Ok this is my story.

So we decided to start TTC in october 2008 fell pregnant in december 2008,from day 1 i was kind of paranoid that it was too good to be true as i had fell pregnant so quickly.So i booked in for an early reassurance scan at a pivate scan place when i went they said oh your only measuring 5 +1 when i thought i should have been 7+2 they could only see the pregnancy sac so they said come back in 2 weeks.
We returned 2 weeks later for another scan by this point my pregnancy sac measured 21mm but they couldnt see any signs off a baby or pole and said to go straight to my doc.The next morning went straight to the docs who ordered some bloods done 48 hours apart they were showing as normal they werent dropping but they were rising slowly i then had to wait a week as i was due to have my 10 week scan the following monday so went for my 10 weeks nhs scan and yet again there was nothing there and i was diagnosed as having a blighted ovum.
My sac was still growing even though there was no baby,i then had to wait another week to get an appt at the epu where they did another scan and confirmed my MMC then had to make the decision of which option i wanted but they said the best option was the d&c as my body wasnt going to miscarry normally.
That was 6 weeks ago tomorrow and i miss our gorgeous little 'pip' everyday.
When i woke from theatre the first thing i remembered was dreaming about my baby and i saw my grandad carrying him away all wrapped up in a big blue blanket so we think that our baby was a boy.
I will always miss my baby he is in my thoughts everyday and will never ever be forgotten.
Thanks for letting me share my story

So sorry for all of your losses and thanks for sharing your stories ...

We decided to TTC in December 2008. I came off the pill immediatley, and just carried on like rabbits like normal.

Three months later I tested positive. i only tested because sods law says that if you test, AF comes the next day, and i wanted AF to move her arse before I started my new job a few days later.

A few weeks later, (about 6 weeks) I started to bleed. At the very same time, all my symptoms came to a huge halt. my boobs no longer hurt and i no longer felt queasy. I suddenly felt 'normal' . Normal, well, hard to describe, but I no longer felt pregnant.

The bleed was little, but red.

I knew straightaway it could mean the worse. It got a little heavier the next morning, so I called NHS 24 and they suggested i head for the A & E.

I arrived at the A £ E and was rushed to a ward. they asked for a urine sample immediatley and once they took that, i was wheelchaired (I know, I felt silly) to the EPU dept.

The EPU made me wait for flippin ages so they could squeeze me in, but i eventually got a scan and they couldnt see too much going on - they were concerned it was too early to see anything.

I returned to the EPU about a week later with my gay cousin - my OH had to work.

I was getting an external when they asked me to have an internal. i had to get me trousers off and have an internal next to my gay cousin, and he never said a thing, the poor soul! Obv the dept assumed he was my OH! i was in good humour about it - I guess i had just accepted what was going on.

Then I had it confirmed that i had a blighted ovum - where the sac grows but theres no fetal pole. Well if there was a fetal pole, it wasnt there now. i went home and creid to myself.

The midwives suggested i have the D & C. but I was going on holiday in a week and thats when they could book me in. So i said i'd try natural and they still said it wasnt a good idea for me to go on holiday, especially with the flight.

i was in no pain. Ok, maybe an odd cramp, but my periods were worse. i had clots though.

I went on the holiday, against their wishes, and the bleeding was still like a period, with clots. i drank plenty alcohol and fluids and it was pretty crap to be on holiday and to be too scared to wear a bikini. I did manage a bikini for an hour or so, I used a tampon for an hour and changed again to pads straight away.

After 4 weeks of beginning to bleed, I returned to the EPU for my final scan and HCG blood tests, where they told me there was only a little bit of blood left. By the time I got home, I'd passed that blood, and was pretty much done.

My second miscarriage was much more early. A CB digi did have me wondering, as the test would not move from 1-2 weeks when i should have been 5 weeks.(so it should have displayed 2-3 at least) I started to bleed quickly, just like a period. A scan the next day showed nothing, i felt like a right fraud. They eventually took my blood, which was simply at 12, which confirmed a failed pregnancy.

