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Old Sep 7th, 2006, 05:11 AM   1
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My Life Story - (not even Eastenders could make this one up)

Hey, This is me....I dont really no where to start - the beginning is probably the best (he...he). I;ve been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster of late so excuse me if i waffle!!!!

Basically, I have been married for 15 years and have three beautiful living children. When i was around 18 i was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and was told I would find it difficult to fall pregnant because of my lack of periods. When i was 20 my husband and i decided that we would try for a baby - we were under the hospital and after 3 years i fell pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful little girl who is now 13. After around 4 years we decided we would try again and still under the hospital i was given clomid and injections which didnt work this time. After a year or so of trying my consultant did an operation to blast my "golf balls" and cleared my tubes and within 2 months i was pregnant with my son who is now 6. After that my periods were pretty regular but old habits die hard and i accidently fell pregnant with my 2nd son who is now 4.

About 18 months ago i found out my husband was having an affair - he left me on April Fools Day for the other woman, blaming me for not caring anymore. I was devasted - I didnt realise how bad my life had got. Bascially a day or so later he came to see the kids - first i played the acceptance game and made my demands about the children, then i completely lost it - kicked, punched and slapped him and begged him to stay cos i couldnt go on without him. He basically said that as soon as he had "decieved me" he knew that i would never forgive him and saw it as the only way out and he knew that i would never ever forgive him. We talked like we had never talked before and i knew that i still wanted to be with him, he said that he had never done anything like that before and that it had all been a terrible mistake which got way outter hand. I had to believe wot he told me to save our marriage. A week or so later i discovered i was 8 weeks pregnant. I was in such turmoil about whether our relationship would work, whether I would live with the hurt, did i still trust him and most of all would be do it again!! So I decided to do something that i never ever thought i would - out of shear panic I decided to terminate the pregnancy. It was the hardest decision i ever had to make and when the day came I just wanted my husband to tell me not to go thru with it but he never did so i went thru with it with mixed emotions. I blamed him for making me do it, for putting me in the situation of doubting our marriage. But at the end of the day it was my decision and i didnt want him to stay with me for the sake of the new baby - i wanted him with me for me.

In November i discovered i was pregnant once again (wot ever happened to me not being able to have babies I hear you cry!!!). Our marriage was good - we had been to counselling and in some kinda sadistic way it had strengthened our marriage. We saw this baby as being a god send. At a routine scan in April it was discovered that my baby had died - he was 23 weeks. Two days later i gave birth to him with my husband at my side in a dignified and peaceful way - anxiously waiting to hear a cry that never came. He was truely beautiful and perfect in every way. We sat with out baby for a couple of hours and never saw him again. I felt like i had been paid back for my mistake just one year earlier. We had him blessed and then buried in a baby garden - i wanted him to be recognised as a person and did everything i could think of to try and make it so. I grieve for him everyday and the hardest thing was that i felt like i was missing someething, my heart ached so much.

I am now pregnant again - and am so very very very scared. I do not know wot the future holds, whether he/she will make it, and never take anything for granted. I just take each day as it comes. I have been holding off of going to to doctors but am going next week to arrange for my care. I am currently 9 weeks and have worked out that the baby is due in April, just days apart from when i lost my other babies this and last year. Am i destined to have this baby???? i dont no. I wont allow myself to think very far ahead which is a shame but god willing i will get there.

Thank you for listening to my story. XXXXX

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Old Sep 7th, 2006, 05:55 AM   2
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aww hun you've been thorught it havent you! So sorry about your baby, theres a lovely poem on here ill get the link for you in a min. Welcome to the forum! You'll have plenty of support on here hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months

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Old Sep 7th, 2006, 06:11 AM   3
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Hi hun, firstly welcome to the forum...
secondly you're not wrong even Eastenders couldn't make that up
I'm so sorry for what you've been through and for your losses.
There's a seat saved for you in 1st tri to chat about all your worries, and theres room for whoever needs it in the Angels Garden (the poem Lauz is talking about is in there under - poem - don't read if hormonal)

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly, love to you and your family


Old Sep 7th, 2006, 06:11 AM   4
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there you go hun x

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