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Old May 17th, 2017, 07:08 AM   1
kelly1990
On a break (TTC)
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Need to vent


Hello everyone,
Right now, I feel myself floating in limbo, and I need to express myself to people other than my friends and family for once.
February 27th is etched in my mind forever. It is the day that I found out at my 12 week ultrasound that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.
I don't know what people to do to get through something like this, but I'm not finding it easy to move along and get on with life.

Being a woman diagnosed with Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovaries, I have always had a feeling since even before I was diagnosed with these, that I would be very difficult to fall pregnant. Turns out my feeling was right, as my partner and I started casually trying to fall pregnant after only being together for 6 months. We knew we were meant to be together, so it didn't really matter to us that we hadn't been together for too long.
About 8 or 9 months down the line, and not pregnant. Next step was becoming more involved in actively trying to get pregnant. Still, our hopes weren't coming true. I made an appointment with my gynocologist to see what we could do to get the ball rolling. On the morning of my appointment, by chance, I took a pregnancy test. BAM! Positive. The most amazing 2 little pink lines I had ever seen. Rang my partner crying, rang my best friend crying. I was in shock, bewilderment, amazement, and all those other good words. I went to my appointment anyway, my gyno congratulated me and put me up on the table to do a quick scan to see if she could see a heartbeat yet. Early stages of 5 weeks, so couldn't see a heartbeat yet, but that little embryonic sac was definitely there. I was pregnant. Finally. After all this time.
Bliss for the next few weeks, as I came to terms with my changing body and mind, thinking about the little person I was growing inside of me.
At 9 weeks, I had a scan to determine how far along I was. It was amazing. My partner and I heard the heartbeat for the first time, and were in disbelief that we had together, created life.
3 weeks after this, I went to the bathroom at work, to find a slight spotting. Being wary and keeping an eye on it, I went about my day. It soon went away, but it didn't leave my mind. 2 days later, another slight spotting in the morning. By the afternoon, I had had a gush of blood.
I rushed to the nearest hospital. Being Friday night, no ultrasounds were available to me. Blood tests were taken to check my levels, and I was sent home, to rest and wait out till Monday morning for my crucial 12 week ultrasound and "announcement day" as some people say. So many people talk about this magical 12 weeks, when everything is supposed to be in the clear and doing well! It was not until the day after I was 12 weeks pregnant, I found out this was not always true. I had announced I was pregnant to most of my family and workmates, being that my partner and I were just so over the moon to be starting a family.

We arrived at our ultrasound appointment, and I said to the tech "All we need to hear is a heartbeat" after an agonisingly long weekend wait, to find out if the bleeding I was experiencing was a miscarriage or not.
He put the gel and machine on my belly, and basically as soon as it touched my belly, I knew. I knew before he even confirmed it. "Im so sorry," he said, "I cant find a heartbeat".
That was it. Our world fell apart in about 30 seconds.
We were distraught. Our families torn. My parents were about to become grandparents for the first time, and it was cruelly taken away from us.
The next couple days were a blur, as I juggled doctor and hospital appointments. I arranged for a curette at hospital. I refused to go home and let nature take its course. I refused to sit at home and wait till I passed it on the toilet. At 12 weeks pregnant, I knew I would be able to tell exactly what that was coming out of me, and how traumatic. No way was I going to scar myself with that. I knew I wouldn't be able to go back and try again had I seen and been through that.
My curette went well, my partner and I had come to terms with our loss and were thinking positively of our future. Having my curette would give me a good clean out, and people keep telling me how easy they were to fall pregnant after one.
Now, I find myself 3 months on, and have gotten my period again today. Each time I get it is gut wrenching.

What makes it even worse is the amount of fighting and arguing my partner and I have been having lately. I think the problems we are having aren't actually as they seem, I think the underlying cause is grief. He says that he's not sure now if he wants to try for children right now, as we are arguing so much. He doesn't understand that our grief is causing all this fighting and arguing. I'm heartbroken. There is nothing I have ever wanted more than to be pregnant again.
Some people wish to travel the world or do exciting things with their lives. I have always, as long as I can remember, dreamt of being a mother and having a family.