5 weeks later i got my current bfp. So it can happen.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

so true!

Just want to say You Are All my Hero's!
Ok so I have been putting off writing our story in hopes that I could forget.
Well I haven't so here is our story.
We were married Aug. 08 and had a really great time bd'n for bfp and by Dec we got it. I was really amazed at it had been almost 10 years since I had been pregnant with dd. I knew right away that I was and tested the eve before af was due. I told my dh that I didn't know for sure and that we would test first thing in the morning. Yes we were, I was so excited and he was really trying to adjust. He grew more excited as the days moved by and my body started to show.
It was my second normal visit to the gyno and didn't think anything of it. I was gaining the weight he said I should and not at a rapid state. I had already heard the heartbeat twice so I didn't think anything about it as we were in the second trimester now at 15w+5d. The dr gyno entered and tried to find the heartbeat and couldn't locate it so had me go down the hall all the while telling me not to panic yet. I of coarse already knew as it was very easy to find the heartbeat the first two times. I went into the room and he did the u/s and no heartbeat in my little one. At this point I was very upset and cried and just left the office. I had to phone back to find out when my appt was the next day. I then called my mom first and she wasn't there. I called my dh and really don't remember what he said just that was not what I wanted to hear and yelled at him and called him some not nice words and told him off. He was at work and out of town and couldn't be home with me and I was angry to have to go through all these emotions alone. I finally calmed down when he called back and told me he would be home shortly after 5pm mind you it was about 10:45am. I was very upset that the dr couldn't do anything right then and am so glad now that I was made to wait. The next day I went back to office for u/s to verify and yes heard that sad news once again. Dr then did an amnio to see if any tests that they could run would give us reason as to why this happened. It was very painful and I don't wish this procedure on anyone and wouldn't choose to have this again. After 3 needles we finally got enough fluid to run tests that in the end didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know. I was made to wait until Monday Mar. 8 to check into the hospital to have my m/c induced. When I walked in I had come to terms with what had to happen and my night shift nurses were wonderful in explaining what was going to happen and that it may take a while. I didn't expect it to happen at the middle of shift change when the new shift was arriving. I was not a good patient as I woke up about 5am with severe cramps. I got up about 45min later to use the bathroom just thinking I would pee. I started to walk and it had started bright red blood everywhere. I pulled the cord in the bathroom so I could get my nurse there and they all came. 5 three nurses and 2 students. This was not the time for this and I told them. Here I was sitting on the toilet over a hat to catch the baby and 3 new faces staring at me. I made everybody but my two nurses and it happened. My sweet little girl came out. I was then walked to my bed and told to expect the rest to follow. When the dr came about hour later and cut the cord the rest was not ready to come. He showed me and my dh our little girl and she was perfectly formed with fingers and toes eyes ears nose and mouth. Just precious. I then waited for another hour and still nothing so they sent me down to surgery for d&c. I was very disappointed in the staff in pre-op as one of them asked oh just gave birth whatcha have. HUH! I just looked at the anesth lady I said just make sure you knock me all the way out! She did and when I woke up it was done. I went back to my room and had to stay for the day as just had surgery and was hooked up to pictocin. On Monday it will be 4wks I am finally starting to be myself and looking forward to the future. I have wonderful pictures from the hospital staff and have appologized for my actions and they all said they would have acted the same way. I felt humilitated and depressed but very grateful to be able to share my story here. We are off to try again as soon as af shows. Sorry so long, just nice to be able to finally tell someone. Thank you for reading.

Hey everyone this is from the post I did about 3 weeks after we lost our little girl Rebecca Ann. I didn't realize there as another post going around like this. Hope you don't mind I added mine to this?
I have come along way since I first wrote this and I owe a lot of this to all of you wonderful women on this site.THANKS SO MUCH!!


Hello everyone, my name is Rachael and my family and I have just went threw the loss of our little girl. We were 19 + 5 weeks when we found out we lost her, Rebecca Ann is what we named her. I am having a very hard time dealing with this and was amazed to find so many other people that have experienced this as well. So here is my story. I hope it can help someone else, as well as help me to talk about it.

