoption seriously while I was pregnant because I wanted to make sure he knew how serious I was about not carrying another myself. Plus, adoption has always been close to my heart because I have an adopted cousin that I am very close with. We just always thought we would have a few of our own and complete the family with an adopted child somewhere down the line. But when I became serious about not giving birth again myself, we began to talk savings for an adoption during my pregnancy. It's ridiculously expensive, so we knew we wanted to start saving early so the kids wouldn't be 5 or 7 years apart.

With our son being born in December and right next to Christmas, we want to make sure he still feels special and decided that we should take yearly vacations (hopefully abroad) as a way to both celebrate him and expand our horizons. We thought that would be something truly special for him since his birthday will always be overshadowed by Christmas (and kids who are traveling, etc wouldn't come to a birthday party that close to the holidays). So we thought this would be cool for the whole family. Plus, affordable and realistic with only one kid.

And somewhere along the line I realized that I didn't even want to save for adoption, no matter how important it had always been to me. I don't want to deal with years of "well he got this, so I should get one too" and "but you let him do xyz and you don't let me" and having to buy 2 or 3 of everything (braces, cars, college, etc). I want to live comfortably and let him try whatever new lesson he wants or take school trips my parents couldn't afford to let me go on. I don't want to overly spoil him, but I want the ABILITY to say yes when I want to and when it will be enriching for him. And we can't do that with 2 or 3 kids. And we certainly can't do much in the next few years if we are saving for a $10-20k adoption. And we are used to taking a vacation every year. I don't think he has realized yet that that will be permanently discontinued for yeaaaaars. Not to mention having to pay for so many extra plane seats and cruise tickets in the future..... It just makes me shudder.

I look down at my little man's face, and I am done. I know it. Even 5 weeks out, I know. But hubby just won't get on board because he thinks he will be too spoiled or mentally unstable for being alone. I have taken to sending dh little articles about the benefits of only having one, as a way to slowly wear him down, but I don't want him to feel unsatisfied in the future. But, at the same time, I know I will feel unhappy when we can't afford to do anything because we have multiple kids (and dh will too once he realizes). The whole family will suffer.

Has anyone ever been in such a dilemma? What did you do? Did you convince hubby to be done or did you sway and have more? And what has the family dynamic been like after? Is everyone satisfied with the decision eventually?

Also, Is anyone else complete with only one? Tell me about it. What are the pros and cons of being a family of 3?



 
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Old Jan 31st, 2016, 13:25 PM   2
Dinah93
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Honestly I wouldn't make any definite and final decisions 5 weeks after giving birth, especially if you're breastfeeding. Even if you think you're thinking perfectly rationally your hormones will not be in the same place they will be in 6 months time. It may well be that you really don't want more than one child, but I wouldn't make any irreversible decisions now. I decided I didn't want another baby after my daughter, she was perfect, another baby would only take away from my time with her and I wanted to devote every minute to this perfect little person. I had a truly terrible pregnancy too and a dangerous birth, before having her I'd wanted 4 kids. Then we had an oops moment and a surprise pregnancy, and I was devastated. The first few months were really hard, because a newborn does command a lot of your time and attention. But now my son is coming towards two, and the two of them are amazing together, she gets so much from having her little brother to play with (and boss around!). We have been to Italy twice, Morocco, France, Ireland twice, Scotland and Greece since she was born as well as a few weekends/weeks away closer to home, but without a doubt the best trip was the second trip to Italy, where I had them both there, and I got to watch them play together, I get a lot of joy from seeing them interact and I know that our son was meant to be, God knew what was best for our family much better than I did! I really hope that doesn't sound patronising, but I was in a very, very different place mentally in the 3-6 months after both births than I was straight after having them.



 
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Old Jan 31st, 2016, 15:00 PM   3
kdmalk
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Right now we are calling our savings the "Disney" fund, but there is always the potential for me to change my mind. And I guess at that point it might turn into the adoption fund again. Lol.

No irreversible decisions will get made, for sure. We will always leave the door open, even if we are 100% sure we are done.

Thank you for your response! It has given me some things to think about.



