Hi all, i thought it would be good for me (and you guys if you feel you can) to write on here your story about your miscarriages/losses. I dont want to glorify what happened at all, but i feel as though by sharing my story i might be able to help someone. Please add your stories.

When everything started to happen i was 10 weeks 6 days. It was a friday, i was just about to get in the bath when i noticed some brown blood in my underwear. I didnt think too much of it and decided to wait until the morning before calling NHS direct. By the morning there was more brown blood so i called. They told me to get some rest and relax and if there was any red blood or pain to call them back. All through the saturday i had no bleeding whatsoever so i thought that was it.

When i woke up on sunday morning the bleeding had got heavier, it was red and i was passing lots of tiny little clots..but the bleeding wasnt heavy at all. I decided it would be best if i popped to the out of hours GP at the hospital. He told me that as my bleeding was not heavy that everything was fine, but scheduled me an early scan for the following wednesday.

All through monday was the same, but during the night i started to get a colicy type pain..it felt as though i had a bit of a dodgy tummy, it was uncumfy but i managed to get a bit of sleep.

I woke up on tuesday still getting this pain, was more like bad period pains and was coming in waves. By 1 o clock the pain was getting pretty bad, so i thought i would have a bath to see if it would ease it. I had got in the bath and the pain was so bad i could hardly get out..i was breathing through each contraction, and with each one more blood would come out. I managed to get out of the bath, dried myself and layed on the floor. I couldnt even stand up the pain was so bad so i rung NHS direct again. They sent an ambulance for me as i could hardly speak. The contractions were coming 30 seconds apart and each one lasting for about 90secs. The pain felt as though someone was pulling out my insides. By the time i got to the hospital they gave me some gas and air.

After about a further 3 hours on the gas and air the contractions subsided, and i was in no pain whatsoever!! The doctor examined me and said "oh if you are having a m/c then at least you can try again" I can remember thinking no one was telling me what was going on. All i wanted to know was if my baby was okay. They also refused to scan me until the weds.

On the wednesday i went to the scan. I think i knew deep down after all the pain and blood there would be nothing there. They told me that the baby measured 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat. We were then sent to the gyne ward where i was examined and she pulled away tissue from my cervix. I can remember thinking to myself "was that the baby?"

A week later i went for the second scan and got the all clear. It was a relief but at the same time it was sad. I kinda thought they would be wrong and up would pop a healthy heartbeat.

In hindsight i had an orangey discharge for a week or so before the m/c. I dont know if it had anything to do with the m/c but thought i would mention it.

We decided to start trying as soon as i stopped bleeding. Although im pretty sure i didnt ovulate that cycle at all. When my period arrived i felt absolutely gutted.. i found i was more upset and emotional now than when the m/c had happened.

To this day i still think about my baby every hour, nearly every thought is ocuppied about "what i would be doing/eating/saying if i was still pregnant" I also think i grieve more of where i should be in my pregnancy, than for the actual process of m/c. I also appreciate that when i need to cry, i cry...when i need to get angry i do. Otherwise it would just eat me up inside.

I hope this stories, and yours if you add them will help someone.

