I am sooooooo angry! My closest friends and family act like nothing happened! I have 4 people that I've been close to for YEARS (S-37 years, K-25 years, S's parents-38 years and my sister, 38 years). I chose to tell these people that I was pregnant because they've always been close to me and have shared so much of my life already. They've been kind and supportive when I lost my Mom (2004) and Dad (2010) and were all in my wedding last year. I *assumed* that they would be there to support me if I DID have a miscarriage, because they'd always been there before and I THOUGHT they loved me.
BUT, it seems like they don't even CARE that I lost a baby. K called me twice BRIEFLY (i.e. 9 minutes) three days after the procedure and asked how I was, but it was such a short call (she was in a hurry to get somewhere) that it wasn't really like I could truly open up and I haven't heard from her since. I got one phone call from S's parents the day I found out my baby died and two brief emails since, but that's it, even though I've sent them *several* emails telling them about first about the ordeal (to which they sent a very brief response, the first of their two emails). Meanwhile, my sister...I went down to visit with her for 12 days and the entire time I was there, she couldn't bring herself to slow down for 5 minutes and ASK me how I was doing. I cried alone at her house so many times.
I feel like I'm am having to go through this all alone. I am so angry that they don't seem to care that I've decided if they didn't care about the baby we lost, they certainly won't care about any future babies we might have, so I'm not telling them if/when we DO get pregnant!!! But they've been a part of my life for so long that I don't feel like I can cut them off completely. I just don't know how to deal with the feeling of betrayal that I have...
Maybe there just not sure what to say?
I found people said the wrong thing... 'at least you know you can fall pregnant'!
And when my friend went through a miscarriage I didn't know what to say to her even though id suffered myself.
Sorry your having to go through a miscarriage. Xxx
so sorry that you are in this situation.
It's very hard to know what is the right response and when you love someone, you don't want to upset them. If you read through the miscarriage section you'll see that some women want to avoid all things baby, want to not talk about it whilst others want to move on.
I know that my sister had several miscarriages in the last year and yet when I miscarried last week, she didn't know what to say to me. i don't think there are any rights and wrongs.
If you want to try to talk to someone then I think you need to take the initiative. I know that is not ideal, but only you know your comfort zone.
I've found more understanding and support on here than in "real life"
I'm sorry you are going through this. The only thing I can think of is they are not sure of what to say. BUT you have known these people long enough that I would assume they know you very well so I can understand your anger. I am sorry you feel betrayed.
I know personally before I miscarried I thought that it would be a very sad thing to go through, and now that I have actually experienced it, I am only just beginning to realize how absolutely devestating it is. Just want to send you lots of .
I think people just don't get it. My miscarriages were before 12 weeks so I think friends think I should have been prepared - or something. but of course it is a shock and devastating whenever it happens. when friends did ask they just asked about the physical side and didn't get that I was very upset and grieving . Now months on, nobody asks about it at all. Even straight after the mc i was shocked that friends thought it was okay to go on about babies/pregnancy of others and didn't occur to them that it would be difficult for me to hear about! But i guess maybe i would be the same if i hadn't had the experience myself
I also think people just don't know what to say. As tough as it is, state what you need in terms of support. Calmly. Clearly. Even if it's just, "I just want you to listen."
Loss and grief can be an absolute minefield to a friend or family member standing by...and even the best intentioned people get it wrong. Not because they set out to get it wrong but because they just don't know how to get it right. As strange as it may sound, do what you can (and I recognise this sounds completely counter-intuitive and shouldn't be how it has to happen, especially with such long standing relationships as yours but...) to help them help you. Use 'I' statements. I need someone to listen. I need someone who I can tell the story to. I need to be able to talk about my emotions and know I'm not going to be judged. This sort of thing...
And rather than focus on what they're doing or not doing right, identify what you need, state it clearly to them, and give them a chance. I think one-on-one is best. Just you and another person.
It's far too easy...sadly, mistakenly...to turn away from someone whose needs are simply not known to us but it is very, very tough to turn away from a person we care about who is obviously hurting and has asked us directly for our support. Give them the best chance to lend it. So much of this topic is taboo and simply misunderstood and scary and unpleasant and too direct and too raw and on and on and on. Maybe even start with a comment like that? Acknowledge that it's difficult to hear and uncomfortable but you really need their support right now.
Hope you find support soon. Be gentle with yourself and with your emotions. They are real and deserve full attention. Good luck. Thinking of you...
How did you manage? How did you cope? Were some of your friendships ultimately changed? I just can't seem to grasp that my closest and dearest and most long-lasting friends are not there for me. How can we continue our friendship the way it used to be? I used to ALWAYS KNOW they would be there for me in times of crisis...and now they've proved they WON'T ALWAYS be there...but they are dear to me, and I don't want to lose their friendship. It hurts that our friendship now somehow has changed, and I don't know what to do.
i suppose i feel that the relationships have changed as I hide how i feel about my situation - it does make me feel sad that i can't talk to those closest to me about how i feel about the mc and ttc after a loss. But i think basically they just don't get that they are being insensitive. I guess i hope that i will have a baby in the future and then things will go back to 'normal' between us all. It sounds like your friends have been good to you so i reckon given them the benefit of the doubt.
Like Sowanted said, maybe it is worth bringing the subject up with maybe one friend and opening up a bit and hopefully they will be able to talk to you about it. I think it is worth a try. I've tried that a bit but it didn't really work for me as it was obviously still hard for my friend to comprehend the impact the miscarriages are having on my life - so I'm here on B and B instead! you can always come here for a rant!
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