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Old Apr 7th, 2015, 12:46 PM   1
pinklady86
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Coping with Miscarriage Alone


On February 6th I found out my boyfriend and I were expecting and I was about 5 weeks. It was my first child, his second. March 9th was our first US and instead of good news we found out the baby had no heartbeat and he/she had stopped developing about 3 weeks prior, around 6wks. My whole life I've wanted nothing more than to have a child so I was crushed and absolutely devastated. My BF was very comforting that day but since then hasn't comforted me at all. He only hugs me when I ask, barely touches me, rarely kisses me, or anything. I've had issues with depression in the past and unfortunately the miscarriage and lack of emotional support/comfort and having to deal with all of this alone has thrown me back into it, deep.

He is an Irag War Vet, Wounded Warrior, and has PTSD. He's battled depression as well in the past due to what he experienced and things he saw when he was in the Army. He says because of that and not wanting to slip back into that mindset and depression he can't be there for me and comfort me because he doesn't want the depression I'm going through to "drag him" back down into that dark place. Logically, I understand where he's coming from. Emotionally, I feel neglected, alone, and abandoned when I need him the most.

I have cried harder than I've ever cried in my life, and felt more pain and heartache that I've ever experienced and he will either just stand there and watch as I break down, he'll go into another room to watch TV, or we fight when I practically beg him to comfort me and still he doesn't.

I understand that he's gone through things in the past and he doesn't want to get into that depression again but I haven't been able to deal with this alone and it hurts soooo much more than it already does that he's basically willing to let me slip further into depression just because he's afraid he might. I don't even want to talk to him about it, I just want him to hold me so that I don't feel like I'm dealing with this alone. But he won't. We have actually fought over it, many times. His lack of comfort, my feeling alone, is making an already unbearable experience so much more heartbreaking than it already is.

I know it bothers him that we lost the baby, and I know its hurt him too. The rare times he's opened up a little and told me how he feels was heartbreaking and I do not want to cause him any additional pain but how I am supposed to get through it without him? The one person who should know what I'm going through better than anyone, the one person who should want more than anything to help me and be there for me the most, wants nothing to do with helping me cope. His lack of emotional support makes me feel like he doesn't care about me at all. His lack of comfort when I need it more than ever is unbelievably painful especially since it's like he'd rather I attempt to cope alone and risk me slipping even further into depression than attempting to be there for me emotionally. The one person who has the ability to help me through this isn't willing. I have no idea how I'm supposed to get through this.



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Old Apr 7th, 2015, 19:48 PM   2
AnnieMac2
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Aw. I am so sorry, sweetie. What do you think about counseling together? He needs to find a way to be able to support you in bad times. There's just no way around it. And even if we look at it from the perspective of trying to protect him, you falling deeper into depression won't make his life easier.

Do you have anyone else there for you? I know it can be hard to find people who understand. I ended up relying mostly on a couple out-of-town friends over text. My husband and I were getting along for the most part, but I still felt alone. It obviously was awful for him, but he moved on so quickly. We don't really connect or have real conversations on the topic. I also have had a pretty severe history of depression. It's a scary thing. You need to find some support somewhere.

Feel free to message me if you think that could help in addition to the public forum. I hate the idea of your post getting buried and waiting for replies. Try and hang in there. Take it day by day, hour by hour, whatever. Try and take good care of yourself as best as you're able. Every bit helps to fight off depression. xoxo



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Old Apr 8th, 2015, 11:36 AM   3
pinklady86
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I have thought about counseling together but I'm afraid to bring it up because I don't feel he'll be receptive to it because he's not one to talk about his feelings. I definitely agree that he needs to be able to support me in bad times. If he was outwardly taking this is hard as I have and if he'd be more open with me about his feelings, I'd be there for him in a heart beat no matter what state of mind I was dealing with. I'm definitely going to bring it up though.

I don't really have a lot of people I can talk to about it. I had an appt with a counselor for myself but I don't have insurance and I couldn't afford it so I had to cancel. Only a handful of people knew I was even pregnant because we chose to wait to spills the beans just in case since miscarriage is so common these days, clearly.

Life dealt me another harsh blow last night... my dog had a very bad seizure while I was at work and by the time I got home and took her to the Emergency vet I had to have her put to sleep. She was only 7. I got her to help me through depression when I first experienced it 7 years ago and to lose her while in the middle of battling depression again is too much to handle right now.



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Old Apr 8th, 2015, 23:43 PM   4
AnnieMac2
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I am so sorry about your dog! What a cruel turn of events. Mine is 13 and suddenly slowing down, which is worrying because I've really depended on her as well. I realize this is very soon, so please don't be offended, but just an idea for when you're ready - my brother was telling me today that he is signing up to be a volunteer at the SPCA. I guess you can just be someone to socialize/play with/walk the dogs. He is having some emotional problems right now and needs the company and distraction, but not ready to commit to a new pet.

Have you looked for any miscarriage support groups? When I got a D&C, the hospital gave me a pamphlet with listings. I've seen a therapist and like her, but now I'm wondering if a support group might be better. I feel like it might be a hard topic for even a good therapist if she hasn't been through it herself. Or maybe I'm just a difficult patient and letting this consume me.

Things will get a little easier eventually. It's still only been a month. Hang in there.



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Old Apr 14th, 2015, 17:51 PM   5
fairytales87
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I am also going through a recent loss on my own it's very hard
If you need to chat I will listen



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