On Tuesday November 18th 2008 we went in for our 20wk ultrasound. We go into the ultrasound room and the nurse was acting weird she didn't turn the monitor my way or anything. She asked what Dr. I was seeing today, well I was under the impression this was just a u/s appointment I told her. She left the room for 10 minutes and came back with my Dr. He says how have you been feeling, has the baby been kicking? I was feeling sick to my stomach and tired but fine. I thought I had felt the baby softly but I had also brought that up in my last appointment I didn't feel her kick so much.
Then he turns the monitor our way and this is how he let us know. Well there is the spin looks like a train track and there is the chest and as you can see there is no heartbeat. Then he proceeds to tell us that the baby was measuring between 18 and 19 wks ( I was 19+5 at the time) I didn't hear anything else, he could of told me the world was about to end and I think I would of took it better. We were then told we had to go to the hospital and be induced and decide what we wanted to have done with her remains.

Well I was ready to hurt everyone in that room we didn't even have a name yet and all the sudden I have to decide NO!! This wasn't suppose to happen, I am healthy I have done this before (2 beautiful Kids 9yr old girl and 6yr old boy) WHY WHY WHY??? That is all I I Could hear in my head. My Husband holding my hand so softly but with a crack in his voice asked what do you mean, she hasn't had any cramping other then (Braxton Hicks) or bleeding what went wrong? But nobody has answers all they kept saying was we are sorry and it wasn't anything you did. Why do I feel like it was something I did or something I could of done to stop this from happening.

On Wednesday Nov 19th I went to the hospital to be induced and I had to sign this paper that said Fetal Demise Induction and I lost it.. as I am right now writing this. The nurse her name was Kim and she was wonderful, took me and Jim to the room. She told me they will be putting a purple flower on the door so everyone will know what is going on in the room. I was giving a pill on my cervix to help dilate me and given one to take by mouth as well.I was offered pain medicine if I would like.

Through out the day Kim would ask us questions on if we would like to hold the baby when she comes or them take her away clean her up then bring her back. Jim was against seeing the baby I think because he was scared ( he wont admit that). I wasn't sure what I wanted to do this was all so unreal to me. I just cant believe I am going through this I cried a lot of the time. Jim had to leave and go get our children from school so I was alone but Kim was a great help.
We live out of state from all our family so Jim had to bring our kids back to the hospital with him. I tell you what that hospital made us feel so comfortable and they even had a nurse's assistant take our little ones in a separate room and took care of them while my husband and I was going thru this horrible time. I cant thank them enough for all the help and support the offered and gave.

At 8:30 pm I gave birth to our tiny little girl Sweet Rebecca, I looked over at Jim and he said she is so little he could see her, I tried to look but then the nurse covered her little body so all I seen was butt and legs. Jim cut the cord and the Dr. took her out of the room. Kim came back in about 20 minutes later and asked if I wanted to see her. YES I WANT TO SEE HER. I still wish I could have never let her go. They took pictures of Rebecca and she gave me the clothes she put her in. We also got footprints and the blanket she was put on to take the pictures. In the pictures you don't see her face just her little body, hands and feet. I got all of this in a purple keepsake box they gave us. We did tell our 9yr old that her little sister turned into a angel so now we have a little angel looking over us all the time.

That weekend we had her cremated and brought her home in a beautiful flowered urn. This is still so fresh, I go back this week to have my follow up and hopefully they can tell me what went wrong. The Dr. at the hospital says it looks genetic her legs were not proportionate with the rest of her body. Everyone was helpful in their way, but kept saying you have 2 beautiful kids. Yes well I love my kids and I loved this baby and I really wanted to have this baby. We will not be trying again, I have already made up my mind I cant go through this again. I feel so empty my heart aches. We will count our blessings we have 2 happy and healthy kids and we now have a beautiful angel watching over us, we will meet again one day.