xx

Great idea...good to get thoughts out

Well, let's see. We started TTC pretty much as soon as my daughter was born (JAN 2005). We had troubles getting pregnant with the first two kids, and just thought that we'd take the "stress out of it" by just not using birth control. I remember we BD about three weeks after I gave birth, and I thought "oh-oh"...that would be so soon (I had a section). Well, I didn't end up getting pregnant by that method, so we decided that DEC 1, 2006-we'd start "trying-trying". You know, checking when you ovulate, BDing on the right days, POAS near AF time. Nothing...until I think it was eight months later, we actually only managed to BD once that month, I got pregnant!!! I was over the moon! I told everyone at work, because I never had a m/c before, so it never occured to me that I might. I bought things for my baby. I ate well, exercised. I taught water aerobics at the time, and told my whole class. A few weeks later, I was about to go out for dinner with friends. They were actually already on their way over to my house to pick me up, and I went pee. There was blood on the toilet tissue. Not lots...but, it was red. Then I remembered earlier that day: I was taking a nap, and I woke to a big sharp pain in my tummy, but I just shrugged it off. I went to the hospital with my sister. They found the baby by u/s, and everything was fine. There was blood coming out of my cervix, but my cervix was closed. They said it was 50/50. I went home and the bleeding and cramps were horrible. I knew it was over. I wished I had asked for an u/s pic...but, I had nothing. My husband took me on a vacation...for a week. It was very relaxing, and a good time to grieve. I had to tell everyone at work, I had to tell my then four-year old son, I had to tell strangers...because everyone knew. It was a nightmare that went on and on. But, I fell pregnant just a few short months later. I thought this MUST be it. One m/c, OK...fair enough. It happens, but, no, not two. I told my sister, husband, friend, mother...that was it. I had learned. It didn't last long before the bleeding started. This time it was 3am. I put a pad on, and ran to bed sobbing. Rob asked me what the hell happened...and I just said it was over. I cried all the way to morning-horrible loud cries of pain, anger,a nd sadness. That was my Christmas baby...just before Christmas. I was going to tell everyone for Christmas. I went to the DR a couple days later. It was over. I already knew. After this m/c, my life pretty much fell apart. You see, between those two m/c, my daugher, then almost three, was diagnosed with Autism. I couldn't handle my world of hurt. I felt very alone, not just with my TTC troubles, but with my daughter. What did this mean for her future, her world? And I had alot of anger about my losses and no one to turn to, and with everything going on with my daugher, I bottled my own problems away. To make matters worse, I wasn't even getting pregnant on my own anymore. I took five weeks off work for stress, and finally did some grieving. I got a few books on m/c, and grieving, joined this site. I saw a specialist and had some tests done. Then I was put on Clomid, and Prometrium. Ten months after my last m/c, and first round of Clomid...PREGNANT! I videotaped the result. I was jumping up and down, and screaming with excitement. With all these drugs...I have FINALLY got my dream come true!!! The excitement lasted a week. The bleeding started and I was rushed to hospital. The cramps were so horrible...I had to breathe through them. I knew it was over. My friends work in the ER. A DR, two friends...my twin sister works there. It was horrible, embarassing, and not a private moment. I had a scan the next morning, and it was over. My OB said that I ovulated from both ovaries, and it very well might have been twins. That is where I am. It is not a happy place to be, but that is my story.

Thanks for starting this thread Moomoo. It helps to talk about it but you never know who to talk to. This is a long one sorry! I was not ttc(i have 2 children) and when the test came up pos I was shocked scared but excited. I called my best friend round and told her the news and I remember saying that things were not right and that may baby was going to die. Over the next 3 weeks I had different bleeding from spotting to fresh red and clots. I also had my hcg levels checked,and they dropped at one point. 3 times we were told that I was m/c but 3 scans showed baby and a heartbeat. I saw a dr on the Monday after quite bad bleeding over the w/e, but again scan confirmed all was ok. The dr said that there was no reason for bleeding and that everything looked fine. I was at no greater risk of m/c than anyone else. The whole time I had been pregnant I had pains and cramps and bleeding on and off but to be told this we thought our 'Bubble' would be ok.

2 days later the bleeding got heavier and the pain got worse. I was at work (they knew what was going on) and I had to leave and take myself to A&E. When I got there, the pains in my cervix were like a huge pressure build up and I was bleeding heavily. When they called me to go to tri -age I stood up and I just flooded everywhere. They took me through to wait for gyneacologist (4hrs) and I felt so ill and was still bleeding very heavily.

They finally agreed to admit me and left me on a bed, naked from the waist down with a white blanket over me! At this point I knew there was no hope for my baby .

I was scanned the next day and they confirmed what I knew (although deep down I thought the heartbeat would be there). They told me it was incomplete and that I needed to stay in. Luckily I did as I suffered 2 hrs of the most intense contractions and still more bleeding and narrowly escaped a blood transfusion.
I never knew it was like this. I 'assumed' a m/c was just a heavy period, and I so wish I had some idea. 7 weeks on and it hurts so badly although it was not planned it was wanted so much. Not a day goes by when my bubble is not in my thoughts.

