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Old Oct 29th, 2017, 16:42 PM   1
itsnowmyturn
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I can't remember the last time I laughed or enjoyed myself


So my little boy is now 17 days old, he was 9 days late and I hated every minute of my pregnancy. I didn't particularly enjoy my first pregnancy but everything felt worse this time.
I had to switch from my usual night shifts onto day shifts because my boss wouldn't let me do nights, I was isolated at work because I had to be moved from my usual post due to the unpredictability and potentially violent nature of my job and to avoid working somewhere with people I didn't no I took on admin work instead which meant sitting by myself in an office for the majority of the time so I was lone working from the time I told me boss to the time I went on mat leave.
I started with spd at 15 weeks and although it eased a bit once my boy moved up and out of my pelvis it got extremely bad towards the end of my pregnancy and the more simple of movements were very painful.
I had a lot of bump pain throughout my pregnancy and I suffered with a lot of the general pregnancy complaints but it all felt worse this time round.
My daughter is now 2 years and 10 months and she was going through a tough time with some changes such as needing to take the side off her cot due to her climbing out, nap times getting shorter and waking times getting earlier and various other things your typical 2 year old goes through but she struggled with some of them because her temper gets the better of her.

Anyway I'm rambling. Over the last few days I've realised that the way I have been feeling isn't necessarily normal.
I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything, I have no enjoyment in anything and I can't remember the last time I properly laughed and had a good time. I have little appetite and even when I feel hungry I have no desire to eat. I am easily agitated and irritated and find myself getting annoyed at my daughter and partner over such stupid things.
In hindsight I've been feeling like this since about half way through my pregnancy and the first time I thought something wasn't quite right was when I was aroubd 24 weeks and on holiday, I realised I had no interest in doing anything on holiday. However I sort of brushed it off and although it stayed in the back of my mind i guess i buried my head in the sand and put it down to me not enjoying the pregnancy and hoped it would go away after I had had my son.

Well as u can probably guess it hasn't! And here I am with the realisation that I may be suffering with postnatal depression, and that I was probably suffering during my pregnancy as well. I haven't spoken to anyone about it, I'm not very good at talking to people and I don't even no how to start the conversation. I am planning on speaking to the health visitor when she visits again in a week or so but I don't even no how to bring it up.

I'm at a complete loss, even working in mental health myself, I don't no what to do with this.

Anyone got any advice on some self help so I can see if I can improve things over the next week before my health visitor comes



 
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Old Oct 29th, 2017, 17:15 PM   2
red_head
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I didn’t want to read and not say anything - I don’t have children so can’t relate on that level, but I also work in mental health (so I expect like you - great at helping with other people’s peoblems but not so great with my own!) and I’ve also suffered from quite severe depression.
It’s a massive step that you’ve recognised what’s happening and have admitted it - that’s really the hardest part, as often it’s so all consuming, you’re drowning without realising. I would really recommend talking to your doctor about it, as they will be the best person to help you.
For me, I found that all the drugs and counselling wasn’t for me, I found walking/jogging a few miles a day in the woods was the only thing that broke the void for me. I know that’s easier said than done, especially with two children, but I’m sure that there is something you can find that will energise you - I think for me it was working towards a goal (I wanted to get a bit fitter) and having something that was just for me to aim for, helped. Don’t put any pressure on yourself, take things one day at a time, and try and recognise that you’re doing so good, even if you aren’t feeling it.
I know all of this is easier said than done. I’m not good at talking about this stuff either - unless it’s work - I seem to have a ‘work head’ that I put on! If you don’t want to talk about it with your health visitor face to face, could you request her work email and explain it there? Sometimes it’s easier that way. But remember that this is something she will deal with all the time, so don’t be worried.
X



 
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Old Oct 29th, 2017, 17:29 PM   3
itsnowmyturn
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Thanks for your reply.
Your right I'm great at giving advice and helping others but terrible at helping myself.

Although I've recognised that things aren't quite right I still feel like if I speak to anyone about it that they will tell me it's just normal baby blues and I will feel ridiculous and feel like I've made a mountain out of a molehill. I also don't really want anything on my record with the Dr.

I haven't even told my partner the way I'm feeling. He goes back to work tomorrow and I sort of feel that once he does and I can start getting into a routine that things will get better but deep down I do believe I'm just kidding myself like i was during my pregnancy



 
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Old Oct 29th, 2017, 17:41 PM   4
red_head
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I don’t think there is such a thing as normal baby blues - I don’t mean that in a bad way, just in so much as it’s never something to be dismissed or belittled. And I would imagine if you did reach out and tell someone, they’d be more likely to offer support than try and brush it aside. Is there a friend or family member you could speak to about things? It might be helpful to try and think of how they could help you - whether that’s popping round a couple times a week to make you a cup of tea, or babysitting for an hour so you can have some time to yourself.
There are some really good charities around like MIND (I think) who can offer informal support without going through your GP.
You aren’t being ridiculous. You’ve been going through this on your own for a really long time, and even talking about it in here is a really big, brave step. If it was a physical pain, that you’d been having for this long, imagine how your response may differ. Your mental health is just as important.
My sister in law suffered with quite severe but high functioning post natal depression - she did a lot of mindfulness which really helped and you can do videos online from YouTube. She ended up going to a silent weekend retreat which really helped her, so maybe you could try some of that too?



