DH begging for another baby but I don't want another - long....
Just as the title says, my husband is literally begging for another baby as he wants DD to have a sibling. Although I'm flattered and honored that he wants to expand our family, it's flat out something I Do. Not. Want. It's becoming a big point of contention between the two of us and I'm getting increasingly frustrated, and he's getting increasingly sad.
I'm not looking for any sympathy, nor do I need/deserve it. This is more of just me needing to get this out and get some feedback from you all. In fact I'm certain I'll come out sounding awful in this long post...But I'm open to any and all replies because I'm truly trying to see DHs side of things if I can
So here we go, bare with me....
DD will be 3 soon and I am a stay at home mom. She is an overall great kid- happy, smart, funny, active and just a huge wild handful. Truly enjoy spending time with her - she's like a little goofy adult! Totally conversational and spirited. She's a lot of work like all kids are, and I can honestly say she's slept through the night all of 5 times her entire life. It's utterly exhausting as you all know....but I'm really liking this age and excited for her to start preschool (she's excited too!!)
All that being said - I Can. Not. Wait. to go back to work part time - literally am going to lose my mind if I don't. I was just starting my own company when DD was born and that's all been put on hold. I put nearly 10 years into it and built it from the ground up. I worked so hard to get to a certain point and now its persistently out of reach.... There are days I just want to be alone and cry because I miss my "old life" so much it hurts. I miss my work ethic, active brain, the comraderie, working towards projects, having actual GOALS, using the skills I went to school for, etc. etc. I want to follow through with my company - get it off the ground, see it succeed!!!! I wouldn't trade being a SAHM for dd as a baby and now, but overall staying at home forever is just not for me! I feel panicky and trapped .ANNDDDD if we have another baby I'll feel obligated to stay home with him/her as I did with DD!! So there goes at least another 3 years of not working and letting my start up pass me by...
(Also, as many other women on here, I have absolutely no help, ever. MIL is the only grandparent who lives in town, and she does come over occasionally, but rarely and for short periods of time and only if I need to do something extreme around the house that DD can't do with me, like stripping the carpeting etc.)
The worst part of this all is DH and the fact he's truly a wonderful husband and a great father!! I feel quite guilty because he's so desperate for another kid. Of course we have little spats but we are really happy together and I thank God for him. Total family guy. If he could be a stay at home dad he absolutely would! He works extreme hours as he's in medicine and when he's not scheduled to work 12 hour shifts, he's on call at another hospital. It's just the way of his job and I respect his work ethic and all he does for us. Even when he is so tired he can barely stand up, I'll catch him doing dishes or helping around the house - and he's always spending time with DD and loving it.
See what I brat I sound like? Cool kid, awesome husband.....but I don't want another baby?
DH has been asking me for nearly 3 years for another baby. He's down right begging. He's offered up everything and anything to get me to say yes. He is super close with his brothers and feels like DD "needs" a sibling. I mean literally not a single day goes by without him mentioning it..... It's become a huge point of contention because not only is he nagging me to have another, but all my friends and family think it's so "sweet" he wants another, they say we are "good parents" and that DD "deserves a sibling".
That may all be true - but it's also infuriating because no one but me will be pregnant, home with the baby, etc. When I look back I'm certain I had PND after DDs birth. Babies are just not my thing, I don't know what to do with them, and I'm always convinced I should be doing something more with them. Plus have I mentioned I haven't slept IN THREE YEARS?!?!!!! How crazy would it be to sign myself up for another three years of sleep torture?!
Besides those reasons - I'm absolutely terrified to be pregnant again. I've so many miscarriages - 5 total I think? Maybe more including chemicals? It's been a blur. One was extremely traumatizing as It was a later term loss. Won't go into detail as respect for others on bnb, but I still have nightmares about it.... But alas we figured out it was just a lack of progesterone so things would be fine and manageable if we tried again for another baby. Also I AM SO WORRIED SOMETHING WOULD BE WRONG WITH THE BABY. I know it's irrational, but we won the lottery with DD! When does that luck run out? I don't know that I'm equipped to handle a baby with complications, what if I did wrong by that little nugget somehow? I could never forgive myself.
There I think I've said it all. I'm just stuck on this....
Apologies for the length, admittedly it feels good to let it all out....
Help? I just need some thoughts.....suggestions? Anything.....
I feel really bad for couples who are in your situation, you can't help the fact that you don't want another and your OH can't help the fact that he does. And one of you compromising on what you want is asking for an ENORMOUS sacrifice, something that will affect you for the rest of your life. I know this isn't any help, I'm just pointing out that it's not an enviable position to be in and neither you nor your OH are in the wrong here. Sure it's nice that your OH is a family man and wants more children, but that doesn't make his needs/wants in life more important than yours.
I have enjoyed being on maternity leave but I go back to work in 2 months and I can't wait! I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom, so kudos to you for being able to do it for the last 3 years! That being said, I really don't think that you need to feel like you HAVE to be a SAHM if you were to have another child. A second child is never going to get as much one on one attention as a first child, so trying to make yourself do things exactly equal for each subsequent child is just unrealistic. If you did decide to have another, your mental health is important too and if going back to work is what is going to maintain your sanity, then don't beat yourself up over that. A lot of kids have parents who work and they turn out just fine.
I had two miscarriages before conceiving my DD so I know the fear you are feeling. We just started TTC #2 this month and I am really worried about having more, but there's not much I can do about that. At least knowing that low progesterone was the cause for your previous miscarriages means you can lower the chance of further miscarriages, but obviously it can never be certain. Miscarriages take all the excitement and enjoyment out of pregnancy, especially if you had a later term loss (I couldn't even imagine...). So again no real advice here, just saying I understand your fears!