Hi ladies heres my story too.
Thanks for starting this its good to just get it all out.
It was Monday 20th October and it was 2pm i had went to the loo and noticed some brown blood. I cried a bit then, and panick went through me. I was 10weeks1day.After that there was no bleeding till later that night 8pm. Just smeary but bright red blood. I had been sitting on sites all day trying to find out if it was normal and in fact there was lots of women who bleed at the start of pregnancy. But i foned NHS 24 they booked me in for a scan the next day 21st October. I went there myself as my partner had only got his head round to the fact we were going to have a lovely baby on the friday before, it was now tuesday. I had no more bleeding during the night.
When waiting in the waiting room with loads of couples i thought they must be thinking what a shame.
I remeber sitting there with my wee fat belly thinking 50/50 at what the out come would be, more just kidding myself really. Thats the last memory i have of having my baby in my belly.
They took me for a scan, my baby didnt seem so bright as it had done when i got a scan at 7 weeks. It was dull but i could see my baby, then she stopped rolling the thing around on my belly and said " im really sorry but i cant find a heart beat" I said check again check again are you sure, i was crying so so much. She said baby stopped growing at 9weeks1 day. A week ago i couldnt believe it. My whole world had come down. The shock the sorrow.
I was sent home an told to fone the next day an say weather i want a d +c or it to happen natrually. I chose the d+c an was booked in on the 23rd at 10am.
But 5 am i woke up with a pain in my tummy and a feeling like i was bursting for a pee.
Lots an lots of clots but no real pain in my tummy. I foned NHS 24 an they said just keep check of the clots. In other words to see if i had passed the baby.
I seen my tiny little baby an that thought still haunts me. I'll never forgive myself for flushing. But i didnt know what to do i was alone. I felt as though it wasnt real. I was unusually calm id say for that situation.
I was told if i felt sick or faint to go straight in. It had settled a little, went in for a scan an they said baby was in fact gone but some stuff left.
Later that day about 5pm the most awful pain my god i actually thought i was goung to die i couldnt breath or walk. I was having contractions with large clots every 60 second.
After one really large clot i felt ok. An could go back to bed an rest. I was so so weak for days.
Its been 3 weeks tomo since that happend. An im still haunted by it.
I so despretly wanted my baby. I would say im getting better at dealing with it. Its still in my thoughts every day, how far should i be? Names? clothes, all the things i would need to be buying.
But most of all i just think how much i want my baby. All our little angels. We all miss them so so much.
I miss you my baby. I love you my baby. Im always just here my baby.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks ladies for sharing your stories, I'm so sorry to hear all these stories but at the same time it's important to share, so here's my story...

I have a 4 year old son who I fell pregnant with the first month of trying, I thought it would be that easy again so we waited until the time was just right to try again, we started ttc in June and it took until september to get our BFP, we were so happy, the timing was perfect. I didn't have many pregnancy symptoms which, if I'm honest, worried me from the beginning, with my son I had so many symptoms as well as terrible sickness. I remember saying to my husband I was worried that things weren't ok but he reassured me and said that maybe I was just lucky to not be so ill this time around. So I put it to the back of my mind, told our families and a few close friends and excitedly planned for the future. Just as I reached 7 weeks I woke up to go to work on a tuesday morning, went to the loo and when I wiped there was a very small smear of brown discharge. I called in sick and went to my GP who basically told me to wait and see. Later that day I called my GP again as the bleeding had continued although it was still very light and only when I went to the loo, this time she referred me for a scan. The next day I went to the hospital, my hubby had to work so I took my mum with me, the waiting room was full of women going for their 20 week scans, all coming out of the scanning room with their pictures and looking so happy. After over an hour of waiting I was taken in, given an internal scan and told that the baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks and I was miscarrying. I tried to hold it together but burst into tears, I had alreay expected the worst but it was so hard to hear those final words- "I'm sorry but you are having another miscarriage" (I had a miscarriage many years ago which the doctor knew about). The next hardest thing was phoning my husband and crying down the phone to tell him we had lost the baby, he came straight home and we spent the afternoon just holding each other.

