Me too, i want to do it again as i feel like i want to do it properly too- whatever 'properly' is! My sil asked if i watched obem the other day and i burst into tears. Our lo was taken straight to nicu too, noone knew what was wrong but she was seriously ill, she deteriorated massively and was transferred to another hospital 2 days later where she had surgery as soon as she arrived, where it was discovered her she had a bowel malrotation with volvulus (intestines arranged incorrectly, caused a twist in intestine which caused a total blockage) which had caused a life threatening infection. She was in hospital for 3 weeks, had another operation plus a pic line installed under a 3rd general anaesthetic as she couldnt feed till about 2 and a half weeks, and went from 7lbs 13 to 5lbs 6oz. I still cant believe it happened, and i feel so proud of her for fighting like she did and proud of me and my partner for how we dealt with it. But it was just awful, i feel so grateful to have come home with a healthy baby as we met parents who werent so lucky, but i am struggling massively with the memories of it all .

oh hun that sounds so stressful *massive hugs* and well done for getting through it......i wish i had some advice about the awful feelings associated with the labour and birth but...i dunno, im in the process of trying to get my hands on my notes to get some sort of closure somehow x

Thanks hun, it was beyond awful. We found a video on the laptop that we toook of her in hospital yesterday and we were both bawling our eyes out within seconds- she looked so ill and she was clearly in agony. I cant imagine how completely terrifying it must have been for ur LO to be born not breathing. I was left naked and covered in blood while Amy was rushed up, and like u i thought i was alone for at least 90 mins, whereas in reality it was about 45. But to not know if ur lo was even breathing- that must have been so traumatising. I dont know how it works in scotland but in england they do something called something like 'after birth thoughts counselling' where u can go through all ur notes with an outside person from the hospital, but with the main midwife u had there. Do they do that there? I really hope u get ur notes at least and they help. Do u find it gets worse as time passes? Id have thought id be feeling better about it by now, instead i find myself remembering things, or looking at Amy and bursting into tears. So do u think ur notes will really help? Or is it more that u dont know what else to do?? xx

I've never heard of the counselling thing....I ended up with a bit of PND for a while and got some input from the perinatal psych team, went on meds etc - that helped to get me actually functioning again. Im definitely not "depressed" anymore but just have the same recurring thoughts and flashbacks, dreams about it etc. I think i annoy my OH by always aksing things like "so what happened after they started the syntocin drip? when did they give me the diamorphine? when did they ASK me if i WANTED the diamorph? Did i REALLY agree to it!?!? are you sure??????" and so on. It was also weird that he didn't cry AT ALL for 2 days after being born. Not once. I was convinced he was brain damaged (feel stupid admitting that) I don't think its got worse, i just wish i could have got out that bed and went through to that room where they done "stuff" to him (i want to know EXACTLY what they dont, what equipment was used, etc) - OH cant remember, we had both been up for 2 nights on the trot with no sleep so it's all very fuzzy.....and there was no way i could have got up out the bed, fanny was in bits lol and there was nobody who was trained to do the stitching, placenta had broken up and was being pulled out in chunks....legs up in stirrups lol,,,.
it was weird at frist whenever people asked "how did the labour go?" i smiled and said "oh, fine! no problem at all!" i even apparently updated my facebook status (no memory of this either) with "oh well, that wasn't too bad!" so feck knows where my brain was!!

As for getting better with time - i don't cry much now. That might be the meds. I feel more pissed off than upset now. Still have that feeling of something pulling my heart out of my chest when i see OBEM perfect births with smiles and baby popping out wriggling and screaming, not plopping out staring up at the ceiling. (thats not meant to sound dramatic, its the only way i can describe that pulling feeling)

I think i try and compensate now by trying to be what i consider to be "the perfect mother" and feel guilty for everything i do. fell guilty when he eats something that isn't "healthy", feel guilty for going back to work (long story there but no real choice in the matter) feel guilty because he was given formula hours after being born for potential hypoglycaemia which probably wouldn't have happened, feel guilty for not "doing my homework" regarding bfing etc, feel guilty because i must have done something to cause his CMPI, feel guilty for using a buggy. Realistically i know theres no such thing as a perfect mother, we all trundle through doing what we feel is best for out wee ones at the time.....most of the time they turn out alright in the end!