This is a very hard road to walk down and I wish that nobody ever had to walk this road. To all of us who have traveled this road I am truly sorry for all the pain that comes with this. May our angels fly together! Thanks for listening to me.

This is a good idea so I can get this off my chest.

Here is goes ok we started to talk about ttc and we said we would wait till after xmas 07 but ended up getting pregnant out of the blue and I was so happy but started to bleed and after getting my bloods back my levels were dropping and I was so devasted and never thought in a million years that this would happen to me this was nov 07 then we were trying and the month we weren't trying I got pregnant again but took ages to show up on the hospital tests but my hcg was 800 at the start I started to brown spot about 6.5 weeks and ended up going into the emegency room and they said the they couldn't see any baby or sack and told me to come back in a week in the meantime they done blood work to see was my level's rising which they were and was so happy and then the bleeding stopped for a while and then started again and kept on being like this till I was 11 weeks in and out of the hospital every couple of days and by this stage I though things would be ok but then I really started to bleed heavy but stoped and thought everything would be fine but there was not pain but then a week later @ 12 week pg started to bleed really heavy gushed of blood coming out every time I stood up and went into the emergency that morning and they done a scan and every was fine seen baby moving around and his heartbit but when I got home I got really bad pains didn't bother going into the hospital but I was getting real bad contraction pains all day until the night I passed hugh clots and went straight in and she done a scan and said everything looked fine again seen my baby boy moving around and his tiny heart and then she checked my cervix and she said it was slightly open and my chance of mc increase but shortly after she checked me I was in so much pain I felt like I was going to pass out and I was sweating like a good thing and was like this for a good hour and I ended up sitting on the tiolet and the urge the push but as I did I seen something white immediatly I put down my hand to catch him and he looked so period didn't look like anything was wtrong and you could see little tiny leg curled up and his little arms and this was the worst experience I have ever experienced and I will never forget him I think of him every days and wonder what life would be like now I lost him on sept 9 08 and the hospital gave us a tiny little white coffin for him and I buries him with my dad the last 6 year have been just horrible for me with my dad dying from cancer at only 55 and then I got a a month ago and lost my 3rd pregnancy 3 weeks ago @ 5.6 days and really was devasted again but nothing like what I have expereinced before but still very upset I feel like I will never have a little baby in my arms thanks for letting me get this off my chest and I do feel talking on the internet to all you people it does help baby chris junion we love you so much and miss you

Well I finally feel ready to talk about the whole experience so.. here it goes..

I got my BFP on 16th March after trying for 4-5 months. My husband and I were so excited and told everyone pretty much as soon as it was confirmed by the doctors on 20th March. Everyone was really pleased for us and we were both really chuffed.
I booked myself in to see the midwife on the 7th April. Told a little fib and said I had no idea how far on I was so I could get an early scan. Cheeky I know but this was my first pregnancy and I wanted to make sure everything was OK. My husband, Dan, came with me to our appointment. Did all the usual stuff, bloods taken and medical history gone through. She put us forward for an early dating scan which I was happy about. So we went on our way and waited for the dating scan appointment to come through.
We started looking in Mothercare and various other baby shops. Looked around for cool little shoes and started thinking of names. Life was great
Since I found out I was pregnant I was taking tests pretty much everyday, just wanted to see the line get darker really. Also spent around £40 in digital tests just to see the weeks go up!

So - as you can imagine I was horrified when I went to the toilet on 10th April and found some blood in my underwear. It was a tiny amount but I'd been having mild cramps all day.
My husband took me to the hospital as soon as I was ready and we waited for 3 hours to be seen. In that 3 hours the bleeding was getting heavier and gradually dark red. The hospital first of all took bloods. I normally hate getting my blood took but I was so numb with fear I just sat there. The doctor then checked my cervix (it was closed), took swabs and then an internal examination. He then done an internal scan which showed the sac but no baby or heartbeat. We were heartbroken. They diagnosed a threatened miscarriage. They said it might be too early to see anything and made an appointment for the 20th to check the progress.

