My son was supposed to be making his appearance tomorrow... This is just me venting to whoever...
I'm having a hard time today. I wrote him a letter... but it just made it worse. God I miss him. It's been months since I felt him... Saddest part was I didn't know that day was my last day with Brayden.
I had a complicated pregnancy with him, the drs told me it would happen... but no mother wants to believe that. I bled the entire time I was pregnant... for 14 weeks I bled, and experienced pain... I thought that time was just like any other... If I would have known I would have gotten help to see if something could have saved him. I went to the bathroom and flushed the toilet... my son's remains are in the sewer... What kind of mother am I to flush my son away?? Hell, what kind of mother am I to not know when my son was leaving... or let alone not being able to take care of him...
I don't understand how someone so tiny, that I never even had the chance to meet has made such an impact on me. I will never love or miss someone as much as my son... my only son.
Brayden Malachi... you were my miracle, my blessing and my heart. I know Mommy sounded upset when I saw those 2 pink lines, but I was scared... Daddy and Mommy were just friends... I didn't have anything to offer you, except love. I wanted you... I wanted the best for you. I'd still give anything for you to be here with Mommy.
I remember I used to always rub my stomach with you... I felt so close to you... You sure had an appetite... especially for McDonald's gravy, french fries, and cheese puffs (dipped in the gravy of course).
I was your mother and I was supposed to give you life, and I was supposed to take care of you. I tried. Daddy and Mommy don't even talk anymore... Daddy still loves you though... just as much as Mommy does. Grandma told me recently that she thought you would have looked like me... I imagine you would. In my mind, you have creamy white skin that smells sweet... a headful of brown hair... and green eyes... I can picture you just as if I'm looking at you right now. I will never forget you, or your little flutters. Im sorry for getting mad at you from time to time... I know you didn't chose to leave. Your Grandma tells me that God just needed an angel... I try to look at it like that, and that you're up there with you're Grandpa... and he's teaching you everything that he taught me. I day dream about you each day... not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind. That's one thing about being a Mom... no matter where your child is, they're always on your mind, you never stop loving them or worrying about them. Brayden, I wish you were in my arms this second... I just want to tell everyone I know with children to hold them close and tell them just how much they're loved. So sleep tight Brayden, Mommy will see you one day, and I will hug you as though I've never hugged anyone before... Happy Due Date Baby Angel... You're in my thoughts.
I relate some to your experience...and want you to know you are not a bad mother, you are human, and things happen that sometimes we just can't find reason for and we can't turn back the clock to change it. There is no 'what if' or 'could have', only what 'is'. And your son is looking down on you with love and he knows how much you love and miss him. He is safe where he is now, God needed him - and he knows nothing but happiness there. that is a lovely letter to him prayers for you on your due date.
Thanks goes out to everyone. Alot of support from this site... I keep coming back on here like every couple hours... for some reason this is helping me out alot. I had a job interview today... All I'm doing for the remainder of the day is relaxing and trying not to get too down. I kind of feel bad in a way... I'm not an emotional wreck like I was last night. I feel like I should be more upset. I'm still upset, just not as bad as it has been recently.
this is a very comforting place to be - to read other people's stories and offer your own
it's ok to go through a change in emotions, chances are there will be times you'll be back to feeling very upset. But it does get more bearable with time - let yourself feel whatever emotion comes to you, sad or happy, and try not to feel guilty for it, because your son would want you to be happy and would understand when you're sad
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