 
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Old Oct 29th, 2017, 18:04 PM   5
itsnowmyturn
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Unfortunately no there's no-one, just me and my partner around here, we have people we know but no one we would consider friends as such and our families are all a 90 minutes drive away. Plus at the moment I much prefer my own company to that of anyone else and I don't have much interest in having general conversations with anyone. The problem is I no that no one will notice these things unless I speak up because I am very good at putting on a front and although I don't do it deliberately it automatically happens whenever I am around anyone and if anyone asks 'how are you the words 'yeah I'm fine thanks' automatically roll out of my mouth. The midwife discharged us a little early because everything was ok with our baby and she said everything was perfect with me because I just get on with things.

I'm already looking forward to getting back to work, not because I want to be away from my boy, but because I want life to feel normal again.

Thankfully my body is starting to feel normal again and the spd is feeling much better and the uterus cramps have stopped.

I think part of the problem as well is that before k got pregnant I want on a diet and lost 32lb and was starting to feel a bit better about my body image but during this pregnancy I literally couldn't stop eating, whether k was hungry or not I just ate and ate. I gained 52lb!! I was heartbroken every time I stepped on the scales, with my daughter I only gained 27lb and all of that was gone within 3 weeks (but obviously I wasn't as toned as before etc). Although I have already lost 25lb and I no it will keep coming off for now and my tummy is looking sort of like it was pre pregnancy I feel like i worked so hard to get where I was before I was pregnant and now I have to do it again and deal with the extra stretch marks. I didn't get any until 32 weeks with the first but obviously these stretched much quicker because it was the old ones stretching out further. And although I get quite small bumps I found it much harder this time dealing with the changes in my body than before.

I feel like all of the stuff u read online is aimed at first time mum's and feel like it's not expected of second time mum's to feel like this because we should no what to expect.

I can't blame it on a bad birth, I had a 3 and half hour labour, I got to the hospital an hour before my baby was born and I was only pushing for 12 minutes, unfortunately my partner did miss it because we were waiting for my mum to get there to look after our daughter but in all honesty it was that quick that I didn't have time to miss him being there lol (plus I soiled myself in labour which i found humiliating and I wouldn't have wanted him to see that!!) The lovely midwife let him and my daughter in afterwards while we waited for my mum to get there so they were both the first to spend any time with our boy.

I feel like nothing justifies the way I feel



 
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Old Oct 29th, 2017, 19:15 PM   6
red_head
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You just made a human. That is honestly epic stuff, and justifies anything! The fact you have lost a ton on weight is a massive achievement - it’s so hard to recognise how well you’ve done when you’re really focused on where you want to get to, but you have already done amazing, and you put weight on because you were pregnant - that’s very allowed! I know it’s really hard, but try and look at all the stuff you have done, as it’s seriously impressive, and focus on that for a little bit, rather than where you want to go. You made a human, you have carried it around, gave birth on your own (which is warrior level stuff!), lost an insane amount of weight, kept a new born alive, continued being a parent to your two year old, that’s all pretty huge stuff, especially when you aren’t feeling 100%. And you don’t need justification for how you are feeling. You’ve been through one of the most hormonal, chemical balancey (!) things possible, and depression is literally that - you’ve got a bit out of balance and it will take time to right itself. But it will. You’ll be okay; you are okay - you’re doing great! X



 
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Old Oct 29th, 2017, 19:31 PM   7
itsnowmyturn
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Thanks.
U sound so much like me, that's all stuff I would be saying to someone if the shoe was on the other foot!! I do no deep down that simply surviving at the moment is ok, I mean I don't feel at all guilty that I have only left the house twice since he was born and he has only left the house once!! Trying to feed both children at different times and fit in a toddlers nap is hard enough without adding in a trip out!! The next 2 days will test us though, first days by ourselves and daughter has a 10am hospital appointment tomorrow and son has a 930am hospital appointment Tuesday, I sense chaos for those two mornings and tiredness and irritability for the rest of the day.



 
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Old Oct 29th, 2017, 19:37 PM   8
red_head
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It’s ridiculous isn’t it - if only we could take our own advice!!
Just take things an hour at a time, if your husband has to help out and be late for work, that’s not the end of the world. Honestly just getting changed out of pjs is a huge achievement after giving birth I hear! You really wil do fine, and make sure you look back on Wednesday and really congratulate yourself for getting there in one piece!



 
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Old Oct 30th, 2017, 08:44 AM   9
itsnowmyturn
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Most days I didn't get out of my pjs lol I get the kids dressed but usually not me.
Back home from my trip out today and going to change ds nappy and then get back into my pjs, it's so much easier to feed him in my pjs rather than messing around with my tops. Didn't have a great night with him so I'm quite tired today and it's the first day of just me him and dd so my patience isn't the best and I'm trying not to take it out on my daughter, I feel bad for her and wonder how much I'm messing her up with all of this



 
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Old Oct 30th, 2017, 11:24 AM   10
red_head
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Well you’re over halfway through your first day - and have smashed it so far! Made it to the appointment, baby is fed and changed, everyone is in one piece! Your daughter will be fine - I was a little older when my sister came along, and the only stuff I can remember is meeting her at the hospital, and being jealous of the wallpaper in her room. Having a short temper for a little while isn’t going to do any harm, and I have a feeling you’ll probably compensate for it anyway! Put some Disney on the tv and relax until your other half gets home!



 
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