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Old Feb 9th, 2009, 04:45 AM   1
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Feel like I'll never get over this

Hi, I'm Lisa, just found this site after trawling through pages and pages of miscarriage information trying to come to terms with it all, it helps knowing there is so much support here.

I miscarried on Friday, my first miscarriage, I was 17 weeks and 5 days and gave birth at home to a perfect little boy. This weekend I have been through every emotion imaginable and I'm still crying while I type this. I feel so cheated, so angry that my body let us down, so sad that I'll never see my longed for son grow up, never hold him, cuddle him. I should have been protecting him and I couldn't. I can't bear to go into the downstairs bathroom where it all happened, I can't even look in there.
I walked out of hospital on friday night and it felt so unfair that I was leaving my baby behind when he should have been coming home with us. I walked passed a woman in labour thinking that should be me, longing for those pains but at the right time.
I thought I had cried all there was to cry on friday and that I would get up saturday and all would be back to normal, how very wrong I was, I now wonder if it will ever be normal again. All I can think about is my baby.
All I want to do is turn off the lights, sit in front of meaningless tv trying to forget the pain and for my OH to hold me.
Today is my first day on my own, I'm glad for the space to just let it all out and cry and cry but at the same time I don't want to be on my own.
I want to get on, be busy, keep my mind off it but I can't take that first step to doing anything right now.

Thanks for listening, I hope writting how I feel might just help in some little way.

I'm so so sorry for all of you that have had to experience this.


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Old Feb 9th, 2009, 04:50 AM   2
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So, so sorry to hear what you've been through.

If it helps in any way, I understand entirely your thought about not being able to go into the room where it all started. The same thing happened with me, after I m/c - there was a particular smell of newly laid vinyl flooring in there that just made me want to be sick whenever I got close.

Look after yourself and don't worry about crying too much, or just wanting to sit in the dark, or anything else that may sound silly. You've a right to take this time for you at the moment.

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Old Feb 9th, 2009, 04:52 AM   3
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I am so sorry for your loss Lisa.

I lost my little girl at 14 weeks, but I had a d&c as i did not want to pass her naturally, as I would of had to give birth.

A loss is not something you ever get over or forget, its just something that has to be accepted, well for me thats my case.

I cry randomly sometimes thinking i would have been 20 weeks now, and she should of been kicking in my belly

My OH is nowhere near to the fact of accepting it, he still crys near enough on a daily basis.
Shes never out of our minds.

I have this site for her:

It helped me knowing other people care about her too in the fact of them lighting candles daily for her.

I hope you find some comfort soon.
Your little boy will always be with you, and knows what a wonderful mummy & daddy you both were.
he was just too special


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Old Feb 9th, 2009, 04:56 AM   4
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Firstly LISA i am so sorry for your loss....
I am also glad you found BNB as a save place now to come and wright down how you feel... an believe me there are tons of ladies here going thru exactly the same as you.....

The feelings will never go away but the pain does become less....

May the Lord Bless you and keep you, May his Grace always Shine upon you and give you PEACE

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Old Feb 9th, 2009, 07:26 AM   5
Join Date: Jan 2009
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Lisa, yes the pain does ease in time...but right now you are experiencing a pain so intense words can not fully describe it. Women on this site have gone through it and while we do not pretend to know the answers to life's mysteries, we do care. We all deal with our loss in different ways but I believe we have a common bond. You have just loss the most precious thing in the world and as a woman we are not ever ready to deal with that. I am 49 and beyond my child bearing years...after 5 miscarriages i remain childless. I had no support and it was hard to even talk about my losses. My hope for you is not to become so overwhelmed Lisa that you sink into a deep depression as I did. It is so easy to withdrawal from the world. Please keep talking to us

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Old Feb 9th, 2009, 07:31 AM   6
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im so sry for ur loss hun i mmc last yr, i know, nothing compared to wot uv been thro and the other girls ,,,, ive not got any advice really just wana give u all so many

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Old Feb 9th, 2009, 07:34 AM   7
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Thank you all for your kind words and support, it means a lot to know I'm not alone and to have your support. Thank you for sharing your own stories with me, I'm sure it's no easier for you and I'm so sorry, life can be so very cruel sometimes. I hold on to the hope of happier times again when I can remember my son with love instead of love with the pain.

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Old Feb 9th, 2009, 07:42 AM   8
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Lisa, all I can say is stay strong, allow yourself to grieve but also allow yourself to smile. Give yourself time and listen to your heart and body about what it needs and wants.

Do whatever you have to do to get yourself through this awful tragedy but remind yourself you will get through it.

Keep in touch with all of us ladies on here, we'll support you as much as we can and keep talking, don't bottle anything up xxx

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Old Feb 9th, 2009, 13:16 PM   9
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you have to do what you feel is right and if thats crying is it! than do it! it does get easier with time but you need to spend time to do what you need to do to morn your little one! it is not something you get over a such its just something you learn to live with you will be happy again one day and you will be ok it just seems a bit far fetched right now! but it will happen for you!
love and hugs sorry for your loss xx

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Old Feb 9th, 2009, 14:01 PM   10
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i am so sorry for your loss
i found this site a huge help even many months after i had a m/c and you will find lots of support on here. in the meantime you will probably find that you feel very unlike yourself for some time but it will get easier over time... you will never forget your beautiful little angel boy
take the time to do whatever you need to do for you. take care

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feel , ill

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