Well after passing huge brown clots and more brown blood I went back to A&E (they said if there was anymore bleeding or clots then I had to go back) Sorry if this is too much information but the clots were really thick and brown. The biggest was maybe the size of a 50p coin. I was so scared. I cried there and then. I thought this was the end.
We searched online quickly and it all pointed towards miscarriage.
He checked my cervix again and it was closed. Therefore still classed as a "threatened miscarriage" took more blood and sent me on my way. He said not to worry too much as the blood/clots are brown and I don't have major cramping. I kinda felt like I wasted his time a bit and I felt as though he didn't check me properly internally. I kinda got the impression he hurried himself as he felt awkward? I was lying there crying whilst he was checking.
I got my dating scan for the 17th so they told me to go to that one instead of the 20th one.

So.. the 17th comes around and we head to the hospital for our scan.
Not good news..
Nothing had developed since last week so I was basically waiting to miscarry. If nothing had passed by the next Friday I was advised to discuss ways of getting rid of the pregnancy.

The next day (18th April 2009) the pains started getting worse. By 8pm I was in agony. Somehow I managed to go to the shop for some wine. I just needed something for the pain. The pain gradually got worse. I was lying down and kind of struggling to breathe. I felt bad because my husband felt helpless. Nothing helped my pain.
Then, all of sudden, I felt something in my underwear and the pain instantly stopped.. I still can't get over how the pain just stopped.
I went to the toilet and my husband was with me, I knew I couldn't do what I was about to do alone..
There is was, the sac on my sanitary towel.. I was surprised at how big it was.. It was about the size of a lime or lemon.. I just sat there crying for what seemed like hours. Eventually my husband said we couldn't sit there all night. I managed to put it down the toilet and my husband left me to clean up. He went upstairs and I just sat there. I couldn't bring myself to flush my baby away.. I know this is not a very nice thing to share but I fished it out of the toilet again and contemplated burying it in the morning.
In the end I shouted for Dan to come and flush it away. He waited till I was upstairs but I was still listening for the flush. When I heard it I fell to bits again.
I couldn't sleep that night so I went back downstairs and finished off the wine.

Telling people was pretty hard. We phoned most people as I couldn't face anyone.
I had a week off work and Dan had a few days. It was awful just sitting around thinking about it so I asked the doctor to sign me off the sick.
When I went back the first day it was awful seeing people watching me. There was another lady in the office who was pregnant so I kinda dreaded seeing her but in the end I was ok with it.
The first night out we had afterwards was horrible. Three people congratulated me on our pregnancy which had me in bits so I just knocked back the drinks. I got very very drunk that night.

So, a month on and it's still pretty painful for my husband and I. I can't get over what happened and it doesn't seem to be getting easier.
I'm currently on my period (gutting because we started trying as soon as I stopped bleeding from my miscarriage)
This AF is insane, I can't get over how much blood there is.
On the bright side at least I kinda know where I am with my dates now.

So there it is, my miscarriage story. Sorry it's long. xxxxx

hi everybody!

first of all let me say that i'm very sorry for all of your losses, or rather OUR losses.

i got pregnant the first time my boyfriend and i had sex, i couldn't believe our luck! and i never imagined that i would lose the baby, so when i started spotting i assumed it was just my cervix getting ready. anywho..we couldn't see the heartbeat at 6.5 weeks, then the doctor couldn't see the fetal pole!!!
a week after that, i miscarried on a sunday morning..it was very painful but it lasted only a little while. i was very upset, and embarassed to face all my friends because my boyfriend had already spread the good news..

after a month i got pregnant again, i wasn't even trying..but then we weren't on any birthcontrol..this time it lasted 7 weeks, only to find out that the baby had stopped growing at 5weeks. i sat my bar exam and passed with flying colours, a day after that i had a massive headache and i was feeling feverish. i miscarried two days after the bar exam, this time i didn't take it lightly, i was traumatized by the whole process..to make things worse, this time i'd even told my boyfriend's mother, and most of his family members knew and my sister and friends too..so i had to deal with the pain all over again..i didn't even get to see my baby's heartbeat.

both of my miscarriages occurred naturally. i went for a checkup after the second one and was diagnosed with malaria!!!! the doctor told me that this could have been the cause..it came as a shock to me as i'd never had malaria before..

my cycle is now back to normal, it's been seven months since my last miscarriage, and i hope that i get my soon, and that this time i'll get to have my .

