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Old Mar 10th, 2013, 06:16 AM   1
Greener Grass
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rambling! not for the faint hearted


I don't even know what to call this thread, I just want to put my feelings down

As some of you know, I had my second miscarraige last month. I had my first one in july 2012. My first miscarraige killed me, It took me many many months to feel normal again. I lost my best friends through it. (after 9 days they told me to get over it and be happy for what i've got not sad for what i don't!!!!) It was so hard.

I should've been due 10 days ago today. This past two weeks has been really hard, Especially knowing that I should have a baby now. We went away on holiday this week Mon-fri. I booked this last year when I knew this would be a bad week. made ten times worse by the fact we have just had our second loss The problem is the amount of people there with bumps and young babies. I find that I HATE pregnant women i stare at their bumps and actually hate them because they are pregnant. I look at young kids with a sadness. After trying for 3 years I should have a young child or at least a baby

Emotionally my second loss has had a much less impact on me. I feel guilty for this. I almost feel as if i am dishonouring my baby by not being hit as hard as the first time. With my first i was a wreck, I named my baby and bought a keepsake. With my second I still haven't named them and have no keepsake. I really don't know why. I keep thinking about it and then never come to a decision and stop thinking about it. My keepsake for my first is a ring and I think i haven't bought a keepsake for my second as I am now so worried i will continue to have loss after loss and end up with 10 different rings. I have really thought about a tattoo but again how many tattoos am i going to end up with i just wish I knew how many losses I am going to have so I can plan accordingly (have you guessed i'm a control freak?)

I feel guilty for the impact my losses and my general infertility have had on my son. I almost feel as if i have wasted 3 years of my life obsessed with ttc then an emotional wreck from my miscarraiges and it is just not fair on him. When i had my second loss last month my son started wetting the bed after many many months dry. I didn't tell him about the baby this time but I really worry this is because of my behaviour, because I was a mess and basically sat wellowing in self pity. I made more of a fuss of him and gave him more attention and he stopped. now two weeks on he has started again and I am back feeling guilty. I don't know what to do. I feel so angry at myself for affecting him this way and don't know how to make him stop. I generally just feel like a shit mother.

Everyone you speak to has the opinion you will get pregnant one day don't worry!!! I keep telling people i cannot continue to have miscarraiges. THey break my heart and destroy me. I said after the last I could not cope with a second and here I am. I'm really thinking maybe its easier the second time round because you've been there done it all before? i really don't know. I am by no means 100% after my first so maybe i didn't have as much to fall this time

I don't even know what i am trying to say, i just needed to put my feelings down. I have noone to talk to about my miscarraige. I have no friends where I live as I lost the only friends the first time. I am not from this area. me and my husband do not talk about the miscarraige, it seems to be a taboo subject. I do not talk to any of my family anymore ( another very long story!!!), i just feel so alone in the world. Sometimes I look at my son and my husband and think they would be better off without me. I am aware I have depression. I was on anti depressants before my first loss. But i came off them just before I miscarried and then when i did miscarry the first thing my mum said to me was - do you think the anti depressants caused it? so I am now terrified to go back on them despite desperatly needing them.

I hate leaving the house, everywhere I turn is a reminder I'M NOT PREGNANT. wether its bumps or babies, women pushing prams. people with lots of kids. even supermarkets are TORTURE. everywhere baby items or people with babies in trolleys or even pregnant women. argh. i just want to scream. Why does life have to be so hard.

I am trying to be proactive about ttc after a year of not trying anything and getting pregnant twice, i have decided to go back to temping, opk's, bding every 2-3 days, taking prenatals etc. once apon a time I did everything you could think of and didn't get pregnant so I am a little reluctant to try too much because not only did it take over my life last time I also did not get pregnant.

thank you for reading if you have got this far. It really is just a huge jumble of whats going on in my head. not really sure what i'd do without you ladies



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Old Mar 10th, 2013, 07:08 AM   2
sedgeez
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i really have no words to make you feel better as im feeling rubbish myself. it must be exceptionally hard with your due date passing.

i hope your ok and im here if you ever need a chat




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Old Mar 10th, 2013, 07:24 AM   3
Greener Grass
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thank you It just feels very cruel having a second loss two weeks before my due date I should've been 12 weeks at that time and annoucing instead of grieving for two babies instead of one.

