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Old Oct 28th, 2017, 08:02 AM   1
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How do I finally stop

I have spent the last 3 years upset disappointed and resentful of my parents and my partners parents. We have a beautiful little girl who I genuinely feel they don't deserve the title grandparents too. My mum is emotionally cold always has looked after us but growing up she never could bring herself to praise cuddle or just be warm and supportive. She makes me go cold sometimes as she slags off other families for their close relationships. She has no emotional understanding of miscarriage and loosing babies. I've had early ones and my mother says people go over the top with things when it happens. I totally disagree with her and as my daughter gets older I just hope I don't end up making my daughter feel the way she's made me. I know she's the reason I feel unattractive and I avoid social events. She's made me think we can't look nice in clothes because we have unperfect bodies etc. I don't think people realise what sort of mum she is because she hides behind taking the pee and as all the other mums write nice things on their kids Facebook pics my mum writes bootiful... We know she's mocking the other families calling each other beautiful but everyone thinks it's her quirky word.

That's just some feelings I have. On top of this I know they'd never see my daughter if I didn't take her round. I am 7 months pregnant and going through a hard time with an extremely clingy toddler. I need to leave her with grandparents when I'm in labour and I honestly don't want too. I know my parents will be OK with her but what's upsetting Me is they won't help me get her comfortable staying with them without me occasionally. I don't expect much... Just to drop her off for tea or 2 hours play. But no matter how hard I try my mum's had an orthopaedic op done this year twice and is insisting nobody else has anything going on apart from her. The whole family has helped them out with everything yet I can't get a few hours help. We've had to put furniture up and decorate all whilst our toddlers here. It's fine but it was tricky. I've had bleeds etc this pregnancy and not one offer of a rest while they entertain her. My dads fit and able. He moans if he hasn't seen her for ages yet he never rings or asks if we go around he watches football and doesn't play with her.

I'm literally emotionally at the end of my tether. My in laws are no better either. They favour their daughters toddler and have her half the week. They go months without seeing our little girl. My partner has realised that they won't ever change.

In this current pregnancy I've not been allowed to get excited I'm always told he's not here yet. My parents have offered to buy nothing this time but with the last 3 kids they paid for cots etc (sisters kids and mine) I've had sarky comments from my dad when I said mil would have dd because he was offended I was picking them over him, yet my mum won't discuss sleeping arrangements etc. All I get is oh I dunno can't think of that right now. Not helping me relax!!! I need to know where my toddler can sleep. She needs to be happy when I leave her. She's not going to settle easily at all and I'm absolutely feeling the guilt about leaving her.

After the babies born I want to change my attitude so I don't keep focusing on what we don't have. I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of it being one sided. I asked to take my little girl around tomorrow for a few hours as she keeps asking to see grandma and my mums like oh will let u know tomorrow. My mum doesn't go out she's always home. I am not gunna go out my way to let them see the baby weekly and hope they want to see us more. But I never learn. I need to loose touch. I need to not show photos to them so they don't get to see how fast he's changing unless they try. I dont think I need a therapist as I don't feel there's a huge trauma but I feel like she could hold me back being the mum I want to be by judging me for being loving etc. Any advice from anyone who knows how I can work on all this would be appreciated.

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Old Oct 28th, 2017, 09:20 AM   2
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I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way about yours and oh's parents. I agree, neither set sounds very loving or caring. Perhaps its just how they are.

My situation is slightly similar, with neither sets of grandparents being very accessible for help. For different reasons thouh...FOB's parents are very loving, but they live across the continent. My parents are divorced and my dad is out of the picture. My mom is emotionally unstable, can't tell when she's had too much (to drink) gets very emotional after a few glasses of wine, and lacks much self-awareness. She's very loving and supportive, and would do just about anything to help us.. but because of her issues, I try to put limits on how involved she is and how much we see her. We do still see her a few times a month, and she takes my daughter overnight occasionally (my daughter brings out the best in her.) But its not someone I'd want to be reliant on all the time. The more you're around her, the less she holds up her good behaviour and her flaws/bad habits become more apparent.

What I'm going to be doing soon is securing a few babysitters for my daughter, for the odd few hours on a weekend, and a some evenings too to get out and have a break. I'll still have my mom to help too, but this way she's not my only outlet, and I at least have other options, even if it will cost money. Quality childcare is worth paying for. Maybe you could look into something similar so that you don't feel so reliant on grandparents for help?

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Old Nov 1st, 2017, 13:05 PM   3
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They sound so cold Hun. Have you thought of getting your mum to come to yours? I got my MIL to stay at mine when I went into labour as my eldest had never stayed over at any ones house before. Hope you get something sorted soon!xxx

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Old Nov 6th, 2017, 13:01 PM   4
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Didn't want to read and run.
Sounds a little like my MIL. She claims she wants to be involved but never contacts us, always us chasing her. She would never text or call me or DH but always comment on Facebook about the children like she was grandmother of the year. Long story short I stopped making the effort,she needed to show me that she cared and she never once did. DH isn't close to his Mum anyway so it was mainly me that kept in contact. She now refuses to talk to us, blames me and MY family (we are very close) and is just very bitter and resentful of our children. She hasn't sent the birthtday cards or even a message. My girls don't need that and neither do your little ones. Do you have mum friends you can meet up with and maybe set up a circle of friends so you don't always call in on your parents or in laws for company. X

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