This is my story about how the only extreme happiness I had felt in my life was taken away from me.
At the beginning of June 2009 I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. I was only 19 years old and with University later in the year, I didn’t know what to think. I rushed to my boyfriends Workplace to tell him. His face dropped. This was not meant to happen. I think we both knew that there was no way that we could ever possibly keep this baby. Not with the way that everything was. He wasn’t in the best financial place and neither was I.
I came home with a huge amount of thoughts running through my mind, but I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Once he was home. We sat down to talk and we came to that terrifying, horrible decision of going through with a termination. How my heart sank. This was something I thought I would never have to go through. But somehow, I knew I had to.
That week I went to the doctors to arrange a termination. She worked out that I would possibly be 10 weeks pregnant. This made the situation worse for me as I thought that was when the baby was known as a foetus. My offspring. I felt so horrible.
I had to wait a week and a bit for the consultation day to arrive. And during that week my mind was in total conflict 24/7. Somewhere deep inside of me was yelling at me, ‘why are you going to doing this? It’s not right!’ But then there was another one saying ‘you have to… It’s your only choice’. I really didn’t know what to do. I was so stuck. Everyday of that week was filled with extreme sadness. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would end up doing something like this. But during your life, you never think the worse situation would ever happen to you. But life isn’t like that. Bad things will always happen to everyone. This was mine. I was inconsolable. He couldn’t help me. Even though he tried and tried. He was better at concealing his emotions, even though deep down, he was dieing. He told me that this was something that he has wanted all his life, and he was devastated at the fact we had to get rid of it. He was so happy when I told him I was pregnant, but when he realised that we couldn’t keep it. It tore him up inside. I knew how it felt. But throughout that week I had his full support. Just knowing I had him there no matter what made me feel just that little bit better. He was the only support system I had throughout this whole ordeal.
Consultation day. How I was scared. I knew that it wasn’t the actual termination day but knowing that it was the start made me really afraid. I still had my head saying that I should get rid, where my heart was saying keep it. But I knew that I had University and a future to plan. So I though that I must do this. It won’t be right on the baby. When the time came round to having a scan done, I found that I was only about 5/6 weeks pregnant. I was relived and disappointed at the same time as I asked to see a scan picture. I was relived at the fact wit was developed at much, and the termination would be easy, but I was disappointed at the fact I couldn’t see anything other than a little pea shaped object. I was hoping to see a baby shape. But I didn’t.
I found out that I could have the termination the tablet way, which was the way I had wanted it to be, even though I know I would be going through pain, at least I wouldn’t have to have the surgical way or anyways after that.
I remember going home in the car with him and reading a leaflet that they had given me about the procedure. The only line that stuck out to me was ‘You will miscarry in the privacy of your own home’. I still don’t know how this line made me cry so much. I suppose it was just the thought of going through a miscarriage, and feeling the pain as it dies. I felt so guilty at the thought I will be killing an innocent little life. I just thought I would be seen as a murderer.
I had to wait another week to go back to the clinic to have the termination. And yet again I was torturing myself over what I would be doing. I really needed to straighten my mind out and think what would be right for me. And over the week after people support and thoughts I finally came to clear decision. I decided to keep it.
Never ever in my life have I ever felt so happy about something I decided to do. I felt all the sadness drift away and happiness consume me. I couldn’t stop smiling. Every time I saw babies, I thought to myself that would be me soon. It felt so right. He was overjoyed and began to tell people about it. He was so happy that he would finally be the daddy he has always wanted to be. We were so happy.
I cancelled the appointment and started wondering around baby stores and baby clothes, even purchasing a cute selected few. I even bought baby books and sat there reading them for hours getting myself all excited about the prospect of what I will be going through and what I will have in the end. This happiness I felt I can never explain fully with words. I knew this was the right thing to do for me. And I loved it.
