We had planned to have our little one at a birthing unit. Just me, my partner and the midwife in the room.
We live in New Zealand but are from the UK. My Mum, Grandma, Sister and her boyfriend (who I had never met) were due to arrive in NZ Nov 30th and baby was due December 5th.
My family arrived and we spent the 1st December walking around malls and the city centre for roughly 5 hours. I was exhausted! I dropped my family off at the supermarket and I had to pop to a DIY store up the road. As soon as I set off I felt an awful pain like I needed the toilet. QUICKLY! So I dashed home (half way between the supermarket and DIY store), ran to the toilet but the pain had gone. I grabbed my keys to leave again and the pain came back, so I legged it to the loo. The pain, again, disappeared. I got a glass of water, drank it then set off out the door again. The pain came back again and I thought... Oh dear, I think this is it!
I called my partner who just happened to be at the front door, having left work early. I told him I thought it was starting and he said "probably not, it'll just be BH"... With that, the pain came back and I was on the floor!
He went to collect my family and when they got back he called the midwife. She arrived around 6pm and did in internal examination. By this point, I was already in a LOT of pain and sure baby was on her way soon.
But the midwife told me I had 12-14 hours before I needed to go to the hospital. I was like "nope, I'm telling you she's coming soon".
Anyway, unbeknownst to me, the midwife had told my partner to give me Paracetamol and Cocodamol. She told him it wouldn't do anything for the pain but would have a placebo effect. In reality, it blew my socks off and there are two hours I still can't remember to this day, where apparently I was asking my mum to remove my hips because I didn't need them and I tried to get in the car and drive myself to the hospital
I was having extremely painful contractions by this point and they were getting closer together. At 9pm I went to the toilet and my water broke. I heard the splash, looked at my partner and asked him if the baby was in the toilet haha
As soon as my water broke, I needed to push! I hobbled into the living room and told my mum and partner and my partner said "no I doubt you do" but my mum took one look at me, yelled at my partner to call the midwife and she laid me down on my bed, trying to recall how to stop pushing during labour.
The midwife came over (roughly half an hour later!!) and told me she thought baby had moved her position and I didn't really need to push! She did another IE and said "oh my god don't push, don't push! I can feel the head!"
She told me to breathe through the feeling that I needed to push and that she had to call an ambulance as she had no delivery tools with her. The ambulance arrived and they brought in the bed and she just shook her head and said "we don't have time!".
She was ordering my family about, telling hem what to do... Grandma was holding a mirror at the end of the bed so I could get a good visual idea of when to push, partner was on the bed at the side of me holding my hand, Mum was on my other side mopping my brow, sister's boyfriend (who I had met 24 hours earlier!) was heating towels with the hairdryer by the side of the bed, one paramedic was stood idly at the other side of the room wondering what to do with himself and the other paramedic was tending to my sister who had passed out in the hallway
All this whilst I was butt-naked on the bed, covered in sick because I'd had a reaction to the one puff of gas and air I had, and the midwife telling me I needed to push harder or she'd have to snip me and my baby was being born into a bunch of plastic supermarket bags we had put down to protect the bed!
Our birth plan definitely was not stuck to!!!
Gowd, I can't stand it when no on listens to the pregnant lady!! Especially the midwife
Hilarious stories!!! I forgot to mention while I was in labor with my first I was in such a long induction. After having epi I couldn't feel my legs from waist down and it was weird. Everytime a dr came in to check progress I'd immediately say "don't touch my legs! They're dead". Lol. Cue the weird looks. Then I started farting uncontrollably and when I realized it was me I was constantly apologizing. It was the most embarrassing moment ever! Not being able to feel or know u are even farting. Drs and nurses tried to just ignore my apologies until I started laughing hysterically. DH thought I lost it.
Fast forward that night I was in excruciating pain. Back to back contractions and an epi that was no longer working. I was delusional on pain meds and on oxygen when an orderly came into the room to clean up the trash can. DH was asleep in a chair and I couldn't see straight I whispered for him to come closer. When he did I grabbed him by the collar and whispered "help me" . Lol! He looked mortified and began explaining that he was just a janitor and wasn't a dr but said he would call my nurse. I yanked off my oxygen mask and yelled " forget her, where is my cock-sucking dr!!!!" Hubby woke up and was shocked to hear such language coming out of my mouth he thought I was asleep! So by then 10ppl filled the room and I once again started apologizing for my uncontrollable farts!
Before even leaving for the hospital, OH decided to take a shower. Found him in the bath peacfully trimming his toenails when cx were 5 min apart. He apparently didnt believe I was in labour.
I was slightly dizzy from g&a and kept telling hubby that on a photo in delivery room, the child in the middle is the cutest. There were only four children...
When instructed to hold my legs below my knees while pushing told midwife that I had my knees since birth and I know what I'm doing. A moment after I announced that if she finds it neccesary, she can hold my knees and kicked her. No shame, she was rather nasty.
Had a wet towel for my forehead. At 9 cm, told hubby to take it and strangle me with it.
I was convinced that babies start crying once the head is out and panicked why he was silent. But when he came out I was so relieved that I completely forgot about the crying.
Sent hubby to check on the number of fingers 5 times. He jokingly told me he has 6 snd I was so out of it I kept saying that's excellent.
That's all I remember right now. It was a good birth.
Mines a more embarrassing after it was all done and dusted and a few weeks down the line when we were proudly sharing all our new born pics and someone pointed out the huge jug of my wee in the background of all the pics including the one we had framed, I cant empty my bladder properly due to an old kidney issue so the midwives kindly drained it for me it was heaven I never ever noticed they didnt get rid of the jug of wee
Here's one of mine (I won't bore you with all of them!)...
After a fairly traumatic end to my 23 hour labour with DS during which I'd had an epidural, the midwife was quietly writing up my notes and we were admiring our tiny boy when I heard a huge fart.
I tutted, looked at my husband in disgust and apologised to the midwife for my husband's manners when he pointed out it was me!! All three of us burst into laughter and the more I laughed, I more I farted!
It went on for about ten minutes by which time, the head midwife had come in to see what all the noise was all about 🙈
My midwife's parting words to me as I was being wheeled to the ward were 'in my 22 years in midwifery, I've never had a farter like you' 😂
Hahahaha oh gosh I've just sat here and read the entire thread!! Soooo funny. I'm a vet (and also the queen of saying inappropriate things even when not on G&A) so am dreading my next labour, getting high as a kite and discussing suture patterns with the midwife or something - LOL
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