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Old Nov 1st, 2013, 22:57 PM   1
kc8558
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Miscarriage with Mirena


I have never joined a forum before, but I just feel so very lost. I found out I was pregnant June 19, 2013. I couldn't help but be happy, even though I had a Mirena implant(I was very worried too, Mirena pregnancies don't usually have positive outcomes, I knew). I had been wanting to get pregnant for a few months, but the hubby wasn't ready.

I called my OB/GYN immediately, and got an appointment for the following day(June 2) with the Nurse Practitioner. That wasn't what I wanted, but they WOULD NOT work me in to see my doctor. The NP insisted on taking the Mirena out(per my doctor's orders), even saying that removing the Mirena would NOT cause a miscarriage. I had done the research(except I didn't go to Mirena's website, I was kinda upset w/them and childishly refused to go to their website), but a medical professional was telling me that my research was all wrong anyway. She repeated it 3 times that removal of the Mirena would not cause miscarriage. I wanted an ultrasound, and the NP even suggested one, but after speaking to my doctor, the NP said that she(my doctor) didn't think it was necessary to have one, that I just needed the Mirena removed.

After speaking with the NP, and explaining my fears about Mirena removal, and after she said 3 times that removing it would not cause miscarriage, I turned to my husband(who I in no way blame, the NP SHOULD NOT have given inaccurate information) and asked if it made sense to him. He said it did. At that point, I just thought I was completely wrong, so I allowed the removal.

The removal was a horrific experience. We actually didn't know if it was even in there. The NP searched around for 5 minutes, saying I don't see it, I don't see it. Then, oh, there it is. I was heartbroken. My husband came up and grabbed my hand, I turned my head and just started to have tears flow softly. The inept NP kept saying, I can't get it, and was shoving the forceps, or whatever, around trying to grasp the strings for about 10-15 minutes. She then had me go to the bathroom to empty my bladder saying that might be the problem, even though there was basically no urine in my bladder. I came back in and after another 5-10 minutes she finally removed the device.

I didn't have any problem after the removal for a few days. I was called with an HCG level of 1092. Then, after a few days, the bleeding and cramping began. I had been so happy for those few days. The heartbreak that I went through was horrific, as many on this forum have probably experienced as well. It was a very strange miscarriage as well, not only because the chances of getting pregnant on Mirena is so very low. The pregnancy went into my abdominal cavity(I finally saw a very good specialist who is absolutely amazing, and not affiliated with my former OB/GYNs office). It was actually a good thing that I miscarried because had it grown it could have killed me that way(I would have had to make a choice for my life versus a new child's). Babies can grow outside of the uterus, I was shocked and had no idea. But I was still heartbroken for my and my husband's loss. The only thing that got me through was my prayer, and gifts of verse that I felt pressed upon me through prayer that very much uplifted me.

Here are my problems:

It has been over 4 months, and my heart is still broken. I want to try again, but my husband doesn't. I understand his reasoning, there was a reason I was on Mirena. We are working on our careers, have 1 wonderful little girl that we are paying for an expensive preschool at the moment, I'm back in school to get a second degree, my husband works third shift, we are in financial hardships like everyone else, tons of debt. A baby would make that all a lot harder. I intellectually know all this, but emotionally and deep inside, I know I still want a baby.

I also blame myself for this miscarriage. I can't stop. I feel so responsible. I knew when I got Mirena that if I got pregnant I would probably have a miscarriage. When I had Mirena inserted, I had just had a very rough first pregnancy: gestational diabetes, eclampsia, hospitalized for 2 weeks before my little girl came, 1 week after she came early. She was in the NICU for 2 weeks, quit breathing and couldn't regulate her temperature, she was 4lbs 12oz. I had a breakdown after all of this. I was hospitalized and separated from my brand new baby for over a week due to my breakdown(I had a very stressful pregnancy: had just graduated from college, gotten a very stressful out of college first career job, got married, bought a house, went into the hospital, had an aunt get in my face, literally 2 inches away, and yell that I had to snap out of my sadness after my hard pregnancy. Who wouldn't have a breakdown?) So, when the nurse told me over the phone about the risks of Mirena and miscarriage, after all I had went through, I told my husband, well, if I do get pregnant I'll just have a miscarriage. Like it would be no big deal. Like it would be nothing. I try to forgive myself, knowing what I was going through then. But I can't stop with the, why didn't I choose a different method of BC? Why did I have to use one that if I was pregnant would most likely kill my baby. I feel as if I killed the life inside me by choosing to get the awful device.

Third problem: I keep hoping I will get pregnant(I hope the condom will break, I haven't went back on BC yet). I can't stop this desire to have a baby. Not to replace the one that I lost, but almost as a way for some healing. I have probably taken 15-20 pregnancy tests since the miscarriage.

Final problem: I know I need to go back on BC, but I have done massive amounts of research, and just don't want any chemical in my body. They all have risks of miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, etc. I am thinking about using a diaphragm, but don't really even want to do that. My husband and I had unprotected sex last week, and I fervently hope that I got pregnant, and I know that is not what we really need right now. But I can't stop the desire.

I just feel lost. If you have read this far, thank you. I know this was long, but it goes over and over inside me every single day. If you have any suggestions thank you.