 
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Old Feb 3rd, 2016, 13:31 PM   4
wookie130
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I'm with Dinah here on this one. As a new mom, having a perfect baby boy who is only 6 weeks old...yeah. You'd be better off sitting on any final decisions here. It is quite possible that when he's 2, 3, 4, or beyond, you very well may want to give him a sibling. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting an only child, and there is nothing wrong with being an only child. But as someone who is so new to this experience of motherhood, I would definitely not take the sibling thing off the table...because you never know, particularly if you're young, and can afford to wait a few years.

You will never regret the children you DO end up having, even if it is just the one child. This is simply one of those wait-and-see-what-the-future-holds type of thing, I think.



 
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Old Feb 3rd, 2016, 14:12 PM   5
Quartz
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Give yourself time, even the easiest of pregnancies is a huge mental and physical strain and ordeal and both the never want children again and the instant I have more are normal responses.

Both myself and my mother had the same response. i changed my mind she didnt. I am neither mentally unstable orspoilt!



 
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Old Feb 6th, 2016, 02:12 AM   6
Larkspur
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I don't have anything especially useful to add but I'm intrigued by your resistance to being pregnant again, even though you had a pretty easy pregnancy. It seems like that's what has driven your change of heart about more children, but I'm not clear why you're so against doing it again.

Maybe you're not quite clear on why you don't feel like doing it again either, but I think it could be worth exploring. It's an unusual change of heart.



 
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Old Feb 6th, 2016, 05:10 AM   7
JessyG
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My OH and I butt heads about this alot. I only ever wanted one. He wanted two, I figured meh what's one more eh! Well! After a pretty easy pregnancy (except the start when I bled alot) an emergency c section and a baby/toddler who hates sleep, I said no more no way no chance.

Now that she is two I would love another, the only thing stopping me is that we physically cannot afford two in nursery but also cant afford for me to stay at home. Its a horrible situation to be in. I think my daughter would love a baby and whole I hate the thought of being pregnant again, I would.

I also hate the idea of not having the money for clubs/holidays etc but you make do I suppose.



 
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Old Feb 16th, 2016, 16:16 PM   8
kdmalk
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Larkspur View Post
I don't have anything especially useful to add but I'm intrigued by your resistance to being pregnant again, even though you had a pretty easy pregnancy. It seems like that's what has driven your change of heart about more children, but I'm not clear why you're so against doing it again.

Maybe you're not quite clear on why you don't feel like doing it again either, but I think it could be worth exploring. It's an unusual change of heart.
I typed and backspaced 1000 times on this one. You are so right that pregnancy is what has stopped me about more biological children, but I just don't know that I have the words to explain my feelings on it. Frankly, anything I have typed has made me sound horrible... like I didn't love him while I was pregnant with him... So I just keep back spacing so I don't sound like a monster. Because obviously I am madly in love with this little guy and I would never take back my pregnancy or having him. Ever.

I guess being pregnant made me feel very... restricted... and I just didn't enjoy that part of it. Enjoying those "firsts" of pregnancy outweighed the restricted feeling the first time because it was something I have always wanted to do (not that I had any idea I wouldn't love being pregnant. I always thought I would!). I guess I feel like now that I have had the experience of feeling those little kicks, and finding out the gender, and having my new baby placed on my chest... I've done it. I've had a baby. And it was great to do that. But now that I have done it, I think I would feel trapped (for lack of a better word) for 9+ months if I did it again voluntarily.

I still sound like a monster. Sigh. I sure hope you guys aren't completely judging me right now.



 
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Old Feb 17th, 2016, 05:55 AM   9
wookie130
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Well, I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but I am definitely NOT judging you. Pregnancy and motherhood is a deeply personal experience, and it doesn't make you a monster if your experience has compelled you to want to stop at one child. It sounds like you're a great mother, whether you have 1 kid, or 5, so really, that's what should matter to YOU, not what other women think about your wanting one child. This goes to show you on some level where we're at as a culture/society, when women actually still feel judged for not wanting to fulfill some unspoken expectation that a mother should have at least two or more children. It's all good, whatever your reasons are. We are definitely our own people, and no one should judge your life decisions.

I would still hold off, and try hard to not think of having any more at this time...because I do know that your opinion very well may change down the road. And maybe it won't. But keep all of the necessary body parts conducive to conception (including his) and pregnancy up and running, just in case you feel differently one day.



 
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Old Feb 19th, 2016, 05:01 AM   10
morri
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I only want one, it is an old wives tale that single kids are spoilt.



 
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