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Old Feb 9th, 2017, 21:02 PM   1
ttcequestrian
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Cramping after mc, plus how do I deal with emotionless boyfriend


On January 24th I found out I was having a miscarriage. I was 5 weeks and had been having really strong nausea every day at a specific time for 2 weeks, then on the 23rd woke up to insane cramping and then bled for 5 days. When I went to the Doctor and they performed ultrasounds they confirmed that it was a complete miscarriage and nothing left in my uterus. It's been almost 3 weeks and I'm still having really bad cramps- sometimes to the point that I can't pick up the babies at work. Is it normal to STILL be having cramps? I haven't called the doctor yet.. wanted to get opinions here first.

And so my other huge problem. I had planned on telling my boyfriend that I was pregnant with a cute present and sonogram, but instead had to tell him that I had a miscarriage before he even knew I was pregnant. I am DEVASTATED that I lost this baby. He on the other hand won't talk about it. Won't tell anyone he knows. Won't let me tell anyone he knows, and I don't know how to handle it. I want him to tell his best friend because we hang out all the time but he refuses. If I talk about being upset he changes the subject. What do I do?



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Old Feb 10th, 2017, 01:02 AM   2
dairymomma
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Originally Posted by ttcequestrian View Post
On January 24th I found out I was having a miscarriage. I was 5 weeks and had been having really strong nausea every day at a specific time for 2 weeks, then on the 23rd woke up to insane cramping and then bled for 5 days. When I went to the Doctor and they performed ultrasounds they confirmed that it was a complete miscarriage and nothing left in my uterus. It's been almost 3 weeks and I'm still having really bad cramps- sometimes to the point that I can't pick up the babies at work. Is it normal to STILL be having cramps? I haven't called the doctor yet.. wanted to get opinions here first.

And so my other huge problem. I had planned on telling my boyfriend that I was pregnant with a cute present and sonogram, but instead had to tell him that I had a miscarriage before he even knew I was pregnant. I am DEVASTATED that I lost this baby. He on the other hand won't talk about it. Won't tell anyone he knows. Won't let me tell anyone he knows, and I don't know how to handle it. I want him to tell his best friend because we hang out all the time but he refuses. If I talk about being upset he changes the subject. What do I do?
I guess on your cramp question, my advice would be to call your doctor. I've miscarried several times (I have a clotting disorder and I have had hormone issues in the past that caused my losses.) and I can't remember ever cramping that long or that painful after a loss. It may be nothing but it's best to get it checked out if it's that bad yet.

As to your boyfriend, remember that everyone handles grief in their own way and men especially are conditioned to keep emotions closer. My DH can be much the same and we've been through so many losses. But he has said that just because I don't see him cry, doesn't mean he hasn't and that he feels just as sad as I do. It's harder for him in a way too because not only has he lost a child, but he's got to see me in so much physical and emotional pain while knowing there's nothing much he can do about it. So just know that even if he's not talking about it or showing outward emotion, he IS dealing with grief just as much as you are. If your OH is not wanting to talk about it now, he may never want to so I'd find someone you CAN talk to. Your bestie, your mom, a sister, etc. I usually talk to my sister in laws or a close friend who has experienced traumatic losses of her own when I need to.



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Old Feb 10th, 2017, 21:13 PM   3
ttcequestrian
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Originally Posted by dairymomma View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by ttcequestrian View Post
On January 24th I found out I was having a miscarriage. I was 5 weeks and had been having really strong nausea every day at a specific time for 2 weeks, then on the 23rd woke up to insane cramping and then bled for 5 days. When I went to the Doctor and they performed ultrasounds they confirmed that it was a complete miscarriage and nothing left in my uterus. It's been almost 3 weeks and I'm still having really bad cramps- sometimes to the point that I can't pick up the babies at work. Is it normal to STILL be having cramps? I haven't called the doctor yet.. wanted to get opinions here first.

And so my other huge problem. I had planned on telling my boyfriend that I was pregnant with a cute present and sonogram, but instead had to tell him that I had a miscarriage before he even knew I was pregnant. I am DEVASTATED that I lost this baby. He on the other hand won't talk about it. Won't tell anyone he knows. Won't let me tell anyone he knows, and I don't know how to handle it. I want him to tell his best friend because we hang out all the time but he refuses. If I talk about being upset he changes the subject. What do I do?
I guess on your cramp question, my advice would be to call your doctor. I've miscarried several times (I have a clotting disorder and I have had hormone issues in the past that caused my losses.) and I can't remember ever cramping that long or that painful after a loss. It may be nothing but it's best to get it checked out if it's that bad yet.

As to your boyfriend, remember that everyone handles grief in their own way and men especially are conditioned to keep emotions closer. My DH can be much the same and we've been through so many losses. But he has said that just because I don't see him cry, doesn't mean he hasn't and that he feels just as sad as I do. It's harder for him in a way too because not only has he lost a child, but he's got to see me in so much physical and emotional pain while knowing there's nothing much he can do about it. So just know that even if he's not talking about it or showing outward emotion, he IS dealing with grief just as much as you are. If your OH is not wanting to talk about it now, he may never want to so I'd find someone you CAN talk to. Your bestie, your mom, a sister, etc. I usually talk to my sister in laws or a close friend who has experienced traumatic losses of her own when I need to.
Thank you 💕 if the cramping lasts another week I'll go in to the doctor. And he's getting a bit better, every day I try to get him to talk and work through whatever he's feeling about it. He doesn't say much but he seems a bit lighter after every time I try to get him to talk. Now I'm running into the issue of him wanting to be intimate but me being terrified to since our loss. Ugh this is all so hard



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Old Feb 11th, 2017, 10:41 AM   4
dairymomma
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Intimacy may be how he's trying to heal and I will say that I like when we've been able to resume that part of our relationship after a loss because it makes me feel connected to DH again. However, I also understand your fears too. It's hard to view ttc and pg the same way when you've had a miscarriage. My advice for you is to take all the time you feel you need before being intimate again and maybe working up to it would help? Start with cuddling and go from there.

And yes, it's hard. There's no guide to dealing with a miscarriage that you can refer to or a list of things you can check off so you know you are healing. It's so different for every person. I've been dealing with pregnancy loss for nine years now and even now, after working with my doctors and a therapist for much of that time, I STILL have moments when it all comes back. Grief is a very complicated thing and we all process it at our own pace. It's sad and hard and scary right now but I can tell you that it WILL get better. I may feel sad about my losses at times but it no longer takes every ounce of my energy to just get through the day.

And I wanted to say that you have several things going in your favor for future pregnancies. First, your age. Being young is a good thing here and this will likely not be an issue for you in the future. Second, statistics show most women will have one or two miscarriages while trying to conceive. Almost every woman I know has had at least one and for most of them, it was their first pregnancy. So it's very likely that your next pregnancy will be a successful healthy one.



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Old Feb 20th, 2017, 05:37 AM   5
WhiteLily
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I miscarried January 20th of last month and I am still having a lot of emotional trauma I am working through because of my experience and I still randomly get flash backs of the blood and how I passed the baby. I hope that with time and the fact that I am a social worker, my training will help me. The people on here are right, some people deal with it differently, especially men. It is your right to tell who you want, he can grieve in privet but you don't have to. I hope that you were able to at least tell a few close people what you are going through, you shouldn't have to experience that alone.

Go onto YouTube and type in "THE HUSBANDS WAY OF COPING WITH MISCARRAGES" by Myka Stauffer.

He is a more openly emotional man but I think this video was interesting to understand how a father changes from being in dad mode and preparing for baby, to experiencing loss. There are also lots of other great videos from men's perspectives on YouTube about this topic.



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