Im not sure if the notes will help. Maybe it'll stop my mind constantly replaying and trying to piece together the bits of information i feel like i've lost/are missing. Maybe i'll understand the reasons for the way things went, i dont know!

*massive hugs*

You are all such brave women. x x

Me! Sort of. I've been diagnosed with ppd by my obgyn.

I had to be induced, was due on 11-18-11, but went to the hospital on 11-20-11, started pitocin 11-21-11 and he was here by that night. Things were stressful as the contractions were hell...but everything was okay once I finally decided I couldn't take any more and got an epidural (that hurt too!! lol). Lucas ended up having a bowel movement while I was pushing, after an hour he had arrived, they flopped him on my chest just long enough to cut the cord, ran him over to the side to get weight, etc. He was having trouble breathing because he inhaled the poo... then they rushed him to the nursery and I didn't get him again until 3 or 4 hours later. Parents said they watched him in the nursery and they were doing xrays on him to make sure that stuff wasn't in his lungs, they were beating his back to get him to cough everything up...

Lucas didn't take too kind to breastfeeding...it was just very stressful with everything going on, feel like we didn't get the chance to bond. I went to bawling in the car yesterday because I was telling my husband that I can barely remember much about the birth...I can't even remember if Lucas cried or not. Made me feel like a horrible mother because I would think that is one thing a mother doesn't forget.

My labour was not as planned - I wanted drugs and I ended up just having gas and air which barely touched the pain. My back was also killing me the whole way through and that's most of what I can remember crying ebcause my back was killing me. I couldn;t push my baby out - I had to have forceps and I feel like a failure because I think if I'd have been fitter or stronger I'd have been able to push him out. However he arrived safely and that's really all I care about - the amount of people who tell me their birth horror stories - don;t think anybody has the perfect birth - just try and enjoy her now

After having 2 failed sweeps, I went in at 40+10 to be induced, i had a pessary...nothing, had two more pessaries....nothing...had my waters broke (very roughly and under gas and air because i was only a fingertip dilated)...nothing...they put me on the hormone drip for hours...nothing...not even 1 contraction, so after 5 days of been in hospital being induced, they finally decided i just wasnt going to dilate at all and they agreed to a c section....Jacob was born weighing in at 9.14. Gutted that i couldnt experience labour, and i want to do it all over just to experience labour. OBEM does my head in and at first i couldnt watch it as i felt robbed, but i can now, and it still makes me want to experience proper labour.

Look below - accidentally clicked on post before I had written anything

Very much so. The whole thing was an absolute nightmare, and thinking about it makes me want to cry. This is actually the first time I have managed to tell anyone on here about what happened in detail, so sorry if this gets long

Basically I went into the hospital because I was having obvious contractions after days of being in agony and being told I wasn't in labour. I got into the hospital and was put in the side room to me monitored. Was told I was 3cm, and was moved into the birthing room. As soon as I walked in, my waters broke and someone came into clean the bed and floor. Then it all went downhill My sons heartrate started to drop dramatically after my waters broke, and someone pressed the alarm. Loads of people ran in, and I was literally stripped down there and then and my other half was whisked away to get in a theatre gown. All of this was done without anyone telling me what the hell was going on, even though I was proper shouting at them to tell me and I had a full blown panic attack. I remember feeling like a carcess being attacked by animals

Then I heard one of the people in the room talking (there was about 10 people in there by this point), saying "Well her waters haven't broken, let's break them and see what happens". I shouted that they had broken and they told me that they hadn't, without checking, and that I was being SILLY!!!!! I was struggling to talk by this time as that's the effect the gas and air had on me.

Completely ignored me. Then I felt the urge to push, which obviously I couldn't stop. They told me to stop and that I was putting my baby at more danger forcing it!! I was on my side to help my son, and they wouldn't let me move tp push. Another doctor then walked it, told me he was going to break my waters, shouted "Her waters have broken and she is 10cm". The rest of the people in the room looked stunned. Ieuan was born after 15 minutes more pushing, completely healthy and with a agpar score of 9 Basically, this health visitor told me told me afterwards that when my waters broke, Ieuan possibly dropped fast with his cord round his neck. Surely if they had listened to me and checked me earlier rather then decide for themselves what was happening, then he wouldn't have been in so much danger?


So basically, my labour was 2 hours and 15 minutes, and I had progressed to 10cm from 3 in less than an hour.

I'm sorry that this is so long, but needed to finally get it out.