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Old Nov 2nd, 2013, 00:37 AM   2
LeahLou
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I am so so sorry for your loss kc. There's nothing worse than getting that crazy amazing, scary, exciting surprise positive test just for your emotions to be flipped and cut at the knees.
I hope it's comfort to know you're not alone. I had 2 mc's on the Mirena.

The first was in January. My OB didn't believe me even though we knew in the past that my BC failed. My first was conceived on the pill. So she got me an appt with the NP who reluctantly did all the tests that proved I was right. They told me there was little hope that the baby would survive so they sent me home without removing the IUD. I started bleeding a couple days later. They never followed up and said I naturally mc'd at home.

The next was in April. I had never been the same after the first, still horrible cramps, and terrible back pain. I got a positive test and I called the doctor. I begged them to take it out. I didn't want what happened the first time to happen again. That, like yours, was AWFUL. It hurt so bad and my sweet husband tried to comfort me. But the next day I started bleeding so bad and tons and tons of clots that all I did was sit in the bathroom and take showers. Called the doctor and they said it was all part of miscarriage.

I changed doctors after that because mine retired. We went to my new one when I got my next positive. She was extremely upset with not only how they handled it but they didn't record most of what happened. So, she's had to go off of what I've told her! Because they didn't follow up, it caused my 3rd and possibly 4th mc because there was leftover tissue. It's been a really long process and gut wrenching.

With the whole trying thing, have you told your hubby your feelings about it? I felt the same way after the first mc. If there is so much going on, maybe he's trying to be smart about it. But I would definitely talk to him and tell him how much it's really affected you. For us, after the latest loss, we both agreed that we want our take home baby. It may not be the best timing right now between my 2 businesses & my MIL living with us, but honestly, what is good timing? As long as we're financially sound, have a roof over our heads, and our relationship is healthy, what's better? (the MIL WILL be moving out soon )

I also blamed myself for things like not changing doctors sooner. It's taken a while, lots of tears, and lectures from both my new doctor and husband that there wasn't anything we could've done differently. We were new and naive to any sort of problems and I just couldn't swallow the fact that my (old) favorite doctor could be wrong.

How I've gotten through a lot of it is letting myself grieve when I need to, talk about it so I don't keep it pent up, and time.

Sorry this was so long, but I hoped it helped!! If you need anything or just need someone to listen to you, message me anytime



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Old Nov 2nd, 2013, 19:30 PM   3
kc8558
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Tennessee
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LeahLou,
I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. One miscarriage was awful, I couldn't imagine subsequent ones. My heart goes out to you. I hope you are happy with your new doctor. I am also changing doctors after this experience.
I've talked to my husband about trying to have another, but he is adamant that it is not the right time. I really do agree with him, it would be very, very difficult. Like you said though, when is the right time for a baby? Everyone is always busy. I just don't think he understands my emotions about it at all though. This is not to say that he wasn't very sad when I miscarried. He was. He was also very supportive and comforting. I think to him it is over though. He has mourned, but he has recovered. When I was on Mirena, I never had AF. Now I do, and every month I am reminded, and just can't get past it. I really don't know how to explain to him what I'm feeling. When I have talked to him about it, he takes it as I want to replace the baby. It wouldn't be a replacement, but I don't know how to explain that to him.
When your husband and doctor tell you it's not your fault, how do they tell you to deal with it? Everyone that says those things to me say, stop blaming yourself or it wasn't your fault. These are niceties, yes, but if it was that easy to not blame myself or easy to understand that it wasn't my fault, I would already be doing that. When people say these things to me I wonder, and sometimes even ask, How? How do I stop blaming myself? Never has anyone had an answer. I guess when you say grieve, talk and take time, that's all that I can do. It's just been 4 months, so I thought I should be mostly better by now.
Thanks so much for your reply. Yours was way shorter than mine so no worry about length!! Haha.



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Old Nov 2nd, 2013, 19:32 PM   4
kc8558
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BTW, sorry that my reply was one long paragraph. I'm new to this and forgot that I needed to enter twice. I tried to see a way to remove and then re-do it, but didn't see a way.



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Old Nov 2nd, 2013, 21:23 PM   5
LeahLou
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I am beyond happy with my doctor now!
Thanks girl, it's been a tough year.
I know exactly what you mean with your hubby. It's very different for men. My hubby's the same way. He was sad for a while but then it was over. I think it takes a while for them to even get used to pregnancy let alone process a loss. Unlike for us, it's our body. That sweet one was growing inside us and that's a hard concept for me to grasp sometimes let alone a man.

I think processing is different for everyone. For me, my outlet is talking and baking. So I've made pies, cakes, cookies, pastries and everything in between. I talk to my mom and my man to get it out and cry when I need to. What's a positive outlet that helps you? What gets your mind off things? Talking? A hobby?
I think for me, I'm so numb from 4, that it's hard to tap into those emotions because I've put a barrier up to protect myself. But I know after the first 2, I blamed myself and went to a dark place. I realized that I was getting no where emotionally, physically or mentally by going down that road and my earth family needed me more than my angel babies. My comfort is that I'll see them again someday.
Don't put a time limit on yourself. It's a death we just didn't meet our babies. People mourn differently.

Don't be sorry!! I won't fault you!

I really hope that helped.



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