But then disaster struck. The Monday I was due in the clinic for the termination, I started to bleed. Not much but it was enough to make me worried that there was something wrong. I went to the doctors straight away who booked me in for a scan on the following Friday just to check that everything is alright.
The next few days were very agonising. I knew deep down that something was wrong and I couldn’t stop worrying, even with people telling me it’s normal and that it would be nothing, deep down inside I knew that it wasn’t. All I could think was miscarriage, and no one or anything could change it.
My worse fears were realised on the Wednesday night through to Thursday morning. Trying to sleep and waking up in a huge amount of pain. He was crying. He didn’t know what to do. I was rushed to A & E and given pain killers straight away. I knew I had miscarried and coincidently, it was on the day I would have been in the clinic to complete the rest of the termination.
I had an internal to see what was happening and this tortured me. I didn’t know whether to cry or not. But I didn’t. I had to be strong. I really didn’t want to believe it, but when the doctor turned round to say that might have pulled out something to confirm the miscarriage. I felt lost. She left the room to take a closer look at what she got while I got myself sorted. She came back and said it does look like you have miscarried. I’m really sorry. I didn’t know what to do. She said I have to take it easy and I must still go to the scan to check everything was alright. But really, I just didn’t care. I was silent all the way home.
He sat with me telling his feeling. He was very emotional. I couldn’t blame him. We had lost our child. Plus he thought he would have lost me because he had never seen me in so much pain before in his life. He really did care. No wonder I love him so much. All he wanted was for me to be alright no matter what.
I was just so devastated. I had never felt so low in my life. I just felt like my heart was ripped out of me. I couldn’t believe that I was so happy. Happier than I had ever been in my life and then I’m at the other end of the spectrum. I really didn’t understand why it had to happen to me. I have been through loads already. I had been through the torture of a possible termination and then this happens. How cursed I felt. I really did want this baby, but somehow it didn’t happen. What was I to do?
The next day I just didn’t do anything. I couldn’t eat much or even smile. He tried his best to be there for me, but I could do anything. I finally came round to looking at baby related stuff I had while listening to emotional music. How I cried.
I bought a pregnancy test kit when my bleeding started just to see if I still was and it still was positive. But there was another one. So I used it and it still said positive. I just felt sick with sadness as I knew there was nothing there. I knew it would take time for my body to settle back down to the way it used to be. I just didn’t want to accept it. But while listening to my sad music, I got all my baby stuff together and boxed it up. I felt so depressed. Looking at the baby clothes and picturing a baby in them. Why did this happen. I wanted to know. I was so ready to be a mum and it never happen. I did a little letter to go inside the box also. It said when I found out I was pregnant and when I had the miscarriage, but underneath it had a little note to the baby I lost. ‘The pain I felt will never go away. The worse pain I will ever feel physically and emotionally for the rest of my life. The bay I lost, but will never be forgotten. Love you always my lost baby. Be safe in heaven. Lots of love, always and forever, Mummy and Daddy’.
This will be a keepsake I will have forever and I will hopefully one day bring this box out again for when I hopefully get pregnant again. One day I hope to see a baby in those clothes, and I hope to read those books as they lean on my baby bump. I’ll keep dreaming.
In the mean time I had another scan to confirm there was nothing left just blood and lining to get rid of. They still want to check that everything alright with me and that my body will return to normal. Part of me doesn’t want it to. But I know deep down it will and it will be like it was before.
If I could turn back the clock I would, because everything would be so different, and maybe, the baby would still be with me.
But to all the pregnant women who might read this. I wish you all the best with your babies. I hope all this doesn’t happen with you because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But for the people who have had a miscarriage. I hope that one day you will find your peace. Do something to honour your loss. I know I will be. I will have a little start tattooed near where my womb is situated in remembrance of the little star that was once there. This is the worse pain that anyone can feel and I know this will stay with me forever. My first pregnancy. My first child that never was.