thanks so much weezie
no time now,but i'll reply properly tomorrow
thanks again!

I'm sorry your OH isn't supporting your parenting.

Yet he is suggesting your reject your baby when he cries.

He might like to read Parenting For a Peaceful World by Robin Grille who is also a psychologist. It's a well written and well researched book.

That's just silly. All of my attached children fall to sleep without a hug eventually although my youngest still likes me to hop in bed with her and snuggle up for the few minutes it takes for her to fall to sleep. I like it, too.

Does he have a baby carrier? That might help him bond with bub but really, right now, it's more important for him to be supporting the mother baby dynamic and helping you to meet your baby's needs rather than being childish and making parenting his baby about him and meeting his own desires.

Which he didn't like but he wants you to reject your baby when it expresses a need to be held. Logic fail.

My OH was exactly the same, he thought that Catey wouldnt be able to settle on her own etc because i always picked her up and rocked her to sleep, 2 months down the line, and i havent had to rock her to sleep for 6 weeks, and she settles herself already and STTN at 3 months old!

My OH changed his opinion though, as soon as i showed him the continuum concept.
I did child care, learning and development whilst in college, and we were taught all the different theories, though they valued Pavlov, with his conditioning theory, and i completely disagreed with it and found it cruel.

In regards to your OH and bubs getting a better bond, he cannot breast feed (im hoping ) and LO didnt seem to enjoy skin to skin, so why not ask him to try baby massage? Its easy to do, and LO will be very relaxed with his daddy. This is what my OH has started to do when hes home, and Catey adores it so much that ive incorporated it into her bedtime routine.

exactly! i put my LO to nap today while still awake and he was absolutely fine and went to sleep on his own, so that proves him wrong!

many thanks for taking the time and all the great ideas weezie!
i'll suggest them to dh

anyway, as i thought...he came back from work yesterday saying what good mother i was and what a great job i was doing and then was really happy when he finally managed to settle and put LO to sleep after a crying fit

that's my dh for you, he really talks out of his a** when he's upset

Psychologists are the blummin worst!
They get their heads full of theories and then try to make the world fit them, and people are much too messy to fit into any of their neat theoretical boxes!

Yes, Pavlov made dogs salivate at the sound of a bell - but did Pavlov make happy, well adjusted dogs? Nope. Was he even aiming to make happy, well adjusted dogs? Nope again.... it won't have been on his agenda at all.

Could I make my dogs salivate at the sound of a bell? Yups. Would I keep them locked in cages to get that result and think I's achieved anything? Nope - I wouldn't see success, I would just see that I had failed miserably at dog rearing.

So yes, I'm sure you can teach children not to cry by ignoring them when they do - but a child that cries is communicating a need to you. Ignoring that communication does not make the need go away, and all the child has learned is that there is no point communicating your needs because it doesn't help to get them met... that's not a lesson I want my child to learn.

As he/she grows up, in a world of danger and difficult situations - I want them to believe that communicating with me will change bad things for them. I absolutely do not want them to passively accept that they cannot change things which cause them distress.

So no, stick to your guns - he is most definitely talking out his psychologist's bottom. He may be a psychologist, but you're a mother - and in child rearing Top Trumps, you win hands down

thanks urchin, totally agree with you.
you'll all think my DH is nuts - after that argument, every time LO cries he's there comforting him even sooner than me! the last couple of nights LO could not sleep at night so DH suggested to have him in our bed between us 'because he needs closeness'....

Hi again Kosh, Im not stalking you I promise ha ha.

Your DH sounds like me. I am an academic researcher, and for the first few months of JJ's life I was always referring to theories and books to 'help' me face this new and somewhat frightening role I suddenly found myself in.

When I stopped doing this and started to respond to my baby from my heart and intuition, and started treating him as an individual; things started to work out a lot better.

Looking back, applying theories and the things I thought I 'knew' was an understandable reaction to a hugely life changing situation, so dont think too badly of your DH for doing the same Sounds like he's starting to go a bit more with his intuition now anyway xx

My dd would not let me put her down for weeks. She would not sleep unless she was in bed with me. She was not happy for very long in a swing/playpen/blanket on the floor. I carried her around with me in a sling then backpack for months....

My dd is now 13 yrs old. She is the only child of ours who is very happy and comfortable sleeping outside in her tree fort, by herself, rain or shine. She is not scared to be alone, she loves to be with me doing things. She's very independant, yet loves to play with her brothers. She's caring and sensative to others needs, and not just her own.

YOU CAN NOT SPOIL A BABY!