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Old Mar 19th, 2017, 15:19 PM   1
roodles
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Early miscarriage. I feel so lost.


I don't know who else to talk to.

My period was late this month, and then I had very abnormal bleeding and various other symptoms. I did initially worry I was miscarrying, but convinced myself it must not be. As the bleed got increasingly abnormal I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. After a while I did another one and it was fainter but still positive. My husband and I feel sure that I am having/have had an early miscarriage.

I am devastated. I have two young children already, and we weren't TTC, but still would have been thrilled to have another baby. I feel like I'm not really allowed to grieve as I didn't know the baby was there until I had to say goodbye. But I feel such a loss, and I don't know how to process it.

I tried to reach out my best friend three days ago but she hasn't replied. Nobody else knows apart from my husband.

Another friend has just announced her pregnancy on Facebook - I can't bear to be on there at the moment.

On the morning I had my first positive test, straight afterwards I had to meet with a friend who is about to deliver her first child to pass on all of my baby equipment (it was prearranged). It was horrendous.

I don't feel like anyone will understand why I am so sad as I didn't know about the pregnancy in advance. I get through the days for my children, then once they are asleep I just cry and cry. I so desperately wish my pregnancy had continued.

I don't know who to talk to or what to say. I just thought that you might understand.



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Old Mar 19th, 2017, 15:59 PM   2
Kazy
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so so sorry you are going through this. It's hard when everyone around you is getting pregnant and most don't know what you are going through. My only advice is to grieve as best you can and not feel guilty about how sad you are. Everyone processes differently. Hopefully your friend just didn't get the message and will respond once she does? I found talking to close friends fid help a bit.



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Old Mar 19th, 2017, 16:32 PM   3
roodles
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Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your advice. My friend actually replied almost as soon as I submitted that post. She said it's common, it wasn't meant to be, it's God's plan, did I actually want 3 children, and its a good thing I miscarried as 3 under 5 would be too hard for me. And also I should really look at my birth control. I'm actually a bit speechless. For the record, we were using birth control. Now I feel like I definitely shouldn't talk to anyone.



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Old Mar 19th, 2017, 20:46 PM   4
ttc126
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Wow that's not a thoughtful response. I've been told a lot of mean things through my losses. People are just insensitive. It doesn't matter how long you knew, that baby was already loved and wanted. My prayers are with you. PS.I don't think God ever "plans" to take our babies. Our bodies are imperfect and sometimes these things are allowed to happen. I'll never understand why, but I can say my lost babies changed me so much and I'm a more compassionate person.



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Old Mar 19th, 2017, 21:40 PM   5
Kazy
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wow that's horrible. really.really.horrible. I'm so sorry your friend said that to you. It makes no difference how far along you were and the challenges of motherhood never out weigh our desire for them. After my miscarriages I came to the conclusion that very few women who haven't had one are able to really help. I generally try and not make assumptions like that but I too had people say incredible stupid things to me.
I think you are right in that she likely won't be able to help you then. Hopefully somewhere here you can continue to find support or you'll find someone else in your life who has experienced it and you never knew and can be there for you. I'm happy to talk if you ever want.



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Old Mar 20th, 2017, 13:34 PM   6
roodles
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ttc126 View Post
Wow that's not a thoughtful response. I've been told a lot of mean things through my losses. People are just insensitive. It doesn't matter how long you knew, that baby was already loved and wanted. My prayers are with you. PS.I don't think God ever "plans" to take our babies. Our bodies are imperfect and sometimes these things are allowed to happen. I'll never understand why, but I can say my lost babies changed me so much and I'm a more compassionate person.
Thank you. I'm so sorry for your losses, and for negative reactions that you've had It is good to hear that your experience has given you more compassion. I hope I will be kinder too.
I completely agree with you that I don't think it's "God's plan". If I believed that it would be very easy for me to become bitter about this baby being formed in the first place. The chances were so small.
Can I ask, did people being insensitive put you off of talking about it? I was asking my friend because she's a)my best friend and b) a doctor, but her reaction definitely makes me unsure about talking to others.



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Old Mar 20th, 2017, 13:42 PM   7
roodles
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kazy View Post
wow that's horrible. really.really.horrible. I'm so sorry your friend said that to you. It makes no difference how far along you were and the challenges of motherhood never out weigh our desire for them. After my miscarriages I came to the conclusion that very few women who haven't had one are able to really help. I generally try and not make assumptions like that but I too had people say incredible stupid things to me.
I think you are right in that she likely won't be able to help you then. Hopefully somewhere here you can continue to find support or you'll find someone else in your life who has experienced it and you never knew and can be there for you. I'm happy to talk if you ever want.
Thank you SO much for understanding, you said exactly what I was feeling! Interestingly my husband said the same thing last night about people not understanding until they've gone through it. I'm really sorry for your losses, and for the stupid things that people said to you on top of that. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. It sucks to feel like you're looking at someone differently when they were previously close to you, doesn't it?
I spoke to my mum about it today and she was wonderful. I am a rainbow baby, so I feel like she got it entirely.
I really appreciate to offer to talk, if it's not too intrusive. Thank you for being lovely
ETA: I meant to say earlier, thank you for your advice on not feeling guilty to feel sad. I DO feel guilty, because I'm aware that what I'm going through is nothing like when people face loss after more time. I would never try to equate my experience with theirs. But I think it is sad in its own way.



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