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Old Sep 26th, 2016, 02:57 AM   11
Sweetkat
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It is shit and definitely been the worst year of my life (I was first pregnant exactly a year ago). Also saw hb with last 2 losses and with the Downs one saw it 4 times and everything was measuring perfect by 8 weeks.

Thing is, if that baby had made it it would have had a hard life. I know people have Downs babies and they are happy and everything, but they do have health issues, they do get abuse, they have to deal with a lot.

So for me, it was devastating to have the MC but maybe it saved that baby from suffering??

I don't know, nature is shit. You would have thought it would reject bad embryos at comception, not nearly 11 weeks (my last loss).

We will get our babies in the end!

I am half considering IVF with ICSI and IMSI (although the Dr said as we are getting pregnant naturally he would rather not). So I think natural is still preferred.

Big hugs



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Old Sep 26th, 2016, 08:52 AM   12
LacePrincess
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Thanks Sweetkat. ((((((HUGS!!!!)))))))

Yeah there's no other word for it. Shit and more shit. What else is there to say? LOL

I'm in my depressed mode today. My body is doing NOTHING, not even cramping, so f^%$ck this crap, yk?

It's really sad that all I want now is to pass something recognizable so I have something to bury for closure. I hate that so far, my body's either reabsorbed or broken up the tissue so I don't pass anything that doesn't just look like period. It seems to feel like it somehow minimizes the losses even worse, like my tiny babies never were here, only in my head.......it makes it worse.

I'm also just praying that by Wed, the hb WILL be gone. And then I feel guilt. But the thing is, at 48bpm, that is far far too slow to not have a terrible defect, and I do not want to have to choose termination. I don't. I need nature to take care of it. I also read that in very rare cases, Trisomy 18 babies can be born, but have something like 5% life expectancy by the age of 1. I just.....I can't. I need it to resolve by itself because I don't want a hand in ending the little life, I think that would break me completely yk?

I just think it's tragic that the 'best' I can hope for now is that the little bean dies peacefully on its own and I don't have to choose something I just don't want to choose.

We have our OHIP covered IVF round with ICSI, which we'll do, but we won't pay for more after that. It won't help us since bad sperm is creating our aneuploids. I think if our IVF fails, our next step will probably be PGS tested donor embryos. Neither me nor hubby seem very comfortable yet with the idea of donor sperm IUI, it's not sitting right as an idea.



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Old Sep 26th, 2016, 14:18 PM   13
ReadynWaiting
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Lace I totally understand everything you are feeling. My biggest fear is that I grow a baby and I lose him or her at birth. I'm in a loss support group and and there are far too many that have lost their babies either in the 2nd or 3rd tri or at birth. I don't know how I would survive that.
I'm starting to really consider Ivf but hate to have to go through the whole process. I've had 2 friends that have and it was emotionally draining and physically painful. I'm not totally convinced yet.
Lace I hope things happen soon so you aren't waiting in agony. The last MMC I knew from 7 weeks until 12 weeks that the baby had died. I wanted things to happen naturally and not have another d and c but as luck would have it I hemourraged and had to have one anyways. My thoughts are with you.



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Old Sep 26th, 2016, 19:29 PM   14
LacePrincess
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Thanks so much Ready. The waiting is pretty hard to bear.

IVF wasn't physically hard for me, but it was emotionally stressful. You just put so much time (and usually money) into it....I mean, it takes like a month to even prepare to start (the irony of a month on the pill to do IVF!), then the shots, then the reports, and with us the reports always sucked. Watching all your money go down the drain, realizing every night you've just injected yourself with hundreds of dollars of drugs......it's pretty much a total mindf*ck unless tens of thousands of $$$ is nothing to you.

And of course, if it doesn't work, the disappointment is pretty crushing. I think it's hard for us who have RPL as our problem, to choose IVF. Because we *can* get pregnant on our own, that's not our problem. So it's tough to justify the work and stress of IVF to *maybe* improve our chances? It's such a total gamble.

Oh no way do I want to wait till 12 weeks. I only delayed the Cytotec last week because I couldn't induce the m/c with a hb still there. I'm not sure what I'm going to do this week if the h/b hasn't stopped. My hpt's are fading out a tiny bit, so I really hope that means that the bean has passed away and things are starting to progress.



