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Old May 3rd, 2013, 13:22 PM   1
Jingles23
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How do you handle visitors?


Just wondering how you have or are planning on handling visitors after a home birth. I had my daughter in the hospital and, while my family was really respectful, I found my in laws to be very overwhelming and loud. They always come in a large group and it seems like they can't each visit on their own. Last time they came with my two nieces and were bouncing all over the room and having a big old party and I was stuck not being able to breastfeed and not loud enough to make them leave. Same thing happened when my nephew was born a few months ago. Everyone went to their house and totally ran over the whole place and my poor SIL had just had a baby. I understand they are excited but I'm really looking forward to the bonding time this time around and really don't want my house to be run over by them all a few hours after giving birth. My husband doesn't seem concerned but I'm starting to stress. Any tips??



 
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Old May 3rd, 2013, 16:11 PM   2
SparkleUK
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Hi there!
I'm not having a home birth, but, I'm also stressing about this matter!
My in laws are separated, and really don't know when enough is enough! They are like guests in my house I.e expecting teas and coffees whereas my own family would come over and support me and make ME the tea and look after us!!

This is our first baby so I'm going to be really selfish at first. I'm saying only immediate family in hospital so mums and dads no sisters brothers or their partners, except my own sister who will help me shower etc etc...
Then when were home I want time just me and my OH with baby to bond. We're just going to say please leave us to bond for a few days and we will be in touch when we're ready for visitors.
My OH isn't bothered tbh about this, I think he wants a few days with his daughter himself! I just wanna lock us away for a few days and get to. Know our daughter without ppl taking her off us to hold!!!
Xx



 
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Old May 4th, 2013, 12:13 PM   3
loulouamy
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Hi Ladies, I am 5 weeks pp and am still having to be strict with visitors.
I had my son in hospital but came home within 12 hours, he was born during the night so got to spend the time with him and hubby alone before going home. I have a very large family and we are all extremely close so I know that visiting was going to be an issue. I rang my mother before I left the hospital and told her we would be home soon and to round up the family that they had an hour to visit and then we were going to bed. They all arrived and it was hectic but after an hour hubby announced that we had not slept in over 40 hours and were going to bed.....
ALL our friends rang to ask could they come over and we told them that we were all tired and going to bed. The first week is crazy... everyone wants to come see the baby ( not you unfortunately ) it was so draining but the best thing to do is when people ask can they come over say yes but come before 6pm ( or whenever suits you ) as you will be settling baby after that and they wont be able to hold baby etc.

The hardest thing I have found ( and still am ) is saying no to picking baby up. My rule is if you have already met the baby then unless baby is awake when you arrive you dont get to hold him... this pisses some people off ( mother in law ) but at the end of the day you are the one left holding the screaming baby once they leave....

Good Luck... Be firm... Enjoy New baby because trust me, my son is only 5 weeks old be he is getting so big so fast...



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Old May 4th, 2013, 15:16 PM   4
summer rain
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The weird thing is after I had my home birth one of OH's aunties came over but no-one else did for about 10 days! I was surprised as with my eldest it was a nightmare as my FIL brought all his random elder friends and MIL brought over 9 million of her friends and I didn't get any sleep or rest and I was stuck in hospital for nearly 4 full days after having him on the ward so it was a nightmare experience. With second eldest one of the reasons we had him 200 miles away at my parents' local hospital was to avoid all those visitors. So I was worried when I decided to have second youngest at home but as I said only one relative turned up . I'm not sure what the others thought they may find there, blood splattered on the walls maybe? They may surprise you xx



 
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Old May 4th, 2013, 16:24 PM   5
murmur
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I think we were quite lucky in that our visitors spread out over two or three weeks. the worst visit we had was the in laws when son was 6 days old. they barely got to see him as I was pretty much breast feeding him ALL day as he was having his first growth spurt. I didn't know about growth spurts at the time so I was in tears thinking I wasn't producing enough milk. Hubby tried to get his parents to leave early but they wouldn't take the hint, it was nearly 10pm before finally left. Everything was much better when they popped over the following day and they got to spend some quality time with their grandson.

