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Old Apr 26th, 2017, 20:37 PM   1
On a break (TTC)
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How can I help my husband when I'm grieving too?

We just found out yesterday that I was having an early miscarriage. My mom went with me to the appointment and held my hand while I had an ultrasound and saw only blood clots left. She was there to see the look on the OB's face after she examined me. I went home and cried. I confided in my supervisor as to the reason I couldn't come in and my best friend checked in on me all day. Today my HR person was notified and she went to the partners of the firm and got me a day of pay for bereavement as they understood I needed time to process.

I feel awful for my husband. I think he was more excited than I was. He has told no-one and has no-one to go to for support. None of his friends or family were even aware that we were expecting. He told me that he was a bit of an a** today to everyone at work for no reason. It also broke my heart what he confided in me tonight. He had already gotten me a mother's day card since we were going to tell our families on mother's day. He's struggling so bad and I don't know how to help him because I feel like I'm barely hanging on myself.

Has anyone been through this and have any suggestions how I can help him? He's so devastated, it breaks my heart.

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Old Apr 27th, 2017, 04:53 AM   2
Mum (Mom)
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Location: Dorset, UK
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I think just keep talking about it. Also, can you take some time off together just to support each other? I'm assuming you're in the U.S. (we already had our mother's day here in the UK), but there must be something you can do to get some time off together. I know we're lucky here, but I had as much time off as I needed paid (I took 3 weeks, though some of that was working from home as I was fine enough to work but just couldn't travel to the office as it's a long commute). Or if not that, just continuing to talk to each other when you do have time together in the evenings or on the weekend, put aside other things that aren't as important right now (like social events or something else) and just talk and take some time.

There are also some good online resources for partners and miscarriage if you search for them. Sending him those to read might help as well.

And really just giving it time and going easy on yourselves so you can heal. I found out about my miscarriage 6 weeks ago (I was 8 weeks at the time, though miscarriage didn't happen until 11 weeks) and it's really only been this past week that I've started to feel like myself again. It will always be a source of grief, I suspect, but it's getting a bit easier to feel normal now, so hang in there.

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