My daughter wasnt a iscarriage she was 5 days old but Ive had similar comments including
'Ah well never mind'
'Least you have the other 2' Oh yes great consolation!
'You can have another' Babies ARENT replacable ffs
'Well, you got longer than I did' From my sister who had several early miscarriages herself.
'Maybe it was for the best'- My own mum!
'Least she was only 5 days old and didnt have a personality' DP's Mum
'These things happen for a reason' Please god damn tell me what reason there could be?
Thats absolutely shocking!!
After my second MC my mom said to me it wasnt meant to be and mine and DH genes must not mix xx
Right things to say: so sorry you lost your child!!??
I don't think those who have never had this experience have any concept of how we feel about it - I admit I didn't! Maybe it would be a good idea to start a positive thread - how to help/what to say to someone who has miscarried/lost a baby. But then we are all so different in how we deal with it that might not work?
I'm getting really fed up with people's reactions to my need to try again:
you should wait, let yourself heal blah blah blah... I know I won't feel better until I know that I CAN carry a baby again!
Positive things to say:
- I'm here for you.
- Really sorry to hear what you're going through.
- Sorry to hear that you lost your baby.
I agree it's impossible to know what to say to someone, and the majority of people who say the comments above don't realise that they can come across as being insensitive.
I think the important thing to understand is that people don't want to brush away or "forget" what's happened to them. If someone's mum died, you wouldn't say "maybe it was for the best", or "at least you've still got your dad". It's the same in this instance. We want our babies to be recognised as beings in their own right... not a bundle of cells or as "the product of pregnancies"!
SIL: Given a choice between you and an "unborn" I would choose you in a heartbeat
Me: I would have given my life to save my baby
SIL: even if it was deformed?
Me: I would rather think of my baby as a perfect angel, not a deformed child
SIL: of course you would. This unborn wasn't meant for the world though.
First of all, stop calling my baby an "unborn". If she had actually been there that night, she would have known that I held my perfect little angel in my hands. NOT unborn, just too little to survive on her own.
This especially hurt as she is two weeks behind where I would have been. One would think that she would have been more sensitive.
She continued on to ask me questions about spotting and whatnot. I just wanted to say to her "I didn't have spotting until I started to miscarry. Is that what you want to hear?" But I refrained and instead told her that I didn't want to be a part of her pregnancy cause it was just too hard for me.
I agree... with you ladies.. the right thing to say sometimes is nothing at all.. be there to listen to us.. be the shoulder we run to.. let us talk.. dont tell us it wasnt meant to be.. everything happens for a reason..my SIL even told me.. I dont know what Id do without my baby.. *that isnt helpful!!*
This is my favorite poem/saying!!!
"Don’t tell me that you understand.
Don’t tell me that you know.
Don’t tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.
Don’t come at me with answers
That can only come from me.
Don’t tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Accept me in my ups and downs.
I need someone to share.
Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say, “My friend, I care"
I have heard so many of those things!!! I hate the " it wasnt the right time" WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME! I love my partner, we have been together 8yrs, we long for a baby so how is it not the right time! Gurrrrrrrr xxx
i've had alot of those ones too. mainly with my previous losses.
the most hurtful one was when df rang his dad to tell him the news about jessica he couldnt talk to him as he broke down so he passed the phone to me. his dad talked to me and then said are you going to stop now. at that moment in time i just said yes we have our two girls and we are grateful for them but it really hurt. i think now everyone in our familys think we should just stop but its not as easy as that iykwim.
especially since his dad and his wife went through the same thing before they had dfs half brother. so they must know that pain of losing a child in the 2nd trimester and then the longing afterwards to have your baby back but you cant so then the longing to be pg again pops up.
i have had alot of lovely comments though. most of them along the lines of really sorry for your loss know how much you wanted this baby and another if we could make it all better for you we would in a heartbeat/if we could bring your little girl back we would. things like that. god bless online friends as they seem to be the most sympathetic. x
I didnt have a miscarriage my son died at 12 days but Ive had some upsetting things said to me, the one i hate most is 'your young you can try again' Its still so fresh why would I want to try again why would i want another baby? I dont I just want MY baby MY Alex!!!! If people dont know what to say they should just say im sorry or hope your coping as well as expected or im here if u need me not say stupid things that will offend! (sorry if it comes across as a rant im having a bad day!) xxxx
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