Hi,
Just need somewhere to speak. I had a private scan today on my first pregnancy as I wasn't sure how far I was (nearly 10 weeks or 13 weeks) and didn't want to miss out on the nhs nuchal test as I am 37 years old.

I could see the sac but there was only a very small bit of grey in there. After what seemed like ages of moving the probe around and trying to hear a heartbeat (including the head guy coming in to help) we got the news that something was wrong and that it was not the size of a 10 week baby (I am definite it is not earlier than that). They would not say anything else as they are not a diagnostic centre. I am now waiting to ring the EPU on monday for a scan to confirm. I was doubting my dates thinking I was later as my pregnancy symptoms had reduced considerably over the last 10 day, my breasts have not been as sore etc, but thought it might be the placenta taking over as I have read about.

I cannot stop crying and although I know everyone will say it is not my fault I can't help thinking that going on holiday from 6-8 weeks (it was booked and paid for and our only holiday) has contributed. Maybe I was too hot - I don't know. I think I did everything else right, vitamin tabs, no coffee, good diet. Sorry for the rambling post I feel so lost

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how painful it is and all I can say it take care of yourself. Don't look for logical explanations, because you won't find it. Be gentle and patient with yourself because it will take a while to recover. What won't help is blaming yourself. You love your baby and acted as a loving mother. You could not have changed this. You are and will be a great mommy.

We are all here for you on this forum. Please talk, ask questions, vent, whatever you need to do. We will accept and love you in a nonjudgmental environment. Huge hugs

Thanks bernhardbutt, my head is all over the place. I can't sleep (it is after 3am here). I just want Monday to be here just to confirm as although I am 99% sure this is a MMC, that 1% is still there hoping.

My husband is helping, although fast asleep ATM but he admits he was waiting for the scan so things would seem more real to him as this pregnancy was slightly unexpected. Not sure how I am going to tell my step mum who was beside herself with joy when we told her 2 weeks ago.

It was not your fault in any way. I am so deeply sorry you are going through this, it breaks my heart. It has been 7 months since I lost Ava and I still am a mess over it, it takes some time. There was nothing you could have done just like for me also. If you ever need to talk I am here.
XOXOOXOOX Things will get better , I promise

Its so easy to balme yourself but the truth is you did nothing wrong. I had a heavy bleed last sunday and had an agonising wait til 11am on monday only to find my baby had died. The emotions I have now the miscarriage is complete are feeling so empty, numb, wondering if I could of done something wrong. Don't beat yourself up over it, allow yourself time. Big hugs to you hun, I totally understand your feelings xxx

Its so easy to blame yourself but the truth is you did nothing wrong. I had a heavy bleed last sunday and had an agonising wait til 11am on monday only to find my baby had died. The emotions I have now the miscarriage is complete are feeling so empty, numb, wondering if I could of done something wrong. Don't beat yourself up over it, allow yourself time. Big hugs to you hun, I totally understand your feelings xxx

Don't blame yourself hun, it was nothing that you did, just nature's awful way of saying this wasn't meant to be xxx

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am sending out my hugs to you all too. Today has been very up and down. I know deep down that is not my fault but random, stupid things keep popping into my head. I was very hot the week I got got my +test. 38.1 oC (I am a nurse so was able to check my temp -usually I am cold all the time). Maybe knowing when things stopped growing when I am at the EPU tomorrow might help, maybe not.

My husband is doing his best but I just want to be alone (my usual coping mechanism). This may sound wrong but it is affecting me more than I thought it would.

I am glad I can come here as I don't have anyone else to talk to, I haven't told mum/family yet until it is 100% confirmed tomorrow. I have had to not answer the phone all day.

Again, huge hugs to you all

I'm so sorry for your loss pinksmarties. It definitely won't have been your holiday that caused the mmc. Lots of women do really stressful work travelling until 30+ weeks pregnant and their babies are fine; others of us stay sitting on the sofa with our legs crossed and still miscarry (I've lost four). In fact, having a relaxing holiday could be a really good thing to do for your baby.

It's totally natural to try to find something to pin the blame on. After my most recent loss, I went through a list of about 20 "mistakes" I made that could have caused my miscarriage to the nurse at the recurrent miscarriage clinic (including feeding a deer at a farm park and going on a tractor ride) and she said no to all of them. She's a very experienced lady and she says that apart from not drinking alcohol etc, there's very little you can do to influence the outcome of a pregnancy. She told me the story of a patient who had had lots of miscarriages; this lady was on the way to her 12 week scan when she was knocked off her bike, suffered a collapsed lung, broken bones and was in a coma for six weeks. Her baby was absolutely fine, when all the previous ones hadn't been.

As an old hand at mcs, I'd say please take the insomnia seriously. Go to the doctor and get some sleeping pills if that's something that you don't object to. Insomnia and mc misery is a really really horrible combination. I've found this time round much easier than the other 3 mcs because I got sleeping pills on day 2. Previous times I've struggled with insomnia for weeks and got depressed.

Very very best of luck with the recovery. People on here are really supportive - vent any time.

Becca X

Good luck