My baby was born sleeping on 29th July 2009 and I've had most of these comments but I've listed the main ones below!
I've had the typical:
"It's God's Way!" Well God have f off and give me my baby back!
"There's always next time!" Well I want Chloe I don't want next time!
"You're still young you can have more!" But I want Chloe not another!
I think the worst was from my dad and he said;
"Don't show anyone the photo's cause it's not what people want to see! You wouldn't see it on TV!" She was a miniture baby thats all! My perfect baby!
It's so annoying! My friend (who recently m/c) and I have a good old bitc.h about people like this whenever we've got a bottle of wine!
In defence to some of us who have genuine foot in mouth issues when someone we know loses a baby.................we don't know what to say!! Some thinks said are just hurtful, but people who haven't experienced it do not have any idea how it feels and we do not set out to hurt you.
And yes Abortion and Loss are very different, but they can leave you feeling the same. I only had one because I was raped and I felt that at 16 that was what I 'had' to do - so as not to disappoint my parents etc. Every day after that I regretted my decisions and it mentally and physically affected me. So much so that I am now becoming increasingly paranoid that as pay back for what I did I will have Emma taken from me so I am staying awake at night to watch over her in case something happens to her .
This time DH and I were not particularly trying, but also were not preventing having another child. We had decided a few years ago (after my third loss) that we were done trying (we had a successful pg the third time around).
When I found out I was pregnant a month ago, I was extremely excited. Then it all was taken away a few short weeks later to end in a D&C at 8wks.
someone said well, at least you weren't really trying.
ummmm......I don't think that makes it any better. I was extremely happy to be pg even if it was a surprise...and am just totally shocked that someone who knows what I have been through in my marriage with fertility issues would say that.
Mother-in-law: Complains about her sons (including my husband) in the past sense when they were children and even now as adults, and says "Are you sure you really want children anyway?". Ugh. You can't divorce a mother-in-law when you still love and are married to her son, but you sure as h#ll don't have to answer the phone when she calls...
I found this poem the other day and after posting it on the Stillbirth, Neo-Natal Loss & SIDS board I thought I'd post it here so that people who are coming on here to find out what to say know how it feels for a mother to loose her child;
A Mother's Grief
You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go
How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see
You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The moment I start to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.
Because I am so lonely,you see,
friends no longer come around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.
Everyone avoids me now,
I guess they don't know what to say
They told me I'll be there for you,
then turned and walked away.
Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call and screaming to the phone,
My God, my child is dead?
No one will let me say the words
I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?
I am tired of pretending
my heart hammers in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.
How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child who in your arms grows cold?
Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their childs casket,
watched it perched above a grave?
You cannot imagine what it was like
for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.
If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.
Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say " My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."
Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do to.
I swear that I'll remember till the day
I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.
Kelly Cummings 12/8/03
I've sent this to many friends and it's helped them understand. Although they don't come and hold my hand I still feel that they understand now. They no longer make silly comments or ask if I'm ok without wanting to hear the answer.
I have only been experiencing this for about 12 hours now but already I have had people tell me I am young and can get pregnant again, that there was something wrong with them, that it is just natures way of eliminating the ones with problems, etc. Even though that is likely true we can have more children - these babies mean some much to me. They are our heart and souls. We don't want "another baby" - we wanted these babies.
When I asked my partner why and said I wanted to understand why - he said it is no ones fault and said "God knew our babies were so sweet, so perfect that they got to go straight home. It wasn't that there was something wrong with them...they were perfect and they taught us what love is. They did their job and did what they were sent to do. Our love set them free to go home to the Lord." He said this through tears and while I sobbed until I couldn't see, but the thought that my babies are little Angels is comforting.
following on from what someone else said; male ob-gyns are the worse (while some of them are very good I do wonder why they go into that line of work because they will never 100% be able to sympathise with their female patients!). The one I saw to advise me on my options after I found out about the missed m/c was mostly ok but he made a couple of highly insensitive remarks; one when he found the scan picture the sonographer lady had put in the envelope for me, he ripped it open to see what it was without asking and then said 'I don't really see the point in keeping this; you can't see anything; its just blobs and lines', i had to get him to give it back and then afterwards I looked at it before I was really ready to and felt pretty awful. He also said when I asked if I will be able to see anything when I had the miscarriage at home he said 'no you won't be seeing anything; it will all just be clots; nothing else; just like a heavy period'. As it happened the baby came out in the sac intact; which had I not been mentally prepared for one way or the other would have been pretty shocking considering what I'd been told.
Any opinions, advice, statements or other information expressed or made available on BabyandBump.Momtastic.com by users or third parties, including but not limited to bloggers, are solely those of the respective user or other third party. They do not reflect the opinions of BabyandBump.Momtastic.com and they have not been reviewed by a physician, psychologist or parenting expert or any member of the BabyandBump.Momtastic.com staff for accuracy, balance or objectivity. Content and other information presented on BabyandBump.Momtastic.com are not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, counseling, diagnosis, or treatment. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical or mental health advice from your physician or other qualified health provider because of something you have read on BabyandBump.Momtastic.com. BabyandBump.Momtastic.com does not endorse any opinion, advice, statement, product, service or treatment made available on the website. If you think you have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services immediately.