Over the next couple of days the bleeding turned red but was still quite light and not like a proper period, then over the weekend it got much heavier, I was passing clots and tissue and having bad cramps, this took about 3 days and I just couldn't do anything apart from focus on getting through the physical process, I couldn't even begin to grieve while my body was going through the process, I felt incredibly low and weak and could barely even look after my son, my husband was great and took over everything for a few days at home to let me rest. 7 days later I went back to the hospital for a repeat internal scan which confirmed that I had passed everything, the bleeding carried on for a few more days but was much lighter and then completely stopped. After the second scan all my emotions came to the surface and I had a difficult few days, I felt very low and flat and realised I just needed to grieve.

3 weeks later and it feels like it all happened so long ago, I have changed as a person and will always have this feeling of sadness but I also feel that I have coped and I have carried on regardless, things are getting easier each day and I know that this is a long journey that I will be on, I have bought a memorial pendant which I wear on necklace and it is so that I can remember our baby in a very personal way, it brings me so much comfort.

We still hope to complete our family in the future, we hope that the happiness we had for such a brief time will be ours again xx

All your stories make me so sad. I feel your pain ladies and you have all been very brave reliving your stories.

I have told my story already. I am due to go home for the first time since it happened tomorrow. I want to get back to normality very soon but am dreading finding the baby magazines/books by my bed, things that I had put aside for LO's arrival and the beautiful most amazing scan picture when I saw my LO for the last time, alive. I miss you baby.

All I can say is that reading your stories is allowing my own grief to be pushed aside to think of someone else going through this ordeal.

One day we will all get our dream xx

Thank you all so much for being so brave and sharing. I havent done this before but im going to give it a go. sorry its long, its the first time ive let myself thing about it this much,.

Well. I was nearly 15. Id been kicked out of home by my abusive dad and was living in care. Me and OH had been together since we were 14 and kids being kids we experimented and i managed to get pregnant. When i found out i was terrified, actually frozen stiff with fear. I told my OH who for a 15 year old was amazing mature, actually excited and happy about it. He promised me he would get a job and we would move into a place of our own..ect. Im not an idiot, i know it would of been so hard, but he made me really think we could do it. I didnt tell anyone else at all as i was too scared. It never dawned on me that we wouldnt have the baby. From that initial burning fear, i got used to the idea. I was excited and i was madly in love with this little bump inside me.

My OH parents were going to Devon and invited me. We stayed in this little cottage by a river in the middle of bloody nowhere. Me and OH were excited and the first night we were there he gave me this little boys t-shirt he had brought. I was so happy, happier than i had ever been before. I had a little drop of blood but i had no idea that it was anything to worry about. I was getting period like pains to but again, i wasn't sure it was anything to be concerned about.

Me and OH were allowed to sleep in thew same room in separate beds with the door open (bit late for that, we thought) but we had a little row and had is back to me. the pains were getting worse and worse and i curled myself into a ball and cried. I think it begin to dawn on me that all my dreams were over, this little ray of sunshine in what was essentially a dark miserable place that was my life had gone. In that moment, with my baby dying, i have never felt so alone, so broken. I got myself downstairs to the bathroom and laid on the floor and cried. There was loads of blood. I really thought i was dying. part of me hoped i was dying.

sorry if this is tmi, but i saw what i thought my baby might be. wrapped it in tissue and flushed the rest away. Just something else i cant forgive myself for. im not sure how long i was down there. I got myself into some state of normal and got back into bed. I just curled up and sobbed. My OH woke up early and came over to give me a cuddle, lifted back the sheets and saw all the blood and said 'what happened to my baby?' (he has since apologised for that several hundred times) and hugged me. Everything was pretty much over by then. I somehow got myself together for the day went downstairs and OH's mum, as matter of fact as anything, say 'I think i had a miscarriage last night'. I dont know if by some fluke she did, or if she was trying to hurt me. She never went to the hospital or anything, and she just looked me square in the face. Later, i went to the little river and let my baby float down the river. God. it breaks my heart just thinking about it.

