Why did I think this pg was going to be different?
So this isn't my first time at this particular rodeo. When it comes to spotting and bleeding in the first tri, I've been there, done that too many times to not know what this could mean.
BUT that doesn't mean I'm not nervous and anxious and trying to convince myself of every possibility in the books that could explain this watery brown discharge I'm having at 5+2.
My history is such that bleeding in the first tri is pretty much a regular thing. I've bled with every pregnancy I've ever had except DSs but I'd hoped the year and a half break, the hormone cleanses, the special vitamins, the dr visits, the new meds, the everything would mean this pregnancy would be complication free. I knew better though.
So I guess I'm just venting more than anything. I don't need all the tried and true facts trotted out because goodness knows I've said them often enough to others as well as to myself (eg. 'it could be IB coming out' or 'it is normal to spot in early pg') so please don't say them to me. I already know them all and in this case, I'm hoping/praying/FXing that this really was just IB coming out. And I also had this exact same thing happen with LO's pg. Watery brown discharge at 5+2 and I bled daily after that for 6 weeks. So I know this literally could be nothing.
I also know it might not. Eleven other times, it wasn't and this might be twelve.
I'm just needing to get this off my chest in the one place I know women will understand my fears. I've told my sister and my sil that I'm spotting but they both don't 'get it' because they haven't had 11 miscarriages and bleeding in their successful pregnancies like I have. DH knows but he's clueless as to what I need from him aside from him telling me to take it easy.
What I need most is someone to tell me it's okay to be scared and nervous and fearful but also hopeful. What I need is someone to understand that I'm feeling a whole range of emotions right now that make it hard to make sense of any of this. What I need is someone to lend a listening ear and simply let me get this out. What I need is someone who can understand why I'm struggling to stay hopeful and excited even as I'm prepping myself for another loss. What I need is someone to know why this is such a hard place to be in-Limbo Land where I do not know if I should hope or not.
And I know I'll get that here. PARL is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and with my history, it's even more nervewracking because bleeding really doesn't mean the end. I guess I'm just wanting to get this out of my head and get it out there because I don't have anyone who truly understands what I'm feeling right now IRL. A vent in a place with women who know that all I want is some encouraging words and a few hugs.
I think everything you are feeling is normal and natural for someone who has experienced as much loss as you have. It's scary as f*#% to be PARL even when there is nothing scary happening. The fact that you are having spotting of some sort would cause anyone to freak out.
On another note I think hope is all that we have. It's what keeps us on this crazy ride because we know what could be at the end of this journey. I have felt pure devastation for the past 2 weeks and miss my son desperately but I can't help but think I will ttc again and believe I will have a happy ending.
I hope for you a happy ending because my goodness you have had a long road to get here...again. You are not alone and there is always a sympathetic ear to listen.
Oh goodness, Ready. I'm SO sorry about your son. MASSIVE
And thank you for your kind words. They mean so incredibly much to me, especially when you took the time to respond despite your own grief.
Mostly, I just needed to vent. DH wasn't supportive, my family doesn't understand, and all I ever get from those around me is 'since you can't know what's happening, why worry?' type suggestions. I am well aware that it will either happen or not but knowing that doesn't help me relax. And I just needed to get that out because there is literally NO ONE in my real life right now who truly understands the mental strain this means for me.
But thank you again. I know you haven't had it easy either and I'm hoping, wishing, praying we both have our dreams come true soon. again and I'm sending prayers to you and your family.
Hey hon I just want to give I know how you're feeling. I feel like there is no "safe point" in pregnancy for me anymore. But I decided I would take it one day at a time and I would enjoy it. For as long as I have this little bean I'll enjoy it. I'm sorry you are stressed and that you don't have people around who can understand the fear and the not knowing, it's such an awful Rollercoaster that no one wants to be on. I started a Fall rainbows thread if you'd like to join
Thanks. I did see your thread and I've started a 'Hi, I'm Dairymomma' post about eight times but I'm a bit gunshy about joining threads until I've had at least one ultrasound to confirm viability. I've had to un-join so many I'd rather just wait a bit longer til I feel more comfortable and then pop in. But FX I'll be there in a few weeks.
I've had more spotting and bleeding today and it's red and dark brown. Feeling uncomfortable and not sure what to make of it. It's very similar to what I had with LO's pg (so similar I'm starting to bleed the exact same way at the exact same gestation as I did with her. Weird...) so I know this doesn't necessarily mean the end but it's hard not to try preparing for it anyway.
I should get another set of betas and progesterone levels tomorrow morning and if they are high enough, I'm calling for an emergency scan. I need to know if there is a viable pg here or not.
My betas are more than perfect. With a 48 hour doubling time from my last beta, I should have had 3000. My beta was 6874!!! I've NEVER had my betas double every 48 hours beyond 5 weeks so to see it that high is incredible.
And so far, the bleeding has stopped. This is going very much like LO's pg where I had spotting/bleeding/cramping for a few hours nearly every day from 5+2 to 10+6 and if that's the case, I can deal with it. It's the not knowing that scares me but I see my naturopath in a few hours and will be calling for a scan right after that appt.
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