This time round we won't be having visitors around day 5 or 6, and the in laws have said that they won't be coming up for a couple of weeks this time. Phew!



 
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Old May 5th, 2013, 06:39 AM   6
MandaAnda
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No one is allowed round unless I invite them. I'm glad I live in the UK, as I find it not as bad as my native US where people seem to think they're entitled to enter the labour room and hang out in the waiting room. Crazy! My mom wanted to fly over for my little boy's birth, but I convinced her it was best not to since birthdays are so unpredictable. The truth was, I didn't want her at the birth, think it's incredibly rude for people to invite themselves like it's a right rather than offer. And I wanted at least a week of just our little family.

It'll be the same this time. I'll be having my babymoon, and no one is allowed round unless I say. And the same thing goes for cuddles. Babies, especially breastfed babies, are hormonally linked to their mums. Other people's scents, etc, can mess bonding and baby's sense of security all up. No playing pass the parcel with my baby.



 
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Old May 5th, 2013, 22:58 PM   7
floatingbaby
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Thanks for this post - I'm concerned about this too. We are moving to my hometown at 37w for the birth and the summer and going to be staying with my folks until we get sorted then move onto our boat.
The MW in the area (only one) cannot take me on, so I have to have a hospital birth But my doc and the hosp are great, so it's not too bad. My mother is welcome to be with me and DH during labour, we are very close and she has had 5 babies, but attended 5 of her 6 grandbaby births, and she's becoming a certified doula in 5 weeks... Anyway we were chatting and I said that I don't want everyone (siblings, dad and all) waiting outside the delivery room - which is how it was with my sis and SIL. Then doc announces "it's a boy" and everyone rushes in. I said I want to either have no hospital visitors (if I get out quickly) or call and invite people. My ma said "it's not all about you, you know" "actually, it is" I told her, and she said that there are so many people who already also love this baby and want to meet it right away, but I do not feel like I will be ready to share that special time with others.

I have wanted this baby for so long, and the last thing I want is to squeeze her out then pass her around! Come on! I feel like my mom thinks I'm being selfish by not wanting visitors right away...

Sorry, not helpful, but I'm with you!



 
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Old May 6th, 2013, 03:10 AM   8
Kess
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You're not being selfish at all, floatingbaby, and you can tell your mother that if people truly love this baby (rather than just want the fun of cuddling a newborn and feeling important for being in at the beginning) they will do what is best for the baby, which is encouraging baby's bonding with his/her mother and also father - by keeping out of the way for a couple of days and leaving you to bond! Frankly, nobody else is important to the baby at this point, just mother whose smell and voice and heartbeat are all familiar and father whose voice s/he knows and who needs to bond with baby as soon as possible.

After my HB, people were fine, they called to ask when to visit and we arranged a couple of days after the birth. It helps that 1) they all live at least an hour away and 2) my Mom, Dad and sister were all here for the birth anyway! We'll have moved closer to one or both sides of the family by the time we TTC again, but anyone just showing up or trying to insist they got to visit sooner than we wanted will be given short shrift. That said, I was happy for visitors within a couple of days first time round, I was the typical proud mama wanting to show off my beautiful boy, and apart from being sore from stitches I felt fine too very quickly - natural birth tends to be quicker to recover from so you may find you feel the same.



 
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Old May 6th, 2013, 04:21 AM   9
MandaAnda
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That's not a good attitude for a potential doula to have. It IS all about what you want for your birth. You only carry and birth this baby once. I know there's no way I'd hire a doula who thought it wasn't all about the birthing mother. You might want to tell her that.



 
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Old May 6th, 2013, 11:55 AM   10
ruaaur
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I SO appreciate this thread as well. I'm a first time mom having a home birth, and I feel like I'm going to have to put a sign on the door, lock up, and turn off our phone.

I guess a question would be

When someone is holding your new baby, what is a polite way of saying that you want to hold them again?



 
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