I never told anyone else. Still all this time later noone other than my OH knows. She has still never said a word to me about it all these years later. Maybe i should be over it by now, but i just cant move on. They guilt, the hurt, the fear that i might never have a baby of my own.

I got a little tattoo of a butterfly on my tummy for Drazic. (we always though of him as a he. i dont know why)


Though this journeys over, id go back if you asked me too. Im not dead, just floating. underneath the ink of my tattoo, ive tried to hide my scars from you. Im not scared, just changing...your my crack of sunlight.

what a good post well here goes

I went for my 10 week dating scan and they could not find a heart beat and the baby only measured 61/2 weeks so they arranged for me to come back for another scan 9 days later as there was no sign of bleeding and they said it was not unusual not to find a heartbeat at 6 weeks , so i then had the most awful 9 days ever and i think i new then that my lo was gone. on the night before the 2nd scan i started to spot red blood but only very light,as you can imagine when i went for my scan there as still no heartbeat and baby had not grown they told me baby had died at 6 weeks and as i was already bleeding to go home and wait for it to happen.well 3 days later i was still only bleeding lightly and having very mild cramps but felt really groggy and ill that night i had some more pain and passed a large clot, which i think was my baby, since then i have carried on with light bleeding and very few cramps i am still bleeding now 15 days later although it is like black blood now, just want it to end so i can move on.


I feel kinda empty i have not cried and dont think i will although i do feel very sensitive to anything pregnancy or baby related.i also feel like one of my worst fears has come true and am even more protective and cuddly with my boys if thats possible.

thats my story nothing to bad very heartbreaking for me anyway.

xx

Here's my story.

My first mc happened in may 2008. On Wednesday i had brown discharge which i thought nothing of, i also had very sharp cramps which i ignorned. On the friday i had a busy day, im the room leader of the baby room of a private day-care nursery, we took the baby's to the park for a picnic. When i got back i had tiny bit of blood in my underwear when i went to the toliet. I didnt say anything as my manager didnt know that i was pregnant even though i was 11+6. There was only four or five people who knew at work. I waited till i got home and called my gp for an appointment, they didnt have any available. The bleeding got worse so on sunday i called the emergency doctor who i explained my situation to. The doctor said i'd have to wait till monday to call my local EPAU. Monday i didnt know what to do and was panicky so i went to work and told a very close friend that i was bleeding. She tried to reassure me and told me to go to the doctors, i already had an appointment booked for my 12 week scan the following monday so i told her that i'd wait till then. She told me off, so i booked an appointment for after work. The doctor examined my pelvis, she listened to me and checked down below. She then signed me off work for the next day and said that she'd call the EPAU for me to get an emergency scan ready. I called my friend who was still at work and told her to tell my manager that i needed to talk to her and not let her go home. Got to my workplace. Told her i was pregnat, she started to congratulate me when i broke down and cried. She was so sweet. CPuldnt beleive i kept it from her for so long. She told me off for not telling her that i was bleeding earlier as she would have sent me home. Her and her husband took me home. Thats when i told my husband and mum. I told them a lie, said doctor said it'll be nothing probably and they were sending me for a scan for precautions. Next day doctor called and i went for a scan. I got my dad to drop me off and told my husband to go to work. (BIG MISTAKE) They did an internal scan, sonographer showed me that there was no heartbeat that the baby hadnt developed from my last scan when i was 8+5. Will never forget that scan, my head and eyes made me see a limp body just floating in me. They took me to another room where i texted my hubby saying 'No baby for us' and an consultant spoke to me about what to do next. I was given a choice between an ERPC or to get rid of the baby naturallly. They told me if i chose naturally then i'd be in alot of pain and see alot of blood. They Said that i would end up in A&E anyway. After sobs of tears and an hour later i opted for ERPC which they booked for next day. After that it was all over, went back to work the following monday.

