|Jan 2nd, 2017, 16:50 PM||1|
On a break (TTC)
Chat Happy BnB Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
My Thoughts on Pregnancy After Loss
Hi All, I wrote this in my journal a few weeks back, but thought it would be good to share it here too. I know I can't be the only one who feels this way. Bit of a background, we started TTC in August 2015. Our first first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage at 8+1 in February 2016. After that, I found out I have low luteal progesterone and went on supplements. We conceived again in September, but a week later AF arrived and the test went negative. I just knew in my gut that something was wrong and the obgyn wasn't helping any, so I pushed for a referral to an RE. Within just a few days, the RE diagnosed me with sub-clinical hypothyroidism, put me on medication and added estrogen to my supplements after O. We conceived that first cycle with the RE, and I'm now entering second tri with my rainbow .
When I was pregnant with Gremlin, all was right in the world. DH and I were going to be parents, and we were absolutely thrilled. Life with Gremlin was good. DH doted on me, tried to touch bellies with me every time we hugged, and life was blissfully normal. As soon as we saw that little heartbeat at 8 weeks we were going to start telling our families.
This pregnancy with Munchie is, as expected, much different. Although we have moments of joy each time we get good news, the silence between those moments is deafening. I'm now about 9.5 weeks, farther along than I've ever been. I thought seeing a healthy baby at 8 weeks would help some of that apprehension melt away, and while it was one of the most joyful moments of my life yet, I'm still here holding my breath until we can see the baby ever so briefly again next week.
I'm feeling a rush of these emotions now as I purchase a reveal gift for my parents. I feel like it's too soon, like that beautiful little heart (my most favorite sound in the world) could stop at any moment, like my body could still fail me and my baby yet again...but if I want it to be here on time to reveal by xmas, I need to order it now. I was so excited to tell them about Gremlin, and now I'm so anxious to tell them about Munchie.
Pregnancy after loss is different in so many ways, and I don't know if I'll ever breathe easy again...but that's ok. This is my path and this is what I want. So much can go wrong along the way and I'm no longer naive enough to say, "not me," but I also know that so much can go right . I'm keeping a book for Munchie, documenting and celebrating each moment that brings me joy. Hopefully when we're holding our baby this summer we can look back and just remember the joy, but for now it's moment to moment, day by day.
Add on top of that the diagnosis. My hormones are off and I'm on what feels like a million pills just to keep this little life thriving. Pills that I sometimes gag on and throw up because my morning sickness is bad. It's hard to trust your body after a loss, and even harder to do so after finding out your body was probably the reason. I can't exercise bc of recommendations from the RE, and I can't eat well because of the MS. I don't feel like myself at all, and it's tough. I think some of this happens in pregnancy anyways, but the diagnosis just magnifies it all. Some days I just want to throw all the pills away, and go for a good run. I don't, and Munchie is the best reason ever to keep all this up...but it's hard when you still won't let yourself fall completely in love, when you still can't picture that moment when you finally get to hold your baby. I pictured it a million times with Gremlin, but as I said, with Munchie, it's just one day at a time. The days bridge into weeks and then months and they'll hopefully get me all the way to that beautiful moment. Until then, today is as good as it gets until tomorrow.
In spite of my crazy above and the tears I've shed today, please know that I am so very thankful to be in this happy position. I'm thankful I'm even in a place where I can feel these things and get so sick for such an amazing reason. I'm pregnant, and that's always something to celebrate.
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