Hi ladies, I haven't visited the site in many months but I needed to visit today for some support.
I miscarried my second baby in September 2012, it was a mmc, the baby only measured 6 weeks but I was 12 weeks into the pregnancy when the miscarriage occurred. At the time, the pregnancy was rather unexpected and I had a 6 mont old baby girl. I felt a sense of loss after the miscarriage and I re,e,her crying once. I then just sort of got on with things, taking care of my daughter etc.
Last month, my best friend confided in me that she was pregnant. I was absolutely overjoyed for her, as I knew she had been trying to conceive for sometime. I did however suddenly feel an unexpected pang of loss and sadness and for the first time in a while, started to think of my own loss, and the "what could have been"
I am currently fast approaching what would have been my due date. March 21st and I find myself beside myself with grief. I just don't know how to cope, I feel more loss now than I did when the miscarriage occurred, it's like a delayed grief. I found myself washing and organising my daughters old baby clothes. Hanging them up, buying newborn things as if a bab were in the way. I feel as thgh my body is preparing itself for something big, like the memory of the pregnancy is still imprinted upon my subconscious. I cry frequently, I wake from dreams where the doctor made a mistake, there was a twin pregnancy and the baby is due any day. It is absolutely awful. I am currently due to ovulate. This would be my absolute last chance to conceive before my due date and I find myself desperate to become pregnant. I want something to celebrate as the due date occurs. I am dreading the date passing at the moment.
It doesn't help that my husband outright told me today there would be no more babies for a while. I'm at a complete loss.
OH refused to TTC after our loss as I wanted to start again immediately. LO had just turned 5months a couple weeks before we found out and then 6months right after we dealt with our loss. I had actually bought some things for his sister who is expecting. I picked up this one little red sleeper. It hangs in our coat closet with some of LO's things. I had secretly already claimed it as my own and wasn't planning on giving it turn her. It hurts every time I see it but I can't bear to put it away. I find myself wanting to stash away baby clothes etc. like you when I go shopping. It's so hard not too. I have such a strong gut feeling that this would have been a girl. I had to stop myself from buying her little boots the other day. I had already dug out the newborn size and had the box opened before I realized what I was doing. I left the store crying. It's very hard to deal with and I am sorry for your loss. Big
Thank you for your kind responses, it's comforting to know I'm not alone I'm this. I find myself shocked because I was so confident that I was ok with everything that happened. My friend called me yesterday and I confessed to her how I was feeling, she told me she had expected it because she said I seemed to just gloss over my feelings after the loss. I have talked to my husband about my grief coinciding with the upcoming due date, he was very supportive and apologised for not recognising I was so upset. He even made love to me this morning, without using protection, and he knows I am in my fertile window. I take this as his way of showing me he is sorry and that if trying again now means this much to me, he will do it.
I do feel a little better after pouring out my feelings, I'm still stockpiling neutral baby clothes. But I do feel like I am at least finally addressing my loss and I do know that my actions are a result of that loss.
I'm so glad you made love and hope you are now pregnant!!
Sorry for your loss and glad your husband sounds like he's coming around. My psychologist told me last week that because men don't feel the same biological clock ticking, they can't relate as much to our I want to try again now! feelings that are so natural after a MC. I'm trying not to be impatient, but I think your feelings and all of ours, of wanting to TTC right away are completely natural
hey dear, it's great to know that you are now starting to process your loss. and great to know your OH and your friends are so supportive and understanding.
it is a hard process but it is good that you started it now, it happens that people just put their grief away, glance over it superficially and then it surges up years after, with way more problems.. due date is a great trigger for everybody, so is the anniversary of miscarriage, and although painful, i think this process is healthy for you to go through.
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