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Old Sep 28th, 2016, 18:08 PM   15
LacePrincess
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Update, had another scan today. The embryo didn't grow since last week and the heartbeat was gone.

So it was the best outcome we could have hoped for today, we're glad at least that the embryo passed on its own and we didn't have to make a choice about whether to terminate or not. I feel a huge relief that the end is in sight.

We also got a second opinion from a different RE today, he basically thinks I'm superfertile and implanting everything when my body should really be much more selective. He's not really sure why it's happening, but that pretty much agrees with what I think is going on too.



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Old Sep 28th, 2016, 21:50 PM   16
ReadynWaiting
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Lace I'm glad you got the outcome that you were looking for. Now I hope the process to pass everything goes quickly. Again so sorry you are going through this but at least you know where things stand right now.
As for the super fertility thing that was me last year. There isn't a lot out there as far as research or answers but if you come across anything I would be interested to know.



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Old Sep 28th, 2016, 22:00 PM   17
LacePrincess
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Thanks Ready. The relief was incredible - I'm sure the RE thought I had gone around the bend, but it was just such a HUGE weight off my conscience.

What've you tried so far regarding the superfertility problem? Aside from IVF/PGS I haven't seen any solutions. The RE said that they know it happens, but they have no way of turning the uterine receptivity back from "taking all comers" to be more discerning. At least they're studying it but it's not like any treatments will be created for quite awhile.



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Old Sep 28th, 2016, 22:47 PM   18
ReadynWaiting
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So I believe my 'super fertility' became more so after each consecutive pregnancy/miscarriage. I had hormones pumping through my body for a year basically. I think my body was just used to being pg and so it didn't discern between viable and non. In March we took a break to give my body a break which I think maybe reset my body. The past 2 cycles we are back to really ttc and last month I had a positive test for a day (10 dpo) which then turned negative the next day. As crazy as it sounds I'm happy it happened because my body hopefully is recognizing good from not. I guess we will see this cycle what happens. If I get another positive hpt then I may get concerned again that my body is doing what it's supposed to.
As for what we have done- I have been working with a ND/TCM who has been working on making my body as healthy and ready as possible to 'house' another baby. We met with a RE in Jan and I was totally turned off by the whole process and him that we didn't go back. In all of my reading and research I think I'm pretty versed on many issues and treatments but he wouldn't listen to any of it. He basically said my eggs are probably old and he wanted to hyper stimulate them to pop out many at once. To me that just sounds like he's rushing me towards menopause.
If I don't get LH in the next 3 cycles my ND is referring me to someone else. Only time will tell.



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Old Sep 28th, 2016, 22:49 PM   19
ReadynWaiting
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*pregnant not LH



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Old Sep 29th, 2016, 10:36 AM   20
LacePrincess
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Ready, I hear you on the RE. A lot of them just shove you towards IVF no matter what - more $$$ in it for them that way. It can make you very cynical!!

I do love my RE. He's very kind and empathetic with me, and he knows I like info so he always tells me why he's recommending stuff. At first I think he was affronted by my questioning and suggestions, like I was questioning his expertise, but he soon realized it's just how I cope - by researching the crap and hyperplanning everything in an effort to control the outcome somehow.

Unfortunately my clinic is super conservative, so they really have just run out of ideas. And they will not throw things at the wall to see what sticks indiscriminately, even though I wish they would.....they're very much a 'only if benefits clearly outweigh the risks' practice. Which I can respect even if in my desperation I'm willing to risk it all, including my future health.

That is a REALLY interesting idea that you felt with each m/c you got more superfertile!! I kind of think that might be happening to me. My lining is so stupidly perfectly (it's usually 11-12mm by mid LP) and with all the hormones and Femara and coming off m/c all the time, I think I'm overprimed too. I'm 37 though and just feel like every frigging month is another month closer to running out of time and I just don't want to take a break.

Well we are sort of taking a break, but not with ttc, just from meds. So maybe my body will calm down and rebalance a bit.

Oh update. I picked up the misoprostol yesterday and had intended to start it on Sat, but this morning I've started to spot red and bleed lightly, so fx this means I'll just have a natural m/c which is always a better thing than having to artificially induce it. And I have a perfect excuse not to attend DH's mess dinner tomorrow, mwuah!



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