Second mc happened in july 2008, my friend told me that she was pregnant on the monday, on the monday my AF was late. Tuesday i tested BFP but faint. Wednesday told a couple of friends and word got around so everyone knew, my manager was on holiday and was coming back to work on Friday. We had sports day on Friday where i told my manager on the field. She told me that i wasn't allowed to do any lifting or anything, she said that she had to protect me. I felt wet and sticky down below so went back to the nursery to find i was bleeding. Told my manager and she got her husband to take me home. Went to the doctors, the doctor was very insentitive said that there was nothing he could do. He then asked if this was a unplanned pregnany. Then was lost for word when i said no, he just shrugged and told me just to get on with it. Had four days off which i had booked off earlier on as i was going away.

Third mc happened in Sept 2008. Got my BFP on the monday which was very faint, then the next day i tested it got fainter. Saw the doctor friday morning and showed her the test she gave me a week to miscarry and told me to carry on as normal as it would apparently be easier for me. She was alot nicer then the last. Said that its obvisous that i needed hospital help to maintain a pregnancy. Went back to work, i had informed my manager earlier on in the week that i had very faint line. She wasnt there but her husband tried to send me home but i refused. I booked off tues and wed (not sure why) Told my manger on monday what the doctor said. I miscarried on the tues and texted a work colleague to let her know. She told my manager for me that the bleeding had started and went back to work on the thursday.

Sorry this is so long but its helping writing it all down. Thank you.xx

I'll add mine then , Ive been meaning to post it , but never really been ready to write in here !


It all started happening sunday 13th of July, when i was 21 weeks, me and OH where walking down to get a Chinese when i started to get quite bad pains in my tummy , but i just assumed baby was in an awkward spot. it carried on all night so i put myself to bed , all through the night i was in total agony ! i remember being hunched over in the bed like what i can only describe as a sort of gollum like position. i didnt want to say anything because i thought i just needed a No.2 and was exaggerating.
Hoping they where just going pass i was going to wait till morning before doing anything. i got up monday morning after having no sleep through the night , and found that my plug was coming out .
Went straight to the hospital , and they took me straight to the labour ward and after and examination found my cervix had opended and there where bulging membranes coming out . The first consultant that came to see me was such actually vile, and i hope she never has to go through this. came in and basically dismissed my little boy as nothing , she just said "where not going to do anything because your only 21 weeks so it can just be classed as a miscarriage instead of a delivery ok" , and left .
After that they just took me to the bereavement suit , after a couple of hours another consultant came in and told me he wasn't going to just leave me without trying . They Put me on medication to reduce the water in his bag , and another to stop my body going into labor , and tilted my bed head down hoping gravity would help too. after 48 hours they where hoping to stitch my cervix together and that id be ok . by Monday night i had the urge to push and was in so much pain , But i told them it was just trapped wind and got by on paracetamol and back rubs . Tuesday i was feeling alot better in my self after my examination when they found the bag had shrunk and all was looking hopeful , all i had to do was get through till morning when they where going to put the stitch in . Then i started bleeding , it gradually increasing . But the midwifes and doctors said it might be nothing . still in denial i persuaded everyone it was just wind and survived on just back rubs . although The pains where getting so strong . By about half 10 i couldnt handle it no more . and the consultant came to examine me. he had a feel and could feel his feet in the bag hanging out my cervix. labor was inevitable and the told me there was nothing they could do . although i refused to push and pretended to be asleep so they would leave me alone i knew i could do it , at half 10 i started on the gas and air and began to push . at 11.05 My lil boy was born , in his placenta. Although they said he would be still born he came out alive and held on for 35 minutes. I didnt understand why nobody would help him . after he had gone they took us to the bereavement room , and took him for some pictures and hand prints , they brought him back and measured & weighed him at 14 ounces he was a ft long he was so perfect i never knew it was possible to love someone that much.

I basicly just coppied that from when i had rit it previous , But have just cried myself reading through ! ,

Thanks for starting this thread x