Thank you for reading my rubbish post. I hope you're ok xxx



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Old Mar 10th, 2013, 07:34 AM   4
sedgeez
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greener Grass View Post
thank you It just feels very cruel having a second loss two weeks before my due date I should've been 12 weeks at that time and annoucing instead of grieving for two babies instead of one.

Thank you for reading my rubbish post. I hope you're ok xxx


i can see how it feels like having salt rubbed in your wound really. its already a hard time for you anyway and now you have your 2nd loss to cope with too.

i hope you feel better soon.



xxx



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Old Mar 10th, 2013, 14:23 PM   5
sunflower82
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I understand how your feeling I just had
A mc a week ago and I can't get over it
I don't think I ever will I just keep saying
Why me god I'm still in shock everything was
Going so well then a mc out of no where



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Old Mar 10th, 2013, 14:44 PM   6
Greener Grass
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflower82 View Post
I understand how your feeling I just had
A mc a week ago and I can't get over it
I don't think I ever will I just keep saying
Why me god I'm still in shock everything was
Going so well then a mc out of no where
it does get easier with time. The ladies on here are wonderful and will provide you with support and answers to all your questions. Be kind to yourself. Mc is a major life event. You will get there in time x



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Old Mar 10th, 2013, 15:04 PM   7
LucyLake
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Wow! I love your honesty and thank you for sharing this. I stopped midway and took a crying break because you said everything I've been feeling and more. I think everyone going through this can empathize and relate GreenerGrass.

I teared up reading about your inability to name the baby and get a keepsake this time around. I can see why. It's your way of saying this isn't supposed to be normal God. I refuse to let it be my new normal. I'm going to stand up against it this time. The same thing happened to you the first time, but in a different way. My burial of Logan, my purchases of keepsakes, those photos I look at of his lifeless little body every night....I promise you that it IS because I love my son. But, there's also a selfish reason. I'm saying "God, don't do this to me again, I beg you."

You see, those pictures of my baby are of an abortion. That's what I'm looking at. Oh, how it makes me sick! Misoprostol is basically the same thing as RU486, only my baby WAS already dead. But, it doesn't lessen that I'm so angry about it. God made me have an abortion, my body refused to budge naturally. Yes, he was dead, but the picture I see is my "aborted son." I had been such a pro-life proponent at least for myself and just feel it was ripped away from me. I feel that by looking at those photos of the equivalent of an aborted fetus I'm saying, "God, I know you're not cruel enough to do this to me a second time."

So, by looking at it those photos every night, I honor my baby, BUT I'm subconsciously saying "God, I've suffered enough, don't do this to me again."

And that's what you did the first time. You bought the keepsakes, you named the baby. You thought long and hard about what went wrong and prayed for course correction for that 3rd pregnancy. You did all the right things and tried to re-conceive properly with your pre-natals and Still.......

So this not naming the baby and getting the keepsake is an understandable new defense mechanism

Your son...Oh my gosh I can so relate. For 8 years, I get asked, is one not enough? Why are two children needed? It's mostly my mother who asks. I have always wanted two, it feels like someone is missing at the dinner table. But, I constantly get the "we have too many kids in the world already." This coming from someone who had 3 between ages 25-32. "I was hoping you'd divorce your husband instead" who is from a different country than me and is a different religion.

So you have to remember this: every time your son wets the bed and you feel like you're not parenting him enough because you want to TTC, remember all the other things happening simultaneously in your mind and body. Don't feel guilty. Why? Because, you want your son to have nieces and nephews. That's not wrong You want your son to not have to walk alone in this world when you and your husband likely die first. You want him to have a playmate, it's hard to put together playdates and find suitable friends. You want for him to have someone to turn to when he's on his deathbed, a family member who can help with his estate sale, pass heirlooms to children, etc. That's not wrong. Your body is Telling you you want this 4th baby. Notice how I said 4th, our angels are always counted. That's not something you can just fight. Your biological clock was ticking before you ever had that first MC. After each one those hormones made it tick just a little louder. That's not wrong.

