Hi Everyone. Life is really complicated right now. I feel confused, hurt, lonely and terrified of the road ahead as things in my life are erratic and so uncertain right now.
I have a beautiful baby girl who is just over five months old. Her father and I separated the week before Christmas. As you can imagine it's been a truly grim time. Baby's first Christmas was not the magical time I had imagined.
We had separated because things had become so strained between us. A mixture between him working ridiculously erratic hours (to the detriment of my health as well as his), not pulling his weight or showing me enough support at home and extreme highs and lows in his mood. Me feeling like he prioritises many other things but mainly his work before the two of us. We were fighting so much, pretty aggressively (verbally) and I just don't think that our baby should ever be subjected to that or have to grow up in a household where that has become the norm. I have always had a really long fuse but it's shortened drastically in recent times.
I am not trying to paint myself as an angel but I have tried so hard to be open minded about finding solutions to help us move forward and it's being met by him, sometimes with real optimism and other times with hostility. We are awaiting a counselling appointment but yesterday he finally told me he is not prepared to go as I am the one that has issues to work through. I genuinely think there might be mental health issues where he is concerned as he has always been volatile, but I have no how idea how to approach the subject without it being taken the wrong way. I also have my mother - who is a wonderful support but highly over protective and also quite close minded - telling me that he has problems and I don't want a relationship with him etc. I know where she is coming from but it's so hard when you are clouded by loving that person even though they are hurting you so much. And don't get me wrong, I know he's hurting too. 😔
Sometimes the way he talks to me is appalling. Other times he is incredibly sweet, charming and loving. I am so confused by the whole situation. It's clouded by how much I love him and want to be able to work through things together. I know I need to be strong but I am finding it all so difficult.
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