Thanks for reading my story, it feels good to have written about it and talked to people who may have experienced similar situations.

Wishing everyone lots of good luck and fertility xo



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Old May 17th, 2017, 22:25 PM   2
momwithbabies
Trying to conceive (TTC)
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Texas
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Kelly - I'm so sorry you lost your baby. I know that getting your period is a horrible reminder of how empty you are inside. Every month is a reminder that you're not pregnant - I lost mine at 10 weeks. Like you, we told family and coworkers. We even told my 9 and 7 year old at the time. They were crushed to learn that I lost the baby. That was two years ago, and it still hurts.

The part about describing how you felt during the pregnancy struck a chord with me. People don't realize how your whole life changes after a positive pregnancy test. You have all of these hopes and dreams for your baby and what life will be like - you make room in your heart for this child. Then, in the blink of an eye, it's all gone. You feel like a failure, even though you couldn't have stopped it. Your partner doesn't know how to handle the grief, so he just avoids it (this is what my husband did and still does). The avoidance hurts on top of the grief.

I know you've probably read a lot about miscarriage and grief lately. It was amazing to me the number of women who spoke up about a loss they endured. It's a horrible "club" to belong to, but here's what got me through: It's okay to be sad. Even really sad. No matter what anyone else thinks, that child will always live in your heart and mind. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my angel baby. I've read that after about two years, there finally comes more acceptance of what happened. I don't know if I'm quite there yet, but I'm not in pieces as often. It does become easier. I never thought it would, but it did.

Sorry for the rambling, but I'm thinking about you. I've almost deleted this post five times thinking it sounds stupid. I hope you and your partner will communicate more about what really is going on, so that healing can begin.



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Old May 18th, 2017, 04:33 AM   3
kelly1990
On a break (TTC)
New BnB member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by momwithbabies View Post
Kelly - I'm so sorry you lost your baby. I know that getting your period is a horrible reminder of how empty you are inside. Every month is a reminder that you're not pregnant - I lost mine at 10 weeks. Like you, we told family and coworkers. We even told my 9 and 7 year old at the time. They were crushed to learn that I lost the baby. That was two years ago, and it still hurts.

The part about describing how you felt during the pregnancy struck a chord with me. People don't realize how your whole life changes after a positive pregnancy test. You have all of these hopes and dreams for your baby and what life will be like - you make room in your heart for this child. Then, in the blink of an eye, it's all gone. You feel like a failure, even though you couldn't have stopped it. Your partner doesn't know how to handle the grief, so he just avoids it (this is what my husband did and still does). The avoidance hurts on top of the grief.

I know you've probably read a lot about miscarriage and grief lately. It was amazing to me the number of women who spoke up about a loss they endured. It's a horrible "club" to belong to, but here's what got me through: It's okay to be sad. Even really sad. No matter what anyone else thinks, that child will always live in your heart and mind. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my angel baby. I've read that after about two years, there finally comes more acceptance of what happened. I don't know if I'm quite there yet, but I'm not in pieces as often. It does become easier. I never thought it would, but it did.

Sorry for the rambling, but I'm thinking about you. I've almost deleted this post five times thinking it sounds stupid. I hope you and your partner will communicate more about what really is going on, so that healing can begin.
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. Honestly. From the bottom of my heart. Please don't feel like you should have deleted your post, because that was a lovely read. It made me feel more a part of something, rather than alone.
Its nice to know that others feel the same way, and that my feelings are valid.
Thankyou so much again



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Old May 18th, 2017, 13:08 PM   4
momwithbabies
Trying to conceive (TTC)
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 899
Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, we all need to stick together. I'm here if you need to talk or have any questions.

-Jamie



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