Was having a FB chat with an old friend from home. I haven't seen them for may years but we chat occasionally. He was also a friend of an ex. More so than mine really.
Anyway, my ex and I had a bad break up. We had been together for 8 years and I wasn't happy and cheated. I left straight away (no excuse though obviously). He was fine to start with, then slowly had a breakdown, tried to kill himself and ended with him holding me hostage (with a gun) for a number of hours, and raping me once during that time.
After he let me go, things went into a bit of a blur. He was an upstanding member of the community and sides were taken. He plead not guilty to start, after 6 hours giving evidence he changed his plea and was jailed. I was run out of the town and told I was "nothing but a whore who deserved everything she got". I left my home town and very rarely go back. He finished a degree in prison, had his mortgage paid on the house and on release went back to his old house and job and friends.
Now I have lots of feelings about this, even though we are many years on. when talking to my friend, he asked what the gossip from home was. I mentioned I dont go back often due to being driven out. His response? I did hear about that, but haven't spoken to him (my ex) in a while so dont know his side of the story so won't take sides.
WHAT???? I mean, i didn't ask to take sides, its not like we are fighting, we dont speak. But not making any judgements - are you kidding me??? So angry with that comment.
Id be raging too to be honest. You're right there is no taking sides, he raped you and got found guilty. Case closed he's a scumbag and that's it.
Id be tempted to say something along those lines and then not talk to them again. I get it's not those fault per se but having any ties to such a bad part of your life isn't a good idea. I'm just glad you're away from it all and in a happy place.
I would be so angry! He pleaded guilty and was found guilty and your "friend" is on about taking sides as if it is just some kind of minor thing. That's just awful and I'm so sorry you went through that
Taking sides? what as in being okay or not okay with someone being intimidated, threatened and sexually assaulted? This person is clearly no friend, I would tell them if they're thinking of this as an issue of taking sides perhaps they need to think about whether they posses a conscience or not, what an ass.
I honestly can't believe what I've just read. This isn't about taking sides in a breakup, your ex admitted guilt and was convicted, there's no quibbling it. I hope that your friend just had a "duh" moment and didn't mean it the way it came out
Thanks all. I was wondering if I should have even said anything on here but was so taken aback. I mean, I get its a ridiculous situation. I dont talk about it often because when I have its like i am talking about a film, that sort of thing just doesnt happen where I am from.
I haven't spoken to the friend since and think I will not bother. I told my husband that night and he was annoyed for me as well and said that was a ridiculous response. Thankfully he's very understanding about everything and the effects its had. I like to think I then help him in his job (he's a police officer and also one of the sexual assault liaison officers) :-)
I forget that some people still dont see issues with things like that. Glad I wasn't over reacting when being annoyed.
That's crazy. I think sadly a lot of people (men especially) don't see rape for the serious crime it is. How he could think you and your ex are at all even is beyond me. I wouldn't be this person's friend anymore.
Glad to hear that you now have a kind and supportive husband
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