OMG! I can't even imagine a greater tragedy! You are amazing to be so strong and thanks for putting my suffering in perspective!

First off, & I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what that must of been like. My best friends sister endured the same and she spoke of it much like you do, with it being peaceful.

I had 13 hours of labor, 3 long hours of pushing and a big tear. Still I feel my labor was awesome, I got my homebirth. I feel fortunate.

My heart goes out to all the mommies who had unexpected complications, major surgery, weren't able to see LO right away and feel traumatized. Birth is such a major event I can definitely see how that could be difficult emotionally.

I think you have to keep in mind that it's all subjective. What may be traumatic for one person may not be for the other and vice versa. I'm sorry you're having a hard time, that must be awful. I definitely consider myself lucky in that department. Is there somone like a counseler you could talk about? Seems like you should get someone those feelings out.

i wouldnt say birth was traumatic at all .. i'd say delivering the placenta was bad .

I know what u mean but i think its definitely subjective. I was induced at 42+1, immediately there were big issues with Los heartrate dipping to 80 bpm, then they couldnt find it at all for 20 minutes, was about to have a c section (had signed consent forms and was in gown) when they decided a c section wasnt necessary. I was in labour for 15 hours, the pushing was fine but i had to have an episiotomy. As soon as Amy was born it was clear something was seriously wrong and she was rushed to nicu. i was left naked, bleeding and alone for 45 minutes which at the time i didnt care about as i thought they were helping Amy, turns out theyd somehow forgotten i was there. I finally got upto see her and she was hooked upto so many machines and all she did was scream a horrible scream as if she was in agony. They didnt know what was wrong at this point , she was vomitting green bile, couldnt feed and had many other issues such as her breathing and rigidity to name a couple. She had so many needles put in her, xrays and 2 lumbar punctures. We were taken into the dreaded quiet room (or room of doom as we called it) more times than i can remember and given many different possibilities of what was wrong with her, but basically she was extremely ill but they didnt know what was wrong.

The second night there i was woken at one am and told that she was in an ambulance on her way to another hospital as she had massively deteriorated and there was something seriously wrong with her intestines. Calling my partner to tell him he had to come right now is something il never forget, or that drive to the new hospital, both of us fighting back tears. When we arrived she was on a ventilator, she was so tiny and iv never felt so helpless in my whole life. My partner went to the chapel there for the first time in many years, it really was horrific. Within an hour of being at the new hospital she was in surgery for 4 hours where they discovered she had a bowel malrotation with volvulus (intestines hadnt arranged properly, and had twisted causing a blockage which had caused a life threatening infection). She was very very ill, she didnt feed for the first 2 and a half weeks of her life. She had to have another operation at one week old, where we had to dress her in a tiny tiny surgical gown, wrap her in a blanket, then carry her down the longest corridoor in the world and leave her with the anaethatist. Then she took alot longer to recover than anticipated so she had to have even more scans and had a pic line fitted under another general anaesthetic so she could be fed TPN as she still couldnt feed and had gone from 7 lbs 13 at birth to 5 lbs 6 oz. We were in hospital for 3 weeks in total, the day we left i really felt like we were stealing a baby.

Anyhow im rambling, im sorry, im jusst trying to say that i know how u feel. While in the hospital id feel annoyed at the parents i saw crying in the corridoor that ud then find out thaat the baby 'just' had a bit of jaundice, but i realised that its horrible seeing ur baby suffer to any degree and to be in hospital when u thought ud be at home with ur healthy little newborn. While she was in hospital i really struggled with what was happening, i felt so robbed of everything id imagined her birth and first days would be like and i felt so terrified of what was happening to her, then one night at about 2 am i popped to the bathroom and suddenly an alarm started going off, people were running down the corridoor and i was sure i heard someone shout 'its amy'. I ran out and thankfully amy was fine, but another baby died. Later that day they closed the corridoor for 20 mins so the parents could walk out with their poor baby to the morgue, and il never forget seeing the way the mother was grasping hold of the tiny blanket whilst sobbing, and the father just looked so destroyed. After that, and reading stories like amjon's (i really am so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter) I iust felt so grateful that Amy was ok. Like you im really struggling with this more and more as time passes, and it drives me mad when people say 'oh but shes ok, thats all that matters' because yes of course thats all that matters, but it doesnt take away everything we went through and how much she suffered, so im not for one second saying that to you. But i think its very subjective, and of course when youve been through sonething like this other peoples experiences wont sound as bad, but for them it was awful.

Im so sorry for the essay, i guess i was just trying to say that i know how u feel- i read lots of traumatic birth stories on here that i think dont sound especially traumatic and i dont know why but it annoyed me at first, and im sure there are others who have been through lots worse than we did that dont think our story is too awful either (i read on here ab out parents who found out their baby had cancer) but just personally i think that whats traumatic about all these different experiences is the realisation that there are some things u cant protect ur baby from, and thats incredibly scary. Anyhow im hoping that these feelings will slowly start to fade, and i hope they do for everyone else whos had similar experiences, but in some ways it gets harder the more we get to know Amy and fall in love with her more and more, it all hurts a bit more if u know what i mean. Sorry to ramble, just can relate to this so much at the moment.