There are girls in Pregnancy First Trimester talking about everything from Wellbutrin to Zoloft. There is no way I believe your mom. Those babies are okay with great heartbeats and those girls are still on anti-depressants and anxiety drugs

It's hard without family and certain friends, isn't it? This process really reveals who your real friends are. I fear I've lost my sister forever, but I truly believe that if things fell apart, it was coming for a very long time. The MC was just the last straw in the relationship. But, it's funny how close my husband and I are now. It wasn't always so. Just a year ago, I would have never heard him on a long distance phone call telling his parents "we are trying as soon as she has her first AF." To hear those words at 7 am this morning, OMG I can't tell you how it moved me. I am so grateful to this little baby who brought me and my husband closer than ever. It's what I dreamed about for so long, that he'd be fully onboard without any prodding for baby #3. The same thing holds true with my son. He is 8 and so adorable. Do you know, he wrote this story in school about heroes and I was his hero because I got through the MC and buried my own baby? I've never been so proud of him or myself as I've been weathering this MC. I also find that I appreciate him more now. Time is fleeting so I'm making the most of it with him. If he wants ice cream, we have ice cream these days. I find myself taking him to play more and running with him again like I did when he was a toddler. Like your son, he's had a few issues since the MC....distracted at school....not paying attention and getting a test answer he knows and knows well wrong. But, there are positive things that have happened and so I'm saying look for those in your son and you will find them. The bed-wetting will pass

The pregnant girls. It's been hard for me for 8 years. My sister effortlessly had baby, baby, baby. She's 20 months younger than me and I have 3 nieces under the age of 7. The youngest one-she about lay down and died when they said baby girl. Do you know how I would have KILLED for that to be my baby boy? She expressed discontent when I revealed my pregnancy this time. Why? She wanted the youngest grandchild.

Likewise, my mom who is not grandmotherly or really motherly for that matter had 3 of us...2 girls and a boy all by 32. Her attitude towards me? Why the heck can't you be one and done??!! Get over yourself! Similarly, my paternal grandmother who had 4 boys by age 24 in quick succession starting at 19 hasn't called, hasn't written, no sympathy card.

Friends have been amazing in my case. But, I've hidden a few on FB who are doing those I'm 20 weeks and have my Scan today, any gender guess posts.

Celebrities are driving me nuts. All of them seem to be pregnant right now! I was happy for Holly Madison though and her new daughter Rainbow. I wonder if she miscarried before and named her daughter to honor that?

We can temp together and chart. I am only because I want to see where my cycles go. But, I will NOT temp once I get a No way do I want the worry of it going steadily down.

My prayers are with you, I can't tell you how much. You are never alone and you are so NOT rambling!! Love to you and your family



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Old Mar 10th, 2013, 20:09 PM   8
Greener Grass
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Thank you so much Lucy. Your words have touched me more than you can ever know. There is so many things I want to say but right now I am on my phone. It would probably take me all night to type what I want to say so I will reply tomorrow but thank you thank you thank you. You are fast becoming my hero and my role model xxx



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Old Mar 10th, 2013, 20:38 PM   9
LucyLake
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I meant to tell you earlier that you truly don't have to write back Greener Grass, I know what I wrote is super long It helped me also to write the words because I really have felt all you've been feeling as well I'm smiling as I type this because your post provided a huge breakthrough for me today and made me realize why I'm doing some of the things I do You have helped me more than you know thank you



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Old Mar 10th, 2013, 21:12 PM   10
Nimyra
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I can relate a lot to what you say about feeling guilty for not being a good-enough mother to your son. I feel the same way right now about my parenting. I'm just not cutting it. Today I wasn't watching my daughter attentively and she nearly got out of the yard before my husband saw her and ran after her. It makes you feel like a failure when you see how you are letting down the people who mean the most to you in the whole world.

And at the same time... the truth is, the loss is so fresh. I am running on fumes right now. I have no extra emotional energy to spare.

I need to fill back up.

And until I manage to do so, there is less to go around for my husband, my daughter, and my friends.

I don't know what the solution is.

I did think that what Lucy wrote about wanting to give your son close family is beautiful. That *is* why we do this. Why we put ourselves through so much. It really does matter.

And it requires of us great courage.



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