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Old Jul 30th, 2012, 09:10 AM   1
Katy Bug
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Never been this depressed/anxious/paranoid

Not in my whole life. Not even growing up as a teenager was I ever this depressed. I don't even think I knew what depression really was until pregnancy. I have literally redefined depression. I was fine, really, until the 2nd trimester. Then intrusive thoughts hit me hard. Coming from a family with anxiety, me, my mom, sister and grandfather all have these. Before pregnancy I was able to shrug them off, even talk about them in the open. But aren't as bad now but I would literally get upset over thinking my husband or me or my mom would get in a really bad car accident and die. I would think about something horrible happening to my 2-year old nephew. I would think about someone killing theirself over not being able to bear the pain of losing one of our family members. I thought about what if my husband loses me and the baby. What would he do? What would I do if I lost him? Those aren't as bad now, but they were the first trigger.

Since then I created this huge scenario that the government was going to come get me because I thought I did something wrong on my unemployment. It stressed me out to the point where all my family members were telling me I needed to stop and that I was being ridiculous. I eventually pushed it behind me. My husband and I went through an issue and now I still can't let it go and it makes me feel worse. My mom has talked to me about it and has told me to let it go but it still keeps bothering me when it shouldn't! My paranoia has gotten worse, and I thought my husband was living a secret life. I even told him about it and he laughed. I keep feeling guilty for things I shouldn't and I have suicidal thoughts every other day, even though I wouldn't kill myself. The thoughts are still there. I keep thinking I'll be too weak to handle anything that might happen in the future and hurt myself, whether it be rough spots in marriage, losing a family member, etc. I've become depressed to the point where I don't do things I once loved. Example I love playing videogames and haven't touched the controller for two months. I also haven't written much of anything (I love to write stories and poems) in about 3 weeks. I have this mentality going that I don't want to have fun or show excitement or be happy because I'm afraid that as soon as I do something bad will happen. There is always too much on my mind and I HATE being alone, even if my husband goes to the store for an hour or so. I cry and just hate it..So I can't be alone.

I am afraid that all of this is stressing out the baby or that I've harmed him He moves around a lot, though, and hasn't shown any signs of stress (no low or high heartbeat). Everything has been pretty normal. My appetite hasn't been there the whole 9 months but I continue to eat lots of fruit and try to eat as much as I can. I'm afraid to tell my husband or mom about having suicidal thoughts but someone told me I should since they are family. I even lied to my doctor the other day when she asked me if I had any thoughts about harming myself. Should I tell her too? I just feel like they'll think I'm crazy or something. Advice?

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Old Jul 30th, 2012, 11:49 AM   2
Hopeful 4 #1
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Hun I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Depression in pregnancy is common. You do have more hormones floating about so its bound to be more difficult now than before. I would try and speak to your hubby at least. You may find this will really help. I would do so pretty soon. If you are having self harming thoughts u need to talk to someone. I would go to him first. I hope u are ok hunny. PM me if u ever want to rant, & pls talk to your hubby x

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Old Jul 30th, 2012, 14:06 PM   3
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I am very sorry to hear about what you have been going through. Believe it or not, I think you are suffering from post partum depression. But your pregnant - so how does that make sense right?! I know it sounds strange, but you actually can suffer from post partum depression while you are pregnant. I went through a depression of my own and in speaking to my doctor, she told me that I was going through ppd and was able to offer support. Who would of ever thought you could go through this during pregnancy?!?

I recommend that you speak to your doctor. Depression will only get worse and grow if it is not recognized and worked on. There are so many different support systems out there that your doctor can help you with. Please know that you are NOT alone. I have been there and soooooo many other woman have as well. There is help out there - Make sure to get it!! Once the baby is born, the hormones go crazy again trying to readjust which can make the depression you are feeling now even worse. Working with your doctor can really help!!

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Old Jul 30th, 2012, 14:13 PM   4
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Hun they call it ante natal depression and you can get HELP for it.
Last pregnancy i was put on safe anti depressants and was seen by a specialist who monitored me from 29 weeks till baby was 6 weeks old where care was passed to my doc.
This issue is very common and does not make you weak

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