Pcake that is a horrific story I'm so so sorry to hear ur story, u sound such a strong person to come thro the other side after that. And yes she is ok BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT FINE !!! give urself time to accept, you went through a trauma and you need to be around people that understand, acknowledge and accept that - not brush it under the carpet !!!
I had what I consider to be a traumatic experience, and had a meeting with heads of two different hospitals for them to explain what they did to me and to apologise. They are making changes to the policy and are paying for my counselling, which is actually helping a lot. She is helping me accept my feelings, that they are normal and ok. I'm hoping with time I can put things behind me.
With me , I was scheduled a c section at 39 weeks. Basically I was repeatedly abused and raped as a child and have always been terrified of giving birth, to the point where I thought a normal relationship and children wasn't possible. But I married, and desperately wanted a child to love. So .. I was very honest with the medical profession and they reassured me they would take care of me, and I wouldn't go into labour. I believed them 100% . When my waters broke at 37 weeks, I was calm, happy even. Went to hospital, where a midwife examined me ( examinations are upsetting to me but I understood for my baby it had to be done )
This is where things fell apart. She sent Mr home, telling me it wasn't my waters, my cervix was closed I'm not in labour. That it was THRUSH. I stupidly believed her and humiliated I went home. 3 days later I got very sick. I developed chorioamnioitis. An infection of the waters and uterus from my waters going so long ago. I had vomiting and diarrhea and pain. I rung the hospital they told me I had a stomach bug and to stay home. I stupidly accepted this. I developed a fever , the fluid that had leaked every nite had started to smell bad I rung my husband crying. I went to hospital and nearly collapsed as I hadn't eaten or drunk since the previous day as nothing would stay down. they put me in a wheelchair and into a room and left me for an hour. When asked what was going on the response was 'oops forgot u were there ' by the time they strapped the heart monitor on my boys hr was over 180 and my temp was 38.9c. Another doctor examined me, and guess what - said my waters hadn't broke. She wanted to send me home !!!! I freaked out and finally a senior male doctor examined me ( I was traumatized by this time ) but he immediately recognised my waters had gone days ago and a scan showed very little fluid left around my boy. He said I needed to have my boy ASAP and get this - tried to start inducing me :'( I said please no, read my notes I'm having a c section he tried to force me I broke down and begged him to listen, ended up telling him my personal story. He then agreed to section but I ended up being transferred to another hospital for no scbu units were available. I ended to waiting another 8 hours in this other hospital in pain, weak tired and terrified. I was having contractions but because an emergency came in I had to wait . This I understand but I kept getting asked by different staff why was I having a c section, and when I said psychological issues u could see they didn't see it as a proper reason. I was terrified, and at one point my husband asked what happens if she goes into active labour - the midwife said 'well that's her choice' MY CHOICE??? I'm agreed a c section by my midwife, doctor, consultant and mental health nurse but its MY CHOICE ?? I got hysterical, I'd rather die than give birth through there, the source of all my trauma and pain. I had to tell her my past history, and only then did she take notice. I got taken in for my section, but by now I was so ill and weak, they prepped me , did the spinal and strapped on the monitors. Only then did they realise how ill we were - they couldn't find my babies hb. There was a lot of movement and shouting, they had to perform an emergencysection before getting my husband in . my son had heart failure, sepsis and hyperglaecaema was in special care a week.he wouldn't eat, had to have a lumbar puncture. we were both very ill and the surgeon told us he had to act quickly to save him. they admitted we wouldn't have survived natural labour yet they tried to leave me give birth. I'm traumatized, hurt, angry. I don't sleep, find it hard to bond with my precious son who still has chest problems.
but .... talking to the right people helps. I don't feel so alone, or guilty for my emotions. I'm going to get better for my son. but it takes time.
thank you to anyone who reads this, I feel a lot better putting this into words xx

To me, what I experienced with the birth of my 3rd child felt traumatic, though compared to a lot of these stories it probably feels like my birth was nothing to complain about. With my first and second births I had long slow labours, but always felt like things were in control. I had pain relief and when it came to the pushing all went smoothly (though I did have tears).

With my last I went into hospital for piles, ended up going into labour which progressed faster than expected. I had an epidural that didn't work and when it came to the pushing baby was head up instead of tucked and looking up instead of down. Dr was called in and episiotomy and kiwi vac called for. Even with this, baby wasn't coming down and then the dr said if baby didn't budge then it would be a c-section. Thankfully I pushed with all I had and he was born. I was tore up and needed stitches. I still have flashbacks to the dr trying to manoeuvre baby and I cannot even think about Dtd. I feel traumatised, not because it was an awful awful birth, but because everything happened so quickly and it all felt very out of control. We had wanted more children, but now I'm not so sure.

I try not to compare my experience with others as it IS so subjective. I know compared to others here my birth does not even come close, but I can only go by how it has made me feel. I cry some nights because of how it has left me feeling, especially not being able to be close to my DH. I wish I could get past it, but 10 weeks on and getting past it still seems a long way away.

Hopefully in time, I will get past this and be able to look at my 3rd birth in a more positive way.

Wow. You are a very strong woman.

I think it all comes down to how a situation leaves us feeling, if something is unexpected, out of our control, it can have a lasting impact .. we don't have to feel bad for these reactions, or that our stories aren't 'bad' enough.. each story is bad if it has deeply affected the people involved.
Willo, 10 weeks is a very short time after a traumatic event, give urself time it will get better I find it helps to talk about things, and on here no one knows me and can be shocked by my past or present issues ..
Anyway I think any woman bringing another life into the world is very courageous and wonderful x