If you are open to having another child so long as you don't have to give up your career or have a small infant, have you guys thought about adoption? You could adopt a toddler which would allow you to bypass the infant stage. Obviously that would come with it's own challenges, but it is an option.
I have a family member who was in your shoes. They compromised by agreeing that after baby turned one she would go back to work. It turned out great and her girls are now teenagers and no worse off for having working parents. As lovely as the idea is that children have a stay at home parent, it is NOT for everyone and you should not feel like it's required of you! If you could be okay with another baby if you could work, maybe that's a way to compromise. If not, that's also okay too.
I agree with both pp. There is nothing wrong with you going back to work after having another baby (if you decide to have one, of course). I don't come from the US and where I live being a SAHM is a veeery rare situation. I would say 90%+ moms work. And it's okay. The kids are perfectly normal and it doesn't mean that their moms love them any less than the moms that stay at home with them. I am fully intending to go back to work after my OH and I (hopefully) have a baby someday.
If you still have problems justifying this, you should think about the fact that you would be giving your kids a great example of how to work hard to achieve your goals in life. Which is a good example to give, at least in my opinion (please note that I am in no way saying that SAHMs don't do this - I really don't want anyone to be offended by this!).
But what I got from your post is the feeling that the bigger issue here is the fear you feel because of the miscarriages and the fear that something will be wrong with the baby. I can relate to the fear of something being wrong with the baby, and, sadly, I have no advice here. As far as I'm concerned, it's probably pretty normal for all parents and future parents. But I can only imagine how you feel because of the miscarriages and I'm very sorry you had to go through that. As you said yourself - you know what the reason was, so there is a big chance that won't happen again.
Anyway, I'm sorry I couldn't be a bigger help or offer better advice. I just wanted to say that your feelings are perfectly okay and there is nothing wrong with feeling them. Have you talked about these things, with your husband? What does he think about it?
Also, whatever you decide - to have another baby or not - is perfectly okay too.
Oh, I feel for you. It's lovely your husband wants another child so badly...that's a testament to his love for you, your child, and your family as a whole. However, you have some very valid reasons for NOT wanting another...and it's totally FINE if you do not want more children! I do think this is something you need to seriously hash out with your DH...tell him EVERYTHING you've told us, and tell him you love him, and that you respect and love that he wants another, but he has to respect and honor your desires as well, particularly since a second pregnancy is something that will happen primarily to YOU, and in our society, the mother is most likely viewed as the default parent.
Perhaps what this issue needs is more time for both of you. Time for him to accept that perhaps another isn't in the cards...or time for you to reconsider this issue down the road. I do agree that you are under NO OBLIGATION to stay home with either of your children. I am a full-time teacher, and while a part of me yearns to stay home with my little ones, I simply cannot from a financial standpoint. Mothers work, and mothers can start and own their own businesses...and it makes you no less a mother to have to utilize childcare. Sometimes it really does take a village...but in the end, they are still your kids, and they know that also.
I have also suffered from pregnancy loss and miscarriage, more than once. The fear is real, and legitimate. I could not relax until that baby was outside of my body, and I could hear his/her first cries for myself. Pregnancy after loss is hard, and it's a worrying time. There are no guarantees ever when it comes to pregnancies, babies, or kids. It's always a leap of faith, and it's a matter of how badly a woman wants to roll the dice after miscarriage.
I do want you to know that no matter what kind of pressure folks put on you to give your child a sibling, it's totally fine to have an only child - NO MATTER WHAT THEY TELL YOU. It's amazing how everyone knows what is best for one another...even if it's not their life to live.
If this continues to be a bone of contention in your marriage, perhaps it is something you'll both have to seek counseling for...a lot of clarity and issues can come out when you lay everything out on the table to a professional. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband, and the marriage is worth that type of an investment...perhaps it will help.
I know how you feel, not about the SAHM, cause I have been one for 25 years and I do love it.. But after loosing Ava ( I was 40) Which isn't young but not old, I wanted another one so bad, but the fear just stopped me..Now I am 46 and wouldn't dare try ( Menopause is happening anyway ) But I don't regret it, I did for a bit, but now I feel it was just the choice for me.. The fear for me was to great and I know for a fact if it would have happened again late or early, I don't think i would have been able to come back from it .. I would not feel bad about wanting to do what you want to do, are you young? I ask because sometimes later on in years you may change your mind, which is fine. Sometimes we just have to do us, your happiness is important as well..Sometimes we have to be our own best friend... Of course your husband matters, have you ever really explained your fear to him? Good Luck XO
First of all neither of you are"wrong" it is such a personal decision, but something as this will break a marriage. I would definitely seek out therapy so you can both talk about why you feel the way you do, and to find a way of emotionally moving forward if neither can change their mind. But I have to say the one that struck me about your post was about being a SAHM, I have never felt obligated to stay home nor do I feel it is the right option for my family, I pursued my career with young children, not gave it up, and I'm a happier mum with happier kids for it. There is no right way to raise kids, and I don't personally think it's healthy or necessary to give up everything and just be mum. Perhaps you both need to think how you could make the others decision work, perhaps you could think of alternative ways of parenting to see if there's a compromise between having a child but not losing who you are or what you want to do. I believe women can "have it all" whatever that may mean, and I don't have family near me. But that said if it's still your decision that is totally you're right too.
Hmm... you can have another child, he can stay at home with the baby and you start your company/career. Problem solved? seems simple an obvious to me. you can save up for it and live frugally for a year or two. You'll both enjoy the change.
My DH was a stay at home dad for a year and he loved it! Here in Canada parents get a year of paid leave to share as they want. Couple typically fight over who gets to stay home
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